When exwh started his A it was just 5 months after giving birth to our second child (and third pregnancy... had a miscarriage that I didn't lose the weight from). I was 145 lbs. and 5'7". I didn't think i was heavy at the time but looking back I can't believe I put on so much weight. During the infidelity diet I lost a lot of weight. I had to give up nursing our child because I wasn't keeping anything down for days. I dropped down to 107. Looking at those pictures I realize that I looked so sick and extremely thin.
I have since then put on 25 lbs and I hate the way I look. I live with my parents until I can get back on my feet. My mom has always had a problem with her weight and has finally managed to keep it off. So she weighs less than me. She has always made comments about what I eat and my weight. My coworkers have been trying to fatten me up. I hate all the comments about my weight.
The voice of my exwh keeps playing.... That he cheated because I wasn't girlie enough. I didn't have a manicure. I didn't let my nails grow out long enough (hello FT it's called housework.... You should try it some time). I didn't paint my toenails often enough. I didn't wear makeup very often. I didn't wear sexy enough underwear and it wasn't a thong or whatever his idea of sexy was. That I didn't dress girlie enough/ sexy enough.
Don't know why tonight I'm seeing myself through my Ex's eyes and wondering why my SO is even dating me. Why anyone would want to? I had stayed with my exwh (before the A) because I didn't believe that anyone would ever put up with me like he did.
I know that all that I have gone through has caused me to be extremely insecure. I can't trust anyone.... Even family because everyone has let me down or walked out when I needed them. I'm a shell of a person.
[This message edited by courageous at 6:19 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
You? A November Daisy. Read it.
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:52 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
when I started dating TG 3 years ago I was 30 pounds thinner. I had a bad riding accident and my physical activity has been severely curtailed and I haven't moderated my food intake accordingly. That man still loves me like crazy. I'm working on losing the weight but the best thing is? I have no doubt he loves me regardless.
Your X is a moron. Girly enough? you are who you are..I paint my toenails once a year for fun. My fingernails are a hopeless mess. I don't own hairspray or blow dryer and sure the heck can't properly apply eyeshadow. You are you! That's who your SO loves and your WXH didn't have the wisdom to appreciate.
Damn these posts make me angry! You should never have been made to feel like this was about appearance. Its all about HIS own issues
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Edited to remove poem
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:52 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
Look at his actions. A man who cheats on his wife after giving birth to his child does not have good thinking skills!
I am 5'7" and I wish I weighed 145. I feel I look good at that weight!
Being a "girlie girl"? My xWH#1 didn't like me wearing earrings or having nail polish on. Your exidiot is just making up lame excuses because he doesn't have a real excuse.
It sounds like your SO is dating you because he likes YOU, not because of stupid things like mani/pedis.
One thing I could suggest is that you see an IC. Going through infidelity is traumatizing and a D just adds to it. It will also help you see that you are a great person inside, not how you look on the outside.
Right now, don't worry about your weight for looks, just concern yourself with being healthy. Exercise and eat healthy foods for you to be strong for YOU and your kids.
And try to calmly assert yourself to your Mom and your "well meaning" coworkers that talking about your weight is making you feel uncomfortable, so please stop!
He did not cheat because of you. He cheated because he has bad coping skills. He didn't like those things about you still wouldn't justify what he did. Own your faults, but this isn't one of them.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:36 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
Honey, your husband did not cheat on you because you gained a few pounds after having a baby. He didn't cheat on you because you were a bit frazzled trying to take care of a house and little kids. He didn't cheat on you because the laundry wasn't done or because you didn't feel like rocking a black nightie every Saturday night. It actually had nothing at all to do with you.
Look at Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock and the rest of the "beautiful" people who get the same ration of shit that we had. I'm pretty sure their jackass ex husbands were not thinking of their weight while they were cheating.
He can say whatever he wants and make whatever excuse is most convenient. It's all bullshit.
He cheated because he is fundamentally flawed and he simply cannot cope with real life. His insides are fucked up and he had no other way to cope with having to grow up and take care of and be part of a family. He cheated because he's not happy with himself so he counted on some stupid slut to feed him a big dose of ego kibbles.
It's NOT you. I had a hard time with that notion too, but I finally got it and now know it to be true.
It's ok to do some introspection and self evaluation after this kind of trauma. In fact, it's odd not to do that. But, the negative self talk will get you nowhere. Is better to focus on the great parts of you, the loving, caring person who unfortunately put all faith and trust in an emotionally retarded asshole. Now that he's gone, figure out your own boundaries and what you will and won't put up with when it comes to your SO and your family. Figure out what you want and what will make you satisfied and content with your own self. At the end of the day, you are the one you need to count on the most. You are the one that will always have your best interests and safety at heart.
I know this is so hard. I fall down all the time and I get down on myself a lot too. We all do. But you are worth love and it needs to come first and foremost from yourself.
Well, that is as inane and stupid as what your h told you. They are full of crap and that is just pure t blameshifting. recognize it for what it is and do NOT internalize it.
You are NOT overweight. I hope you discuss your body image issues with your ic. ((Courageous))
[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:23 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
A) Have you seen a c@$k made out of gold? Me neither. When I see one, maybe the owner of such magnificence can give comments on my post-baby body.
B) Before having kids, I still had never seen my ex being the perfect male specimen; therefore, he can shut it.
3) My ex left me (our twins being just over 15 months at start of affair), for a 22-year old with 2 kids by 2 men, the youngest being about six-months old, and started texting my asshole of an ex nudie pics "for his opinion".
A) I should probably mention that my exwh gained well over 50 lbs after we got married so he is no spring chicken.
3) the ow is younger than me and has never had kids. She wants mine
Oh bloody hell stop it right now! your self worth cannot be defined by your appearance.
But for most of my life it was. My body was what guys were interested in... Most if the time the only thing they were interested in. I have been sexually abused. I know that plays into my body image. My exwh created and pushed a lot of the buttons I'm struggling with now.
You are you! That's who your SO loves and your WXH didn't have the wisdom to appreciate.
Thank you. I need to remind myself this over and over again
A part of me knows those were all excuse so cheat and more than likely she did and had all of those things... Which is very easy to do when you have no children and are 5 years younger than me.
The issue is the voice... The "you are a failure and if you just hador did 1. 2. And 3 you wouldn't be a failure".
A lot of my issues involve fear... Fear of abandonment. My exwh left me because I didn't look this certain way. Therefore my SO will leave me for the same reasons. I know it's not rational but I don't think many fears are.
I am not seeing what other people see. I'm seeing all the things I could or should be and not what I am. I don't know how to change my focus and I don't know how to make things better.
I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that You Are Enough. But I can tell from your notes here that you wouldn't believe me. Please, please go and find some professional help. They will give you the tools to deal with this crisis.
My exwh left me because I didn't look this certain way.
(((((courageous))))) Challenge yourself on these thoughts, honey. You know logically they aren't true. They are coming from a place of immense pain - I know. But that doesn't make them valid.
Interrupt these ideas when they play through your mind. Don't let the loop of lies keep playing unchallenged.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
13 and I are reading "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Dummies" together. It's a fantastic book that tackles that way of thinking about yourself (I guess the title vs the goal is a little ironic when you think about it).
If you can lay hands on this book, you will have many "aha!" moments, and realize the traps you've been letting yourself fall into.
And by the way, you are a mean motherfucking glamour queen. He was lucky to have you.
[This message edited by pass at 9:15 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
You have got it allll wrong! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you my sweet dear courageous!! NOTHING!!
Please please take some time to reframe how YOU see yourself. Please read books and/or talk to a therapist. We are each beautifully imperfect! Thank God! Continue to heal yourself. Hugs!
I totally understand how you feel because the rejection is soul killing when you love someone so much. But what I learned is that by always trying to please the ex I lost who I was and that is not good. I was so busy being someone he would love I lost me.
You are so much more than he deserved, he is a shitty piece of dog poo and you are a sparkling diamond. His reasons are complete crap and he said them to justify his crappy behavior. Please stop letting his bull crap define you and see the strong, beautiful person that you are.
Take back Courageous and love her for all that she is and all that she will become. She is very special!!!!!!
What will make us even more beautiful than size 4 jeans, manicured nails, etc, is happiness. No amount of makeup can make you radiate beauty and sex appeal like true happiness and self confidence can.
So do what makes YOU happy. It's ok to not like how you look right now, but don't give your ex the power of being the reason why you don't like how you look. Because in reality his opinion doesn't matter. He was going to cheat regardless of whether you were a supermodel or an average human being.
Have you done any counseling since DD? This might be a good time to consider it.
5'7" and 145 is hardly fat.
I think it would really help you to go to IC. You need to stop hearing the critical voices of your mom and your ex in your head and instead listen to your OWN voice. Your SO is lucky to have you. You just need to realize it. ((HUGS))