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When does life feel normal again?

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Justmarried85 posted 11/4/2013 20:01 PM

Hi I am new on here and don't know the abbreviations and such so I am just gonna tell me story. I found about my H A on July 8,2013. And my life has not been the same since. I discovered he was havin an A with some OW for two and a half months. But what makes it hurt so much more for me is he met her and slept with her not even one month after we were married. We have been together 9 years but just finally married April of this year. And 20 days later he was picking up a stranger at the bar and having an A with her. They slept together 4 times to my knowledge in the 2.5 month time period. But they sent over 5000 texts messages in this time! And while he was makin this ow feel so special he was miserable at home. He was up all hours texting her not sharing our bed anymore. He neglected his children and home because he was so busy with this new relationship. I don't know how I didn't see all the signs. But after living apart for over a month we decided to work on reconciling. So it's been 5 months since I have found out and I have good days and really bad days. When does it get easier? When will it not consume my every waking thought? we are seeing a marriage counseling which helps but only temporary. When I think of all the lies and hurt I'm devastated all over again. How could he say he loves me and hurt me so bad? Why did he wait till we were married before he did it? How did he not stop and question his actions? Think of his consequences? How could he sneak out of our family home while we slept and not think twice about it? Will all this thoughts ever stop. I feel like I'm going mental. Every day is a struggle with myself. Maybe I just wasn't built to forgive this.

OldCow18 posted 11/4/2013 20:25 PM

Welcome. My d-day is 6.8.13 so we are in a similar time frame, and I still have all the same questions as you. Are you in individual counseling (IC)? I often say the same as you, maybe this IS a dealbreaker for me. One thing I decided early on based on my therapist and all the wise advice here was not to make any decisions right away. I gave myself a 6 month waiting period (which arrives on 12.8) before really making a decision. If I'm still unclear then I may push it out 3 months, but there is no reason to have to make any decisions right away and taking the pressure to do so away is helpful. The answer I'm about to give you sucks, I know because I've gotten the same answer so many times too, but I think it's true... Take this one day at a time, or even one hour at a time, and then give it more time. Hugs to you.

torn2pieces posted 11/4/2013 20:52 PM

my day is a year and half out. i use to be paralyzed by the affair for close to nine months. struggled daily up til maybe 14 months. somewhere along the line realized i wasn't thinking of ow/h all day instead maybe everywhere day. things are much better and when i do get upset its for less time. i can get it out of my head easier and give my thought little of my time. i never thought id get this far is far from perfact but tolerable. i still have triggers but can rationalize things more as before id get a bit crazy. sorry your going thru this. you will be much stronger in the end even thoughost you feel like sometimes you can barely gte

torn2pieces posted 11/4/2013 20:53 PM

get up.

Gajit posted 11/4/2013 20:58 PM

It never gets normal again in my opinion.

My experience is different. I waffled back and forth for a little while but finally decided early that I wanted a divorce. (We are married 20 years, together 26 now).

Read the healing library here and post often. There are a LOT of caring people here willing to help you through your ordeal.


PhantomLimb posted 11/4/2013 21:47 PM

I found out in late April and it took me until mid-May to realize it was a dealbreaker for me.

I moved out and told him I didn't want to talk to him at all for 2 months.

2 months came and went and we haven't talked since.

I am only just now beginning to be myself. I think I've gone about two weeks without having a truly "bad day" (a little weepy sometimes if someone talks to me about it, but that's it). I'm starting to forget the affair as something that defines my life. I'm getting on with it. I'm getting over him.

I couldn't have done any of it without the full break and the continued no contact. It really did take me until the end of September to fully accept that there were no circumstances under which I could take him back and that a life as the affair police wasn't one that I wanted.

I was with my WS for over 10 years. What would have been our 11th just went by. It's an oddly painful amount of time to be with someone and have this happen: not so short that you don't feel like things are solid and your future is in front of you, not so long that you have decades of the weight of a shared life on your shoulders.

I spent a lot of time focused on him the way you are: how could he? why would he? how was he able to look me in the face knowing what he had done? etc etc etc

It also took me several months to stop worrying about him and to worry about me. How could I stay with someone who could do this to me? Why would I stay with someone who could do this to me? How am I able to look him and myself in the face and not always remember that he has completely destroyed the blind and naive and completely trusting love that I had for him?

I have to tell you that what I just said probably sounds like a bunch of rhetorical crap on some level. I remember people here on SI telling me things like this when I was really at low points and it just didn't sink it. It was just words. But now that I'm coming out of my own fog, those words do have content. They do begin to mean something.

When I read your post, I get fixated on your last line. I wonder if, deep down, this is a dealbreaker for you, too?

So life feels normal again when you are ready to get to know you again, in light of this devastation. Once you begin to do that, you'll know what you can handle and you won't be as consumed by his actions.

(( hugs ))

inca posted 11/4/2013 22:24 PM

I hate to say this to you newbies, but why are you in General forum? Seems you should be in JFO. You are all so new to this. IT SUCKS for the first 6 months. You feel like YOU ARE IN A WAR. After that it gradually, I MEAN GRADUALLY, gets a little better. That means 6 months and one day feels almost no different than 5 months and 27 days. Every day continues to be a struggle. But you will get through this. Where you will be on the other side is partially about you - where you want to be, and somewhat still, if you decide it is worth it, about the WS. I wish you all good luck. My best advise is decide who you want to be and go be it. I wish this never happened for me but I have made very positive personal life chnages - weight loss, career change, etc. and I am in a better place even though my M is still evolving and uncertain. I am sending good thoughts your way!

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