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What have I done.... Who am I?!

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NoMoreTT posted 11/5/2013 05:04 AM

I'm not even sure how to write this.... We are 1 day out from D-day2 (after 5days of TT after D-Day1). I only wish I could have read the posts on here about TT'ing before.... but then what I have done has drowned out the upset caused by the initial TTing. In the end, after several days of stories not adding up and more truths coming out, my BS got me to read this forum and asked for a letter telling the whole truth. I did that yesterday; it took a whole day to piece everything together and I gave an 11 page confession to her at 10pm last night. Her world collapsed and the person that would normally be there to help pick her back up was the one that had done the damage.

The basis of our relationship has always been the close emotional ties we formed, from very early on. We fell in love very quickly. BS suffered from depression throughout our relationship, which initially I was happy to help with; in fact I enjoyed being needed. But as our relationship continued, and we added a child, I found I was less able to cope. As our child grew up I struggled to the point of wanting to leave on regular occasions, but on the occasions we were good, we were really good and I always convinced myself that I should stay; this cycle continued for many years.

Unfortunately during the time after our child was born and I started to struggle with our life together and the stress caused by the disconnect we would feel while she was depressed; I started to use coping mechanisms that involved porn, chatsites and massage parlours. The increase in intensity was fairly steady over about 3 years from that point.

At this point my BS confessed to having been with another man (kissing only); I was devastated and acted as if I had done nothing and held her to full account. At this point my behaviour was crazy. During depressed periods where I was unable to cope I started to use paid sex workers, and continued with massage parlours, chat sites (where I met someone) and porn to 'cope'.

The next year it stopped for about 4 months while I connected with somneone at work. Initially it was harmless, but developed and in the end resulted in 2 encounters, the last being full sex. We called it off at that point. In the middle of the year I started having issues at work and eventually had to quit due to a situation with a manager that was behaving in a way I could not standby and watch.... at this time I suddenly engaged in a monthly onslaught of sex services and chat-site meet ups.By now it had become less to do with my BS' issues and more to do with my low-self esteem. Even after my BS caught me with lewd messages on my phone to a girl I knew, I still continued. It stopped again when I secured a new job, but for some reason I saw another 2 sex workers the month before starting. These I cannot explain except to say that there was a notion of 'just one more......'

After 9 years of marriage, the last 6 had been riddled with emotional deceit, other women (5), massage parlour visits (17) and sex workers (6), totalling separate 28 encounters (not 28 women; not that it makes any difference). To make it worse I had slept with 2 woman on drunken nights out in our first year together before marriage.

The thing that has shocked me in all of this is the vastness of what I have done.... I really didn't realise. I thought it was half that number, and each and every time I did it I was disgusted with myself and vowed never to do it again. Everytime we were doing well together, I would shut down sites, and be able to lock it away like it never happened as I would never need it again. But as soon as the upset, the stress got bad between us I would start escalating again; porn, chat site and massage/sex worker if it was really bad. I didn't enjoy it either. Ever. It was always a let down and I felt disgusted with myself. I must have got some escape and exhiliration from the lead up, but the act itself was always horrible and the feeling afterward, soul destroying.

This doesn't even come close to explaining exactly how it happened, the love that we shared, or how intertwined we were with each other. But the facts remain, I have done this and our world is falling apart. My BS has been amazing, trying to get to a point of reconcilliation consideration; the fact she is even considering it is amazing.

The problem is now, that it has dawned on us that my actions are almost exactly that of a Sex Addict.... something I would never have even considered myself to be. I always thought I had a fairly low sex drive, but we are wondering if it is just surpressed.So where my promises of never doing this again felt fairly empty, at least she had the choice of believing I could choose..... now she fears I actually have no choice. .... I am beside myself with guilt and i cannot believe I have devastated the one person I love and respect most in the world. I am answering every question she has, but it kills me to see each answer tear her up inside. I am 2 separate people, the one that loves his wife and would do everything/anything for her and then there is this other poisonous character that I don't know and don't understand.... it occupies only 5% of my soul, but now owns 100% of my life.

I have committed to my BS that I will do whatever it takes to make this right, whether that results in us together or apart. I accept every single one of her emotions and am trying to offer support, answers and understanding whenever she needs it. We are so early on in the process and the mountain looks too big for her to climb; she is an amazing woman, but still, how much can you ask of one person. The worry for me now is that she says she 'fears' me because of this SA possibility. She worries what else I am capable of. I have made an absolute promise that I will never do anything like this again, and I mean it with every inch of my heart mind body and soul; I am devoted to her healing. But how can I expect her to believe that after all I have done. Her response is completely understandable. The one glimmer of hope I have is that she has committed to counseling this week.

I love her with all my heart and cannot believe what I have done. I want nothing more than to remove the pain and have my family back.... but I know that is not possible, not for a long time, if ever.

Is there any hope for us if I am in fact a SA? I'm scared of what that means, and so is she.....

Deeply Scared posted 11/5/2013 07:26 AM


I don't think you should be focusing on whether your a SA or not. Furthermore, unless you've been diagnosed by a professional in that field, then you are perhaps looking for an excuse on why you have cheated numerous times in the past. It just feels that way reading your post, so if I'm wrong, I apologize.

There is always hope But that hope comes attached with extremely hard work, honesty, patience, boundaries and self-awareness...all on your part.

Are you up for that? Are you willing to put your needs aside to help your wife heal properly? I have no doubt you love your wife...just make sure your actions are matched up with your words.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/5/2013 07:36 AM

First, Welcome to SI!
This is an awesome place. You may want to send your wife here for support as well. My BS and I are both on here and it has been a lifesaver.

Check out the Healing Library, Top left corner of the page.

Is there any hope for us if I am in fact a SA? I'm scared of what that means, and so is she...

Yes. Yes there is.
I am an addict, and I count it as a blessing.
I'm in recovery, I work the 12 steps, I have a sponsor.
It has helped me tremendously.
It has changed my life.
It's not easy, I'll say that. But there is hope. A lot of hope.

Get in IC. Your IC can help you figure out if you're a SA.
Be open and honest.
Keep posting.

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