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Successful R without counseling

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heme posted 11/5/2013 06:36 AM

Anyone successfully R without IC or MC? Counseling and I don't mix well. Ive BTDT with other issues and being with another person trying to talk about those issues made me freeze up. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable allowing someone else to know whats going on in my head. I'm much better at expressing myself and opening up when its just people I'm close to..

RipsInMyChest posted 11/5/2013 07:05 AM

We are not fully R but are moving forward and the struggles we have are normal struggles. I have seen a IC a few times but WH is very shy and would never open up with a MC or an IC. So far communication has been good and I haven't felt like we needed a "middle man". This only works if anger is controlled and there is a total commitment by both people to honesty and vulnerability. This is really scary for me but I do's the only way through this mess. I feel my husband is more okay than I am (of course as the WS). I still have a lot of anger and insecurity I'm working on. but I'm being honest about it....and we both are digging deep into FOO issues to uncover how these things effect our communication, coping skills, self-esteem. You both have to be willing to peel back the layers and get real with yourselves and each other. It can be done if both are working hard.

painfulpast posted 11/5/2013 07:10 AM

Yes. Well, I have gone to IC, but that's it. No MC, and WS did no counseling.

My IC was not long. It helped, but I only went a couple of months. DDay was nearly 3 years ago. The A ended over 3 years ago.

We spent last night watching boardwalk empire snuggling under a blanket, giggling like kids. No A talk, no A thoughts, nothing. We are very happy.

I did a lot of work, and he really changed, a lot. He is like that - he sees something he wants to change, and bam - changed! Me? ha!

So he changed, a lot. An extreme amount. He is a different person really. More open, more loving, happy to be here, married. He had built up 'resentment' to it all because he felt life was passing him by. It was a midlife crisis. He changed completely. I did what most BSs do - learned everything abut affairs, WSs, BSs, the works.

So yes, you can do it, but the two people have to really want it, and they have to do the work required for change and learning about themselves. There is no substitute for that.

Bobbi_sue posted 11/5/2013 07:27 AM

I went to an IC for a brief period of time mostly because I wanted some one neutral who didn't know him, to confide in. If she wanted to spend hours hashing over my childhood or telling me how to think and what to do and how to "process" things I would have never gone back. I did not go for advice, I went for a listening ear, I guess.

My H said he would do MC if I wanted him to. I tried to set that up and they took "intake information" over the phone and said they would call us back with a hopeful match. That took two months! By that time we were well on our way, communicating better than we had ever done in the first 10 years of our M.

My H was very motivated to become a better person, and an H who deserved to have me for his wife. He truly changed in ways I never expected, and did it without counseling. It has also been consistent and lasting (about 7 years now since the A).

My interactions with most counselors prior to the A were far less than impressive. Some of them may be okay, but for the most part they are just people with opinions, not much different than members here even though they have a degree or license that is supposed to make their opinions a bit more important. Some counselors do more harm than good.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 7:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

ReunitePangea posted 11/5/2013 07:38 AM

My WW & have not done any counseling, either IC or MC. We are a year out and successfully working on R. I am starting now to consider a MC because I think we are too the point that it would be helpful.

I read many stories on SI and I am of the opinion that too many people jump into MC way too quickly and sometimes you can see poor results because of that. Remember the a MC is looking to form a bridge with each of your different viewpoints.

Early after DDay I was not willing to compromise - I also felt I was strong enough to clearly state my message and didn't need any assistance in that. Having a MC early from my perspective was just inserting another person in the M decisions that may or may not take my side of things. I was not going to give up control on some issues that would be dealbreakers for me going forward.

Now that I am a year out - I would be much more willing to compromise on things. If you do MC early, you better be sure that the MC will be willing to see the important things that you are not willing to compromise on if you go that route. How do you know that the MC won't want to look at WS blame shifting excuses and spend too much time focusing on that? If you need counseling early, I think an IC is very good way to go, save the MC until you are ready.

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