I guess I'm just looking around to see if there's enough interest to start an I Can Relate thread. I'd really like to get other peoples' responses on this, and a gut-check for my own responses to my father.
So far, I've cut him off. This is apparently abhorrent to my siblings (there are five of us) and I'm getting a lot of flack from them for being so black and white about this. Apparently, I'm supposed to be on to the forgiving and forgetting part, even though my father has shown no remorse, and not followed any of the requests I made of him (such as counseling and no more favoritism). I'm having a hard time separating my behavior with my husband with the behavior I expect from my father, and I'd love some BTDT input, or even some I feel ya moments.
I am still working on it many years later.
Some of it is still coming to light for me and as I process memories and thoughts about it, makes me feel differently about her. I do know that she is a narcissistic person and nothing my father could have done would have kept her there. She never talked to him about the problems, she just bailed, as my x did as well.
It's my gut reaction that you should be entitled to your own opinions and your own process of dealing with this information.
For us kids it was terrible and I never really talked it over with either of them, which may have helped.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I can't even stand to look at my cousin's less than remorseful WH...actually I don't, I turn give him the evil eye and turn away.
My heart goes out to your Mom...Hugs to her and to you.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I think the worst thing about an A is denying the BS the right to make a decision about the M, about their lives, based on the truth. The WS takes what they want of the M (steals it through deceit) and then blows everything up and walks away. I so feel for your mom! ((1Bite2Shy)) This would totally change the way I'd have viewed my Dad.
My mom cheated on my dad from when I was 11 until they divorced when I was 19. Her PA with MOM lasted over 30 years.
Like, for example, they got a divorce and my dad went and got himself a new family.
New wife. New daughter. New dogs.
Twenty years later, and he's grand-parented his new daughter's 2 kids, but hardly knows my 3 or my brother's 3.
We've been kicked to the curb.
I. CAN. RELATE!
My mother is not the greatest mother in the world (quite the opposite) and she always tried to drive a wedge between me and my dad. I have a lot of his personality traits so mom & I didn't get along much and I am far from her favourite child...sad but true. I am lucky that I still have a great relationship with my dad as well as my step-mother and 1/2 sister. I guess I didn't realize all those years ago that my dad cheated on my mom so it never affected things much. Later when I got older, I did the math and figured things out for myself.
Living with the type of mother that I did, with all the mental and physical abuse I endured, I am just glad that my dad found happiness and has now been married to my step-mother for close to 30 years. I'm glad he didn't have to go through the shit my brother and I did.
Anyway, I would be beyond devastated to learn one if my parents had cheated on the other. Probably more so than the infidelity in my own M. The thought of what my own children have had to deal with in their young lives makes me sick.
[This message edited by 3boys at 6:50 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
Purplejack - I looked in I can Relate, but didn't see anything. I'll try again. Thanks!
It's made more (or less depending on how you look at it...) difficult with the fact that my father has always blatantly showed favoritism toward my younger sister. I am the oldest and she was always the golden child, while I was always the scapegoat. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I've put up with it because my parents had what appeared to be an amazingly happy marriage (high school sweethearts who still cuddled and held hands and did all the cutesy stuff after 20+ years of marriage) and I thought my mother wasn't the instigator.
Turns out, my dad IS the jerk, but my mom is the ultimate rugsweeper.
h0peless - I think I'm beyond putting up with their antics. I've put up with my father-in-law's antics for far too long and finally got to the point of cutting him out. If I'm not going to take his bs, I'm certainly not going to take it from my own father. I can totally see why you would though. As it stands right now, my children will never have a relationship with either of their grandfathers and that breaks my heart.
childofcheater - Thank you. My father is currently living with the OW who moved here from some state in the midwest leaving her two children behind with a stepfather. I don't get either of them. They were both willing to give up their OWN CHILDREN for each other. Who does that?! What kind of mother walks away from her babies for a married man? And what kind of man expects a woman to do that? Ugh.
kickboxer - My sister's son, and my other sister's daughter have a relationship with my father. Right after my father moved out, my son had his first birthday. My father didn't even bother to send a "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook. But by darnit, he showed up to my nephew's second birthday party a month later with his arms full of gifts, OW in tow. Well, so I'm told. I left when I heard he was coming over. Children's birthday parties are not good places for fistfights.
TripleTrouble - I hope I can eventually let go. I know my father has no interest in me, as I'm the "difficult" child anyway. It still hurts.
deepbluesky - I have a hard time with your story. It sounds like you definitely got the short end of the stick on parental units. I'm sorry.
Holy cow Dreamland. I am so sorry. That had to be a huge revelation for you.
3boys - I am grateful that my boys are much too young to understand much of what is going on. They're too young to remember when my oldest used to follow "Ponpa" around the house and watch him so very closely. He hasn't mentioned him in at least 6 months, and it makes me so sad to know they'll never have an awesome grandfather when I was fortunate enough to have two, as did my husband.
I hate to say it but the impact of my father's A did not hit me until WW's A. Wish he was still alive so I could express my disappointment with him. We are trying to R so my mom does not know. But oh how I wish I could ask her how she managed to keep it together for my and her other 3 kids from another M.