"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Camalus posted 11/5/2013 08:35 AM

A few weeks ago, the OM called me.. he’d heard through mutual ‘friends’ that I was calling around and asking questions. While his call was not strictly a threat, it came off sounding as such. You can read the original post at: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507783&HL=40199

I contacted my attorney about the call and was told there was nothing I could do unless he called back and I recorded it. Not the answer I was looking for but that was the answer.

Needless to say, his call really pinged my radar. The more I thought about it the more pissed off I got. It is not in my nature to leave something like this alone and ‘let it ride’ which is what my attorney advised. So I hired a PI firm in Atlanta to do a comprehensive background check on PhD POS.

Yup, it cost a few thousand and took almost a month but was well worth it.

The guy is a serial dulterer. The PI firm referred to him as a predator in the report. He appears to target middle aged married women that are working on a PhD by befriending them and becoming their mentor through the doctorial process.

The PI found three affairs since 2004 (that is as far back as they went). He is currently involved with a 49 year old married woman.

I’ve got pictures of them meeting for drinks, having romantic dinners, and making out in a parking lot. I have names and addresses of the other AP’s as well as the current one.

I’ve decided on a scorched earth policy. I am couriering notarized copies of the PI’s report to his dean, each member of the board of regents, and the college paper. I would really like him to lose his job but I doubt that will happen. I am also sending, again by courier, copies to his wife and his current target as well as her poor clueless husband. Everything will be delivered Friday. Yup, I’m really stirring the shitpot on this one.

The only thing I am still trying to decide is if I should send copies to the previous AP’s I know about.

I figure I’ll get a lot of flack in IC and MC about this, and probably better put on my armor before I read the posting/responses here on SI. But damnit, he started it. Now I’m going to finish it.

OldCow18 posted 11/5/2013 08:38 AM

Wow, what a fantasy come true. My only concern is that he'd come after you, will it be obvious that you were the one to do all this?

Camalus posted 11/5/2013 08:50 AM

It is possible he could connect it to me. But I think the 800+ miles between us and the fact he is a little afraid of me will keep him away.

I think he may be busy playing CYA for a few weeks.

Brandon808 posted 11/5/2013 08:52 AM

Kudos to you. You took a stand and you didn't let him provoke you into doing anything self-destructive (i.e. illegal).

If you catch flack in IC or MC (especially MC) then I would change IC/MC. OM called to try to intimidate you. Guess that didn't work out so well for him You responded to his veiled threats with the truth, the facts.

p.s. Have a recorder on your phone ready because he may call again. If he does then you definitely want a record of it.

StrongerOne posted 11/5/2013 08:56 AM

No 2X4s from me, brother. What's money for if not to make the world a better place?

Is he a professor? Is he targeting women in his department? That's a possible sexual harassment case right there. Hope he doesn't have tenure -- it would be easier for him to lose his job. Has to be pretty egregious to get a tenured prof canned.

MoreWould posted 11/5/2013 08:58 AM

My WW's A was over 30 years ago, but I found out recently via a "deathbed confession" that he had been a voracious sexual predator that targeted married women, and got very "good" at it.

Doesn't let my WW off the hook, she fully admits to her role in it. She was shocked by the revelation, had thought she was having a "real affair" whatever that's supposed to mean.

I wish I'd known at the time, would have blown up his life and possibly saved a vast amount of heartache in the marriages he blew up after he fucked with ours.

And yes, I would contact the other APs and their BS if you can. Scorched earth!

openedupmyeyes posted 11/5/2013 09:01 AM

I did something similar. No I do not regret my actions. I wish I went up to the station and left a zipdrive with their emails in the ladies room marked payday. I emailed her supervisor (an acquaintance) thanking him for not holding it against her for going above and beyond trying to help my husband. Including giving him a heads up when his supervisor was trying to fire him. That she was a stand up friend who was willing to break a few rules for a friend. To please try to protect her if it comes out that she read emails between hr & husband's supervisor. I also sent copies of their emails to everyone in their circle of email friends. Then on to the board of directors. I knew they didn't care. But... I was dropping bombs. Her grown daughter? You bet I did. I cc'd the emails to her. I wanted her to know what I was doing. Except for the email to her supervisor. I waited to see what would happen. Within 6 months she was training a new person p/t. 6-9 months later. She no longer works there. Sooo
I hope I helped her. The only folks who know how much is you guys. I can't cop to it IRL. I told her the last time I spoke to her. That I would look for every opportunity to help her whenever I could. Until I tired of it.

7yrsflushed posted 11/5/2013 09:06 AM

No 2X4's at all in fact great job man! The OM brought this on himself so sleep well. Everything you sent is true. He likely will get fired because schools don't really like dealing with EEO and sexual harassment cases.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:07 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Tred posted 11/5/2013 09:14 AM

No 2x4's here either. Sounds like his actions have consequences. Go figure.

Rebreather posted 11/5/2013 09:40 AM

High five.

doggiediva posted 11/5/2013 09:52 AM

Definitely a high five!

Camalus posted 11/5/2013 10:05 AM

He is currently teaching and acts as an advisor and mentor for Doctoral candidates working on a PhD in Sociology. What a worthless human being. I doubt they will fire him, but I think I can make his life very uncomfortable for a while. I do not think of this as revenge...this is preventave action.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 11/5/2013 10:28 AM

Woot, woot!!!!!!!

Consequences, baby, consequences.

You are on fire, dude, and you know what happens when you fuck with fire? You get BURNED!!!!!!

sinsof thefather posted 11/5/2013 10:30 AM

The PI firm referred to him as a predator in the report. He appears to target middle aged married women that are working on a PhD by befriending them and becoming their mentor through the doctorial process.

Wow. Everyone has to own their own actions in an affair - including any women who have engaged in an affair with him. No one forced them into it. But this is absolutely an abuse of his position as mentor if he is regularly on the prowl and sniffing around his students for weak boundaries. Urgh. Makes my flesh crawl to think of it.

Lovedyoumore posted 11/5/2013 10:39 AM

You are doing the right thing. Predatory people get away with their crap because they use intimidation to bully people into silence. They have honed their craft very finely over the years and will not stop until their veil is lifted. Until you have been the victim of a predator it is difficult to see how a grown adult can fall into their trap. The most difficult to believe is the female predator who traps a grown man into an A. These predatory lovers use the same steps to get close, find their vulnerability and use it to get them into a sexual relationship.

My H's IC, he needed one to sort out what happened, told him the AP used the death of his mother and his job frustration to get going. How risky should be talking to an aquaintance about your mother's death and your job dissatisfaction be? Very risky if it is a sexual predator looking for something to use. She made him think she cared, then she moved into make him think they were soulmates destined to be together. I would bet your spouse got set up in a very similar way. While they are free to jump out at any time, the wounds in my spouse made him ripe for an A. The sexual predator can see a partner like a lion can spot a limp. I hold my H totally responsible for his actions, and boundaries have been set, but you cannot overlook the pattern of abuse by trusted people, a minister in my H's case and a scholar mentor in your spouse's case.

Will you stop this predator? Probably not. But, you will make his life difficult for a while. Good for you. You are my hero.

confused615 posted 11/5/2013 10:43 AM

High five!

SisterMilkshake posted 11/5/2013 10:56 AM

T/J

told him the AP used the death of his mother and his job frustration to get going. How risky should be talking to an aquaintance about your mother's death and your job dissatisfaction be? Very risky if it is a sexual predator looking for something to use.

OMGosh! Lovedyoumore, this sounds like the AP in our scenario. Except it was his father's death, job, and my cancer diagnosis. My FWH doesn't believe it was predatory, though, he takes full responsibility and feels he pursued as much as it did. Which makes me angry because he can't even see/admit that he was manipulated by some stupid ass c you next tuesday cumdumpster. AP is very stupid, but cunning and devious. End T/J

Vulcanized posted 11/5/2013 11:32 AM

Standing ovation!!!!

markyall posted 11/5/2013 12:05 PM

you sir, ROCK
well played

painfulpast posted 11/5/2013 12:13 PM

Oh, this is GREAT!!!