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Successful R while WS works with AP?

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AML04 posted 11/4/2013 16:54 PM

I just saw a post asking about successful R that started as staying for the kids and thought of this. I'm having a really hard time letting go of my anger for OW because WH still works with her. I also see her on occasion when I visit him at lunch but he sees her every day. I would love for us to it some point be in different to her and be able to focus on our M but I don't see how that is possible with her still in our lives.

WH is looking for another job but there isn't a lot out there right now. Does anyone have a success story for reconciling I'm this situation? If so, do you have any advice for us?

mchercheur posted 11/4/2013 19:06 PM


My WH had an A with a coworker who he sat next to everyday. After Dday, altho WH could not leave his job ( long story), he got himself transferred to a different part of the building. At first, they continued contact ( texts, calls), OW visited him in his new location several times that I know of, stating "Aren't I going to get to work with you any more?".
I also did some spying & caught them having lunch together twice. For this reason, WH & I remained separated for 5 mos after Dday ( I asked him to leave on Dday & he moved in with a relative in our neighborhood.) It took my going to a lawyer & taking my wedding ring off & handing it to him, for him to stop contact with OW.

When I felt that contact had stopped, I let WH move back home, & we are trying to R.
It has been a rough road.

I have no idea if they see each other or not. WH is supposed to be telling me if he sees her. But cheaters are liers. I don't want to keep asking him every day if he saw her, because why keep her alive. It would be very easy for them to run into each other on the elevator or the lunchroom. I would give anything to have a spy inside that building.

I believe that our R would have gone much faster if OW was totally out of our lives. As it is now, every morning when WH leaves for work, I wonder if he will run into her today.

AML04 posted 11/4/2013 19:35 PM

Oh God that sounds awful!! But good for you for putting your bitchboots on. I'm glad he finally woke up as well. I hope for both of you that he really understands and keeps up NC.

My WH does tell me right away (now) if they have any contact. He almost never has to talk to her so that's good. For a long time though we were both so angry that she got off scott-free that we almost bonded over our hatred for her. We were obsessed with her performance at work, wishing she would f up enough to get fired. Other coworkers would talk to him about her (like they talk about everyone! It's a small company) and he would relay it to me. We finally decided this was not good for us and it's technically not NC. I hate to admit this but it took him doing something stupid just to annoy her, to wake us up. I was pissed and he immediately realized it was very wrong and why. As much as we would love her to have some consequences, that is not what R is. He is going to completely avoid her and if anyone brings her up, he's going to stop them.

I hope we can do it. Ugh.

mchercheur posted 11/4/2013 20:25 PM

You & your WH sound like you are a team. I am so happy for you. I wish I could feel that way with my WH. He lied to me so many times during the months after Dday. I would love to believe him. I wish I could be sure that he & I were a united team against the world again. I would give anything to have that back.

OldCow18 posted 11/4/2013 22:02 PM

WH also works with MOW. I'm 5 months out and believe more in my heart than ever that we are going to fail because of it. Every Monday morning I put the dark heavy coat on and send him off to be with her for 5 days. He swears they've ended it, but how can I possibly know the truth? Even if they have, how can I know a few "I miss yous" haven't been shared? How can I know 100 knowing glances across the conference room table haven't been exchanged? I simply cannot feel safe while she is in his life every day. I just cant'.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Scubachick posted 11/4/2013 23:24 PM

The OW still works for my husband. Because he owns the business I was able to step in the middle of it all. They have to communicate through me and they only see each other for 3 hours one day a week. I don't really worry that there is still something between them. What bothers me the most is that she knows that she was enough to get my husband to betray me. It bothers me that they had secrets. It would be so much easier if she would leave.

AML04 posted 11/5/2013 05:02 AM

mc-I do sometimes feel like we're a united front but it scares me to think he's not dealing with his own crap because he's hating her.

OC-that really sucks. WH's company is very small so he does see her a lot. I trust him now because he has so much anger but what about when that fades?

Scuba-I feel that way too. Every time I see her I feel like she's thinking he's only staying away from her because I made him :(

I think I can posted 11/5/2013 06:31 AM

It's possible---but it's pretty brutal. I don't recommend it; it takes that much longer.

In our case, it helps that EVERYONE at work knows about the affair, and I have a lot of "little birdies" who would tell me things.

authenticnow posted 11/5/2013 06:37 AM


Please read the forum description. There is no OW namecalling in the Reconciliation Forum.

Thank you.

AML04 posted 11/5/2013 06:43 AM

I think I can-I've thought about telling one of his coworkers. They all know something happened they just don't really know what. If I told a specific person I'm sure everyone would know by the end of the day. I guess the only thing holding me back is that I don't want people talking about us.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm still hopeful he'll find another job, I just don't think it will be soon.

heartbroken2012 posted 11/5/2013 08:42 AM


What bothers me the most is that she knows that she was enough to get my husband to betray me.

I can relate to this. This makes me mad as well.

MoreWould posted 11/5/2013 08:44 AM

My WW continued to work with AP for several years after DDay and continued to have sporadic contact with him for decades. (Non sexual, I believe, but you never know)

We R'd but I never really healed from the trauma, and couldn't figure out why until recently when I discovered Dr Glass and SI.

I can be done, we are happily married over 30 years later, but I paid a heavy price, now suffering from debilitating PTSD attacks from time to time.

OldCow18 posted 11/5/2013 08:46 AM

Authenticnow, ack! I'm sorry, I edited that out.

sri624 posted 11/5/2013 11:08 AM

my h cheated on me with one of the yoga instructors at the gym he was a member at for a long time. when the a was first i thought it would be okay that he continued to go to that gym. he would avoid her classes...try to not be there when she worked.

after a while i said no way. she was too much in our lives...a person that had to be thought about before he went to work out...even if it was to avoid her. yeah right.

no contact is no contact, and i believe that the wayward needs to do whatever it takes to make that happen. why should the BS have to suffer everyday he goes to work or the office worried that he will see his former ap. to me, that is a bunch of BS.

i think it is cruel. and i think my h was a jerk for putting me through that initially.
he is no longer a member of that gym, and he if thought about trying to argue with me about "how it was over", "how he doesnt even see her there", "how it was a long time ago", how "she has a new man now"....any of that crap...then he can go.

it makes things a lot easier when you find your strength and are no longer afraid to let him go. it is about protecting YOU, and you feeling safe.

[This message edited by sri624 at 7:10 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

wert posted 11/5/2013 11:21 AM

My W had an A with a co-worker. He moved to a different department but contact is still possible an has happened a few times which she has told me about. She tells me about close calls even.

I am about 2 years out from D-day. A few months ago I decided that I did not want to live like that anymore. When my W finishes school she will be leaving and seeking employment somewhere else. If she doesn't were done. It's not a threat, just a firm boundary for me now. She is on board I think. This move will cost her in career and most likely lots of income. She had never considered working somewhere else. Great institution and she has great contacts their.

I needed to explore was this revenge for me on her is some way. We talked about it and I really don't think it is. I just don't want to deal with, "hey I had to talk with OM today" for the next 30 years. I won't carry that weight. I will work with her to some degree but she needs to figure it out if she wants to stay M'd to me.

This has been a personal choice on my part. My boundary. I think everyone needs to dig deep and think about their own situation and what they are willing to tolerate or how they will deal with it.

It's greats your H is looking. And long term perhaps he will find something. There is a lot of in between time in R. My two cents is if your H is really doing a lot of things right, is reporting contact to you and is remorseful I would take a longer term view of the situation. That said, if I were you I would figure out your boundaries and explain what you want from him.

take care....

[This message edited by wert at 11:25 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 11/5/2013 11:31 AM

it makes things a lot easier when you find your strength and are no longer afraid to let him go. it is about protecting YOU, and you feeling safe.

sri - I remember when you first started posting here. You have grown into such a strong woman! Great advice...
and wert - always thoughtful, appreciated advice that help so many...

AML04 posted 11/5/2013 17:28 PM

Sri-I definitely want him out of there. Not even because I think he will do something. Like you said its that he has to see her everyday and I have to think of that. She's in our lives still and I want her gone!

Wert-it must've taken a lot of coverage to tell her that. I'm hoping he will find something sooner rather than later. As for all the other stuff, he really is trying. He has learned quickly that when I say I want to know if there is any interaction with her, I need to know. As for remorse? I'm honestly not sure. I know he regrets it but sometimes I don't feel like he gets it. How absolutely destructive this was and that he also needs to face it, head on.

I don't know, I'm just having a really bad day today. We're supposed to talk tonight so we'll see.

sri624 posted 11/5/2013 19:14 PM

thanks....i have come a long way with the help of ic and of course all the great people on SI.

i was a pathetic mess when i joined. and now...i am simply strong enough to let him go if he cannot respect my boundaries. the pain of losing my m is real....but what i know now is that as painful as it might be....IT WONT KILL ME. i will be alright.

most important is that he knows that.

making him quit that job be a top priority is what i would do...or pack a bag. even if it means less money. who will make know?

blackbirdfly posted 11/5/2013 20:16 PM

I'm sure it can happen. However, my WH had an EA with his co-worker. Ended it, changed work areas, etc. Was angry, thought she was "dumb", hated being around her.

A year later, those feelings had faded. He thought, "of course we can be friends, I deserve to have a friend. She's just a nice person, etc."

EA became two-month PA/Sext affair.

Not saying it can't happen, but it takes a lot of work. If i had known about SI then we might have been more successful. But it's not easy either way.

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