I found out in late April and it took me until mid-May to realize it was a dealbreaker for me.
I moved out and told him I didn't want to talk to him at all for 2 months.
2 months came and went and we haven't talked since.
I am only just now beginning to be myself. I think I've gone about two weeks without having a truly "bad day" (a little weepy sometimes if someone talks to me about it, but that's it). I'm starting to forget the affair as something that defines my life. I'm getting on with it. I'm getting over him.
I couldn't have done any of it without the full break and the continued no contact. It really did take me until the end of September to fully accept that there were no circumstances under which I could take him back and that a life as the affair police wasn't one that I wanted.
I was with my WS for over 10 years. What would have been our 11th just went by. It's an oddly painful amount of time to be with someone and have this happen: not so short that you don't feel like things are solid and your future is in front of you, not so long that you have decades of the weight of a shared life on your shoulders.
I spent a lot of time focused on him the way you are: how could he? why would he? how was he able to look me in the face knowing what he had done? etc etc etc
It also took me several months to stop worrying about him and to worry about me. How could I stay with someone who could do this to me? Why would I stay with someone who could do this to me? How am I able to look him and myself in the face and not always remember that he has completely destroyed the blind and naive and completely trusting love that I had for him?
I have to tell you that what I just said probably sounds like a bunch of rhetorical crap on some level. I remember people here on SI telling me things like this when I was really at low points and it just didn't sink it. It was just words. But now that I'm coming out of my own fog, those words do have content. They do begin to mean something.
When I read your post, I get fixated on your last line. I wonder if, deep down, this is a dealbreaker for you, too?
So life feels normal again when you are ready to get to know you again, in light of this devastation. Once you begin to do that, you'll know what you can handle and you won't be as consumed by his actions.
(( hugs ))