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User Topic: I can understand why exwh cheated on me
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what's wrong with me....I'm sitting here thinking how I can understand why exwh cheated on me... and I don't blame him

When exwh started his A it was just 5 months after giving birth to our second child (and third pregnancy... had a miscarriage that I didn't lose the weight from). I was 145 lbs. and 5'7". I didn't think i was heavy at the time but looking back I can't believe I put on so much weight. During the infidelity diet I lost a lot of weight. I had to give up nursing our child because I wasn't keeping anything down for days. I dropped down to 107. Looking at those pictures I realize that I looked so sick and extremely thin.

I have since then put on 25 lbs and I hate the way I look. I live with my parents until I can get back on my feet. My mom has always had a problem with her weight and has finally managed to keep it off. So she weighs less than me. She has always made comments about what I eat and my weight. My coworkers have been trying to fatten me up. I hate all the comments about my weight.

The voice of my exwh keeps playing.... That he cheated because I wasn't girlie enough. I didn't have a manicure. I didn't let my nails grow out long enough (hello FT it's called housework.... You should try it some time). I didn't paint my toenails often enough. I didn't wear makeup very often. I didn't wear sexy enough underwear and it wasn't a thong or whatever his idea of sexy was. That I didn't dress girlie enough/ sexy enough.

Don't know why tonight I'm seeing myself through my Ex's eyes and wondering why my SO is even dating me. Why anyone would want to? I had stayed with my exwh (before the A) because I didn't believe that anyone would ever put up with me like he did.

I know that all that I have gone through has caused me to be extremely insecure. I can't trust anyone.... Even family because everyone has let me down or walked out when I needed them. I'm a shell of a person.

[This message edited by courageous at 6:19 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
Iamhappytoday
♀ 39051
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A) Have you seen a c@$k made out of gold? Me neither. When I see one, maybe the owner of such magnificence can give comments on my post-baby body.
B) Before having kids, I still had never seen my ex being the perfect male specimen; therefore, he can shut it.
3) My ex left me (our twins being just over 15 months at start of affair), for a 22-year old with 2 kids by 2 men, the youngest being about six-months old, and started texting my asshole of an ex nudie pics "for his opinion".
You? You are great and beautiful EXACTLY as you are. You were faithful and true. Your beauty didn't lessen because someone else made a poor decision. Your loveliness is still there.
Don't let a coward play you. You were strong, committed. They were weak and failed those they were supposed to love and protect.
That, my friend, is unattractive.

You? A November Daisy. Read it.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:52 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh bloody hell stop it right now! your self worth cannot be defined by your appearance.

when I started dating TG 3 years ago I was 30 pounds thinner. I had a bad riding accident and my physical activity has been severely curtailed and I haven't moderated my food intake accordingly. That man still loves me like crazy. I'm working on losing the weight but the best thing is? I have no doubt he loves me regardless.

Your X is a moron. Girly enough? you are who you are..I paint my toenails once a year for fun. My fingernails are a hopeless mess. I don't own hairspray or blow dryer and sure the heck can't properly apply eyeshadow. You are you! That's who your SO loves and your WXH didn't have the wisdom to appreciate.

Damn these posts make me angry! You should never have been made to feel like this was about appearance. Its all about HIS own issues
GRRRR!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8490 | Registered: Apr 2008
Iamhappytoday
♀ 39051
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Edited to remove poem

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:52 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
honesttoafault
♀ 27105
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT let his opinion of you define you.

Look at his actions. A man who cheats on his wife after giving birth to his child does not have good thinking skills!

I am 5'7" and I wish I weighed 145. I feel I look good at that weight!

Being a "girlie girl"? My xWH#1 didn't like me wearing earrings or having nail polish on. Your exidiot is just making up lame excuses because he doesn't have a real excuse.

It sounds like your SO is dating you because he likes YOU, not because of stupid things like mani/pedis.

One thing I could suggest is that you see an IC. Going through infidelity is traumatizing and a D just adds to it. It will also help you see that you are a great person inside, not how you look on the outside.

Right now, don't worry about your weight for looks, just concern yourself with being healthy. Exercise and eat healthy foods for you to be strong for YOU and your kids.
And try to calmly assert yourself to your Mom and your "well meaning" coworkers that talking about your weight is making you feel uncomfortable, so please stop!


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your self esteem is in the toilet and your lovely mother is not helping. You need to work on that and also learn to tell you mother to shut it.
I weigh more than you and am shorter, so I'm incredulous that you feel fat. Sorry, that is all your screwed perspective.
You need to love and accept yourself no matter what you weigh. As you've seen, even thin, you were unhappy.
Happiness is a choice and not something that happens when you hit a magical bmi.
I was once .in your shoes, and I read a lot of happiness books ( check out Robert Holden)
Also, I realized he didn't cheat because I didn't do X,Y, or Z. And that took me a long time to grasp. He was more than happy to list my ever changing faults and pin it on me. But guess what, it's just blame shifting.
Work on you and loving yourself, and being an awesome mom. You can do this.

He did not cheat because of you. He cheated because he has bad coping skills. He didn't like those things about you still wouldn't justify what he did. Own your faults, but this isn't one of them.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:36 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That negative self talk can really take hold sometimes and it's hard to let it go. But, at some point, you need to.

Honey, your husband did not cheat on you because you gained a few pounds after having a baby. He didn't cheat on you because you were a bit frazzled trying to take care of a house and little kids. He didn't cheat on you because the laundry wasn't done or because you didn't feel like rocking a black nightie every Saturday night. It actually had nothing at all to do with you.

Look at Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock and the rest of the "beautiful" people who get the same ration of shit that we had. I'm pretty sure their jackass ex husbands were not thinking of their weight while they were cheating.

He can say whatever he wants and make whatever excuse is most convenient. It's all bullshit.

He cheated because he is fundamentally flawed and he simply cannot cope with real life. His insides are fucked up and he had no other way to cope with having to grow up and take care of and be part of a family. He cheated because he's not happy with himself so he counted on some stupid slut to feed him a big dose of ego kibbles.

It's NOT you. I had a hard time with that notion too, but I finally got it and now know it to be true.

It's ok to do some introspection and self evaluation after this kind of trauma. In fact, it's odd not to do that. But, the negative self talk will get you nowhere. Is better to focus on the great parts of you, the loving, caring person who unfortunately put all faith and trust in an emotionally retarded asshole. Now that he's gone, figure out your own boundaries and what you will and won't put up with when it comes to your SO and your family. Figure out what you want and what will make you satisfied and content with your own self. At the end of the day, you are the one you need to count on the most. You are the one that will always have your best interests and safety at heart.

I know this is so hard. I fall down all the time and I get down on myself a lot too. We all do. But you are worth love and it needs to come first and foremost from yourself.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2882 | Registered: Jan 2011
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

courageous, sorry but I do not believe that crap for a minute. although I fall often into that mindset, infidelity does that ! it rips your insides out, it can make you insecure and start blaming yourself . it is ok to reflect on that once in a while but do not believe it ! you took the same vow that I did and everyone else here . for better or worse , sick or health, rich or poor!!till death do us part! he bailed not you , he is screwed up , not you! My stbxww gained weight after child birth too. most woman do but who the hell cared? I didn't even notice! who the hell am I to tell you how to eat or how to dress, she was insecure in the bedroom at times but I tried to make her feel good . like your husband should have. he is flawed not you ! he is a coward like my stbxww. they blame and blame and lie , you could have been the hottest woman in the world. guess what then you wouldn't be smart enough!or maybe not aggressive enough? or whatever. get the point . my stbxww tried to change me a million times and me like a sucker did ! but it didn't matter to her because she would find something else wrong . I know now that it was her who was screwed up! I was not perfect but I was me! the same me she married. keep your head up . now if you have the time then do those things that you never did , like mani / pedi and feel good about it . do it for you not him!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 709 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of t he reasons my h gave was that I did not dry the back of my (then) long hair sometimes.

Well, that is as inane and stupid as what your h told you. They are full of crap and that is just pure t blameshifting. recognize it for what it is and do NOT internalize it.

You are NOT overweight. I hope you discuss your body image issues with your ic. ((Courageous))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6678 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courageous, You can lose weight, get dressed up, have your nails manicured and basically redo the entire exterior of your body. He on the other hand is nothing more then a cheating, manipulating, lying scumbag. He left you for another lying, cheating whore. The both of them are no good rotten people. You have been freed from the emotional prison he was holding you in. Your misery is coming to an end while his is just beginning. Life has a way of getting even. From where I stand your doing pretty good. He on the other hand is in for a long period of misery. All created by his own hand. Consider yourself lucky my friend. Exterior beauty can be adjusted. Interior ugliness can never go away. And he and OW sure are ugly inside. Consider yourself lucky indeed.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:23 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5830 | Registered: Nov 2007
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A) Have you seen a c@$k made out of gold? Me neither. When I see one, maybe the owner of such magnificence can give comments on my post-baby body.
B) Before having kids, I still had never seen my ex being the perfect male specimen; therefore, he can shut it.
3) My ex left me (our twins being just over 15 months at start of affair), for a 22-year old with 2 kids by 2 men, the youngest being about six-months old, and started texting my asshole of an ex nudie pics "for his opinion".

A) I should probably mention that my exwh gained well over 50 lbs after we got married so he is no spring chicken.

3) the ow is younger than me and has never had kids. She wants mine

Oh bloody hell stop it right now! your self worth cannot be defined by your appearance.

But for most of my life it was. My body was what guys were interested in... Most if the time the only thing they were interested in. I have been sexually abused. I know that plays into my body image. My exwh created and pushed a lot of the buttons I'm struggling with now.

You are you! That's who your SO loves and your WXH didn't have the wisdom to appreciate.

Thank you. I need to remind myself this over and over again


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should say it really has nothing to so with my weight but the fact that I am lacking. That I have been told that I'm lacking and what I am lacking.

A part of me knows those were all excuse so cheat and more than likely she did and had all of those things... Which is very easy to do when you have no children and are 5 years younger than me.

The issue is the voice... The "you are a failure and if you just hador did 1. 2. And 3 you wouldn't be a failure".

A lot of my issues involve fear... Fear of abandonment. My exwh left me because I didn't look this certain way. Therefore my SO will leave me for the same reasons. I know it's not rational but I don't think many fears are.

I am not seeing what other people see. I'm seeing all the things I could or should be and not what I am. I don't know how to change my focus and I don't know how to make things better.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:36 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ 33606
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courageous, I don't think you mentioned if you are in the care of a psychologist. If not, please find one right away. I have a shocking number of friends with eating disorders, and your all-or-nothing thinking is similar to theirs.

I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that You Are Enough. But I can tell from your notes here that you wouldn't believe me. Please, please go and find some professional help. They will give you the tools to deal with this crisis.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exwh left me because I didn't look this certain way.
Your exwh left you because he's a broken piece of shit.

(((((courageous))))) Challenge yourself on these thoughts, honey. You know logically they aren't true. They are coming from a place of immense pain - I know. But that doesn't make them valid.

Interrupt these ideas when they play through your mind. Don't let the loop of lies keep playing unchallenged.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26196 | Registered: Aug 2011
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

courageous, negative self-talk is a killer - especially when it has been reinforced by a needle-dick arsehole who wouldn't know a good woman if she shoved a pineapple up his ass.

13 and I are reading "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Dummies" together. It's a fantastic book that tackles that way of thinking about yourself (I guess the title vs the goal is a little ironic when you think about it).

If you can lay hands on this book, you will have many "aha!" moments, and realize the traps you've been letting yourself fall into.

And by the way, you are a mean motherfucking glamour queen. He was lucky to have you.

[This message edited by pass at 9:15 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH HELL NO!!

You have got it allll wrong! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you my sweet dear courageous!! NOTHING!!

Please please take some time to reframe how YOU see yourself. Please read books and/or talk to a therapist. We are each beautifully imperfect! Thank God! Continue to heal yourself. Hugs!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Oct 2012
soverybetrayed
♀ 32948
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courageous honey, I wore makeup everyday, had fake nails, wore the sexy underwear, got a pedicure every two weeks, faked and baked, wore my hair long per his request, wore sexy nighties, dressed very nice and was a size 0-2 and you know what my ex still cheated! I couldn't get the jerk to have sex with me no matter what I did or didn't do. I was rejected for years and do you know what his reason was, "I didn't like his friends or his music". How fracken stupid is that??

I totally understand how you feel because the rejection is soul killing when you love someone so much. But what I learned is that by always trying to please the ex I lost who I was and that is not good. I was so busy being someone he would love I lost me.

You are so much more than he deserved, he is a shitty piece of dog poo and you are a sparkling diamond. His reasons are complete crap and he said them to justify his crappy behavior. Please stop letting his bull crap define you and see the strong, beautiful person that you are.

Take back Courageous and love her for all that she is and all that she will become. She is very special!!!!!!


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
chikastuff
♀ 35288
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen, we're all entitled to have days/weeks where we feel shitty about ourselves. But the truth is, we're all beautiful. We don't NEED to wear makeup, have our nails done, be skinny, to be beautiful. The fact that your ex NEEDED you to be x,y, and z doesn't point to a problem with you, but a problem with THEM.

What will make us even more beautiful than size 4 jeans, manicured nails, etc, is happiness. No amount of makeup can make you radiate beauty and sex appeal like true happiness and self confidence can.

So do what makes YOU happy. It's ok to not like how you look right now, but don't give your ex the power of being the reason why you don't like how you look. Because in reality his opinion doesn't matter. He was going to cheat regardless of whether you were a supermodel or an average human being.

Have you done any counseling since DD? This might be a good time to consider it.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
chikastuff
♀ 35288
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I have fears about not being enough, or being a disappointment. My SO and I met when I was my skinniest. I was unhealthy, but we met on match and I remember that his profile said he liked slender and athletic girls. I don't remember it saying average or curvy. I've since gained 20lbs, which was what I lost during the divorce. So I'm back to normal. But I'm terrified that an an "average" sized woman isn't going to appeal to him and he's going to leave me. I feel like it's false advertising in a way. But I know that these are my problems and not his. He's never once told me that there were things about me that he wanted me to change or that he wanted me to look a different way. And truth be told, he's now been with me at this weight for longer than when I was 125. So maybe he doesn't even notice it at this point. I have no idea because I don't ask and he knows better than to comment.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 5'7". I ran a half-marathon when I was 27. I ran and lifted weights and you could have bounced a quarter off my ass. I weighed 143.

5'7" and 145 is hardly fat.

I think it would really help you to go to IC. You need to stop hearing the critical voices of your mom and your ex in your head and instead listen to your OWN voice. Your SO is lucky to have you. You just need to realize it. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6934 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 32
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