Me BS, 41
I have no idea what to do right now
I'm not quite 8 weeks from dday. FWH has done everything right since. He is the perfect remorseful spouse once TT ended - there wasn't much and it lasted about a week. NC with OW and she approached him at the weekend and he ran away. She is clearly expecting him to return although the fog has lifted for him and he absolutely doesn't want to. When I'm with him the sincerity is clear. He is not getting frustrated with me. He is caring for me. He is doing much more for the children and around the house to give me a break after work. He is being unfailingly kind. He accepts my anger.
One week post dday he hit rock bottom and has finally accepted he has bipolar. His denial and anger with me because I was the reason he was ill not his brain chemistry caused a chasm between us for most of the last seven years. The A was a symptom of his brokenness.
We are spending a lot of time together (HB tastic) and he is trying to work on his relationships with our older children (who are 12 and 15) and have also suffered from his withdrawal
He's attending a psychiatrist, taking his meds, working on all other lifestyle factors to address his illness.
In short he is not the man he has been for years. He is however the man who has broken me. He affaired so far down I feel utter shame that I could be with someone who would go from her bed to mine. I know that's just another cliche but it hurts.
I'm broken hearted and sickened and anxious. I'm doing IC regarding my own FOO stuff because my childhood lesson was I don't count. I have been so codependent out of fear he would kill himself. I find it hard to not minimise my devastation because he is emotionally and mentally vulnerable but I'm trying not to. I am not a patient person. I want to be better already. I'm not. I know it will take a very long time. I can't bear to think that I might never get past this as I'm generally an optimist and a survivor. I don't even want to think that this could be a deal breaker. I want theoretically to forgive him. But the very word forgiveness makes me wince.
He has arranged a first appointment for MC for us next week. This is huge as for years he did nothing but complain about my failings but never help me.
I think we need MC now. I think the immediate disbelief has faded and I am so angry.
How dare he do this to me?
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."