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AlexFL posted 11/4/2013 21:13 PM

Tried to talk to him and tell him that this latest betrayal has infested my thoughts and i feel the need to know every detail. I brought up some suspicions I had about some people he knew and he blew up! He said I have to stop belittling him. He said I just keep piling on more and more. He screamed that nothing happened with the other people.

I tried to explain that I'm trying to work past these thoughts and I'm not trying to hurt him but everything seems suspicious.

He said he is leaving town and basically "F" me and he is walking away from the business and everything. And that he will not be at work anymore and I can go figure that out.

Skan posted 11/4/2013 22:28 PM

Alex, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. For your own sake, believe that he means exactly what he says and shows to you that he is a liar, a cheater, and doesn't have your best interests in his heart. (((hugs)))

gonnabe2016 posted 11/5/2013 00:58 AM

You realize that he is bullying you, right?

Hope2B posted 11/5/2013 02:04 AM

What Skan said!!!! What Skan said!!!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. For your own sake, believe that he means exactly what he says and shows to you that he is a liar, a cheater, and doesn't have your best interests in his heart.

He is trying to manipulate you, and like gonnabe said, he's a bully.

I don't know if you two own a business together or are active partners in a business or what, but if so, you really need to get some legal advice about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Gumdropped posted 11/5/2013 09:16 AM

Sounds like victim mentality for sure. Every time my SO and I get down to talking about his EA's it eventually gets very heated. The first three times he packed a few things and got ready to leave. I didn't beg but made it clear that I didn't want him to leave so he didn't. The fourth time he used the old " well do you want me to leave" all with the mad face etc. this time I looked him right in the eye and very calmly said yes you should leave. He got out to the car and made some lame excuse about another set of keys and came back in. To make a long story short- calling them in their pathetic behaviour may sometimes scare them in to trying to work on the issues. Fast forward to the last 2 discussions he has not threatened to leave and has stuck out the conversation no matter how painful. It's as if they want to turn it around so they are the victim and this is the crazy making behaviour that you have to watch out for.

AlexFL posted 11/5/2013 13:04 PM

Oh I am aware of some of the tricks. I just am aware of them always after we R. I know he is trying every angle to see which one will work. I'm trying to be true myself by figuring out if I want to be in a relationship at all, but also being truthful in saying that when things were great with him -they were really great.

I hate that I've been placed in this position again.

I think a real man would say, "I know I've hurt you over and over, I don't want to end the relationship but I have not been fair to you and think you deserve some stability and trust in your life. I am quietly letting go but I will continue to uphold my responsibilities. I am going to work on this issue and try to resolve what is lacking inside me. It may not help us but I am willing to try so that I never inflict this pain on anyone else"

Wow if he would say that, I would at least think he was a true man, someone that could really recognize what they've done. Betrayal is so much harder when u actually allow yourself to feel the pain instead of sweep it under the rug (like I've done in the past)

Gumdropped posted 11/6/2013 20:40 PM

I can only give you a ray of hope, like I said in my last post. He has finally quit running from dealing with how I feel. I really do try to discuss issues or triggers in an non threatening way because I get a lot farther than riding my turbo broom (with the cat attached). Actually I get more it of it as well as I am able to concentrate and state facts instead of hysterics.

AlexFL posted 11/12/2013 21:58 PM

Told me today he was not paying the mortgage anymore since he doesn't live here. He said he may move to another state soon and start over.....

MollyJo posted 11/12/2013 23:27 PM

"Poor me, you're persecuting me by being suspicious of everything that I'm exactly what I've already proven myself to be"...

Typical. I made my bed, and now I don't like it and don't want to lie in it.

Doesn't sound like someone who's recognizing the extent of the sin he's committed, or the pain he's caused. Hugs.

plainpain posted 11/13/2013 11:24 AM

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think you really should talk to a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are. I haven't really followed your story, don't know where you live and what the laws are there, but it doesn't seem at all right that a person should be able to use that kind of financial leverage over a person. It's abuse, bullying, emotional blackmail. Put up with it and suffer, or don't put up with it and suffer more, basically. I think you deserve so much more than that.

I think it's like when you put a frog into hot water - it jumps right out. If you put it into cold water, turn up the heat slowly, it will cook to death. I think as a BS I was that way for a long, long time. I put up with stuff for so many years, not really making an issue of it, sweeping it under the rug, making excuses... but looking back now, knowing everything I know, I see clearly that I was emotionally abused for almost our entire marriage. I was so confused during his A, I didn't know what I was doing wrong, why he was so hot and cold. I literally fell on the floor in front of him once, begging him not to leave me. WTF?? No dignity at all.

Don't lose your dignity - not for anyone, for any price.

LMomof2 posted 11/13/2013 13:22 PM

AlexFL - When the WH realizes he is losing control of the situation; when we the BWs stand strong against thei lying and cheating refusing to sweep it under the rug again, refusing to make excuses; refusing to forgive this time, the WH starts reacting out of fear, making threats to us. Know your rights, see your lawyer, make copies of all important papers, document everything he is saying and doing to you! There are laws in place to protect us in these situations. Your WH is not above the law and he will soon find this out. Actually, they really already know what they can and can't do. But they like to threaten in order to (falsely) feel back in control. Get to a lawyer ASAP.

SummerStorm21 posted 11/13/2013 13:29 PM

Is his name on the home loan?

PeaceLove187 posted 11/13/2013 14:15 PM

My FWH recently admitted that he thought about running away when everything was falling apart. He thought he could leave the state and just start a new life somewhere else where nobody knew him and nobody hated him. Of course he didn't do it, but in my opinion he really wanted to run away from himself, as he was the only thing standing between the life he was living and the person he wanted to be.

You can't control what your H does, but you can protect yourself. Move money to your own account, see a lawyer, make copies of all documents and don't ever let him bully you into sweeping all this under the rug. 90% of the time an angry reaction happens because you've hit a nerve of truth. Stay as calm and respectful as possible, but don't back down.

AlexFL posted 11/13/2013 14:20 PM

I feel like this is a totally different person and I don't recognize him at all. He is now acting like he doesn't care (I think he is trying to 180 me lol) anyway I just can't seem to walk away. He is being an a&$hole and hypocrite and I call him out on it.

We had a somewhat calm conversation and he still takes complete responsibility for the ONS but wants to point out things in the relationship that I'm 50% responsible for. I've been starting to think maybe I'm not that good of a partner. He told me what he'd like (more attention, more affection etc etc)
Well if you want those things than keep your Di$@ in your pants -- sorry I hold onto traumatic experiences.
Anyway. I had an epiphany driving alone-- I heard everything I'm suppose to change but I have yet to hear what he is changing. And actually he is the one that screwed up again--

I decided there's nothing wrong with me. I was dedicated, loyal and did the best I can. I am a great person. I am very nice (maybe a little too codependent but I'm working on that)
I don't deserve this Bull- and anyone would be lucky to be with me. He is a cocky and arrogant and if he directs those energies towards me I am not going to accept that.

I made myself feel better but I would be told I'm selfish for thinking of myself. Infidelity sucks. There really should be laws against it. I can prove he had sex without a condom. I confronted the other person. He could have put my health at risk. If there were more legal consequences for this not for moral but for possible physical harm.... It may deter people from doing this crap. Not to mention the emotional stress.

It's sucks to be in love with someone who turns into a jerk. I should have known if be on his hit list eventually.

plainpain posted 11/13/2013 15:47 PM

I think I would rather my H punched me in the face than to do what he did. I sincerely think an A qualifies as domestic violence. I feel battered on the inside - everything I knew has been shattered. We are victims of trauma - like the walking dead, sometimes, I think. I'm sure I don't want to return to the days of stoning or scarlet letters - but wow. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to get through this with an unremorseful spouse. It is just unimaginable. I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

LMomof2 posted 11/13/2013 16:17 PM

...and I don't understand why infidelity doesn't come into play (much) in some states with no fault divorce. In PA, my lawyer says it may get me a bit more alimony, (of course solid proof has to be there, which it is in my case) but I think I should walk away with EVERYTHING we have accumulated together...he is the one that broke our marriage vows.

AlexFL posted 11/19/2013 21:58 PM

Things have calmed slightly. He is distancing himself. He is getting counseling and so am I. Not sure R is in the future. Not really sure I want to R not sure I want to throw in the towel either. I do feel like enough is enough. Can a serial cheater ever change? I think I've given enough chances. I miss the friendship we had. I enjoy my counselor. She has some good things to say. I'm still feeling like I'm at a stand still.

AlexFL posted 12/4/2013 22:41 PM

UPDATE-- nothing has changed. I'm tired of talking to him. Tired of his guilt trips, I'm tired of being angry, sad and frustrated because of this. Everyday for 9 weeks talking about this and all the other asinine things he has done and he has the audacity to tell me he doesn't want to talk to me cause I make him feel like a bad person.

I am being punished because he cheated again. I hate that someone can unknowingly manipulate me and my feelings. I truly do not think he knows that he is doing it but I have so much hurt and anger that when he discusses what brought us to where we are; all I hear is him blaming me even if that's not what he is saying.

9 weeks. Ruined holiday season and 9 weeks I won't get back. I do not understand how people get over this. I am in IC and I do not see me ever forgiving this. I could sweep it under the rug but believe me I will never forget this pain.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/4/2013 23:04 PM

I hate that someone can unknowingly manipulate me and my feelings.

He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants all the control, he wants to do whatever he wants.....bad you for not going along with it, according to him.

He is self absorbed and selfish. when he doesn't get his way he deflects, blameshifts, goes for your jugular.

Your instincts are dead on. Trust your gut!

He is emotionally abusing you, again, and again. This stops when you say it does.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:06 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 12/5/2013 10:04 AM

Alex, he isn't even doing the minimum, the bare minimum, to try to keep you. His actions over the last 9 weeks have proved that to you. Its time to walk away. See a lawyer, since you have ties together, and start carving out your own life. You don't want to look back in one year, two years, five years, 20, and say "if only." (((hugs)))