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Constantly Fearing

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HeartInADustpan posted 11/4/2013 20:40 PM

Your WS is laughing at you for "getting away with it"? Am I alone in that feeling? I get so pissed about it.

This has to be some made up thing in my head. All directions point to he's NOT laughing behind my back and he's NOT thinking "Man, this is great! I got to screw women and my dumb wife took me back. This is every mans dream" I've had this in my head for months now and it won't go away. KB knows I'm struggling with this constantly and does his best to point out why he hasn't "gotten away" with anything and, quite the contrary, this period in his life has been the hardest because of the amount of digging out the nasty, learning new habits and coping mechanisms and really taking a long hard look at himself.

I still get pissed. I still get mad that I was home with our son and we were second rate in his eyes while he was chasing his latest true luuurrrvvvee. You bet I could have gone out and found me plenty of men to flatter me with compliments and sweep me off my feet, but I didn't because I considered myself a wife and mother first. I'm pissed that had the situation been different...i.e me that cheated...the outcome would have been a lot different.

I'm pissed I'm betraying myself by trying to R when pretty much the first thing out of my mouth in any relationship I've ever had has been cheating is a deal breaker. I'm pissed I feel like I'm allowing myself to be a doormat again in attempting R.

Ugh. Anti is in 10 days and I'm feeling every bit of it.

stongmomof3 posted 11/4/2013 21:14 PM

I could write this exact post word for word. No advice, I'm sorry but I do feel exactly like this most days. Hugs.

ShatteredLove00 posted 11/4/2013 23:29 PM

I understand this feeling. I haven't even mentioned it to my WS because I know how ridiculous it is...he is working really hard to make changes in his life and has had to deal with a very unhappy home (whereas before I was a pretty freakin' pleasant person to be around...)

I think part of it is that I feel like my life completely fell apart - I'm suffering a lot - and to anyone outside our home, it doesn't seem like he really had any. He could have gotten diseases, lost his job, been arrested, lost his family...and none of it. Despite the "consequences" he's facing at home, he was incredibly fortunate none of these terrible things happened to him despite acting terribly, and sometimes that makes me mad. Sometimes I wish he had some of these more serious consequences to ensure he was adequately "punished" and humbled.

Thessalian posted 11/4/2013 23:55 PM

Yup. I feel like he got everything he wanted.

He got a wife who paid his way through his graduate degree by working 3 jobs while saving up enough money for us to start our dream life as soon as he graduated. He got a wife that let him party and completely trusted him to live as he pleased as long as he went to work regularly, a wife who made all the holidays happen every year while he just sat around and enjoyed it, a wife who Christmas shopped for his family, a wife who planned all our vacations, did our taxes, made more money, was loyal and loving.

Then, when he didn't feel like enough of a man because he couldn't be effed to participate in creating our life together, he got to go screw whoever he wanted for 1.5 years, getting his ego gratification physically and emotionally elsewhere while neglecting our sex life and acting like he didn't have "that much of a drive". When he got caught, oh, look - his wife takes him back despite hurting like hell, his friends and family shower him with support for his recovery, etc. etc. etc. What's not to laugh about?

Truth is, I know he's not laughing about it. The reality is that it's been monumentally hard on everyone. But I do think this sometimes for sure.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:56 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

littlemrsV0813 posted 11/5/2013 00:15 AM

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:49 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

WeHadItAll posted 11/5/2013 01:52 AM

Feel you, HIAD - my anti is in 11 days. Other significant dates in the A have come and gone without much fanfare, but this one is looming in my mind.

For me, I know he's not laughing - I know he hates himself for what he did - but that feeling you describe is just another facet of feeling like a doormat and a fool, which is my biggest hangup. It's my pride, I know, but it's done a number on my self-confidence and self-perception.

cantaccept posted 11/5/2013 05:37 AM

I have been feeling this also, that feeling that you are betraying yourself, that you are humiliating yourself by trying to R.

The one thing that is slowly and I mean slowly changing that is h is beginning to express his pain.

To hear him talk about how he feels about himself and who he was then, what he allowed himself to do helps me.

It makes me feel that we are going through this pain together. Those are his consequences, he has to live with his actions, actions that now cause him to feel shame.

bionicgal posted 11/5/2013 06:26 AM

Honestly, I am not sure why, but no... I haven't gotten that particular feeling. However like most BS, I have worried that i am being a fool.

HeartInADustpan posted 11/5/2013 07:34 AM

As always, everyone has expressed and pointed out the deeper meaning of what I'm feeling.

ShatteredLove you are spot on. All the things that "could" have happened to him because of his actions but didn't. I'm not a vindictive person by any stretch, but I am very much a you do the crime, you do the time person. There is no justice in any of this and I feel like I'm suffering and he gets to go his merry way.

Thessalian, I could have written your post word for word.

I'm the one who gets all the pain and sh!t and he gets. . . to do whatever he wanted and still get me in the end.

Yep. There is part of me that sure wishes I could do whatever the hell I wanted for 6 years and get to come home.

I know he's not laughing - I know he hates himself for what he did.

To hear him talk about how he feels about himself and who he was then, what he allowed himself to do helps me. It makes me feel that we are going through this pain together. Those are his consequences, he has to live with his actions, actions that now cause him to feel shame.

I know he does too. That's why I KNOW this has to be an irrational fear, but I just don't know how to overcome it. KB knows the shit sandwich he's served and he has been there while I'm choking it down.

I guess it's just another stop on the coaster. This too shall pass. Thanks guys...I really don't know how I would have made it this far without SI.

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/5/2013 08:51 AM

I'm pissed I'm betraying myself by trying to R when pretty much the first thing out of my mouth in any relationship I've ever had has been cheating is a deal breaker. I'm pissed I feel like I'm allowing myself to be a doormat again in attempting R.

Yup, yup, and YUP. Feel EXACTLY this way....

[This message edited by Wannaworkthruit at 8:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/5/2013 08:55 AM

It's helped taking it one day at a time. Like I don't have to "commit" to reconciling for the the rest of my life. Someone here gave me that advice- wake up and say- can I commit to this marriage for one more day? And then just do that. See where things go.

I got to the point about a year out where I just HAD to start doing it this way; trying to plan anything more than one day at a time in my marriage was counterproductive what with the vortex of emotions swirling..

musiclovingmom posted 11/5/2013 09:08 AM

I'm pissed I'm betraying myself by trying to R when pretty much the first thing out of my mouth in any relationship I've ever had has been cheating is a deal breaker

I used to feel this early on. What I've realized is that it would be a worse betrayal of myself to walk away from something without working on it. When I'm teaching, I have confidence in the abilities of ALL my students - regardless of how screwed up they are. I keep that confidence a lot longer than many of my colleagues do. I want everyone to succeed. I believe in my H the same way. He makes it easy because he is working so hard. I'm a justice where justice is due person too, but an adult accepting responsibility for and working to make amends for and permanently correct their actions is justice too.
I will say, this feeling that he got off scott free was weighing very heavily on me before our first anti. I wrote him several pages detailing exactly how he hurt me. All the reasons I hated him for this. In response, he wrote a very detailed, heartfelt apology. That was a big turning point for me.

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