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Newest Member: Schattenfell (61077)

User Topic: What to do
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea what to do right now
I'm not quite 8 weeks from dday. FWH has done everything right since. He is the perfect remorseful spouse once TT ended - there wasn't much and it lasted about a week. NC with OW and she approached him at the weekend and he ran away. She is clearly expecting him to return although the fog has lifted for him and he absolutely doesn't want to. When I'm with him the sincerity is clear. He is not getting frustrated with me. He is caring for me. He is doing much more for the children and around the house to give me a break after work. He is being unfailingly kind. He accepts my anger.
One week post dday he hit rock bottom and has finally accepted he has bipolar. His denial and anger with me because I was the reason he was ill not his brain chemistry caused a chasm between us for most of the last seven years. The A was a symptom of his brokenness.
We are spending a lot of time together (HB tastic) and he is trying to work on his relationships with our older children (who are 12 and 15) and have also suffered from his withdrawal
He's attending a psychiatrist, taking his meds, working on all other lifestyle factors to address his illness.
In short he is not the man he has been for years. He is however the man who has broken me. He affaired so far down I feel utter shame that I could be with someone who would go from her bed to mine. I know that's just another cliche but it hurts.
I'm broken hearted and sickened and anxious. I'm doing IC regarding my own FOO stuff because my childhood lesson was I don't count. I have been so codependent out of fear he would kill himself. I find it hard to not minimise my devastation because he is emotionally and mentally vulnerable but I'm trying not to. I am not a patient person. I want to be better already. I'm not. I know it will take a very long time. I can't bear to think that I might never get past this as I'm generally an optimist and a survivor. I don't even want to think that this could be a deal breaker. I want theoretically to forgive him. But the very word forgiveness makes me wince.

He has arranged a first appointment for MC for us next week. This is huge as for years he did nothing but complain about my failings but never help me.

I think we need MC now. I think the immediate disbelief has faded and I am so angry.

How dare he do this to me?

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 37476
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to go through the anger. It sucks but if you try to skip it, suppress it, etc. it will eat away at you. I know I hated hearing time is what will help but it truly does help. You will have very angry, happy, content, numb moments. All of it is normal. It doesn't matter how good a WH is being, you have been wronged. It is normal to feel angry.

Because our emotions as BS are all over the place, I took the advice given here to make no major decisions for at least a year. I am almost to a year. It can and will get better if you and WH are doing the work. Hell mine wasn't really doing the work for the first 6months and even now I can't say he is the model WH. But I see progress and as long as that keeps happening, I can hang in there. Fixing things is not fast.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am sorry you are having such a rough time of it. This is normal, even with consistent actions on the part of the WS.

Have you read "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring? That is a book that I would highly recommend. Dr. Spring really changed my perspective on forgiveness, and she has a pretty clear outline of the different types of forgiveness, the path to it, and the fact that you don't have to forgive in order to heal.

What are you currently doing for yourself? Are there some healthy activities that you enjoy (I'm going to go out on a limb and guess running)? Be gentle on yourself, and make sure you have that "you" time, in order to recharge and recoup.

Sending you strength.

Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry to say that I think you are very normal. Your processing is healthy and functioning. Keep working on that codependency. You will get through this. The pain will lessen. Yes, it will take some time. More than I think any of us want to accept. But there is happiness on the other side. I promise.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8012 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just a few months further out than you, and can relate with what you say. I want to be better already, as well. I am the type of person that wanted to resolve conflict before bedtime, and now I have a situation that will take years to heal from. I am not constitutionally cut out for this!!

But, it is a good reminder to live in the now. I tell my H I am going to be a bodhisattva by the time this is over. I do yoga, which helps. (Not the gentle flowy kind, the hot, sweaty, hard kind.)

My H is similarly remorseful, and doing everything he can to help. And yet, he is the same man that metaphorically set our house on fire -- for his own gratification/needs. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I do think it gets better with time.

He is helping to rebuild the house, board by board. It hurts, and it is hard work, but I am hopeful.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:56 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(And losforwords - yes, how did you guess I'm a bit of a runner?)

Another morning. Lots of stuff to deal with. I'm exhausted with it all. This R lark isn't for the faint hearted. Need some nice time together. After yesterday's anger and bile from me. We are both feeling quite wounded. I'm not going to be able to avoid anger and nor would I want to really but I can't live every day like that. Hope I get some calm today

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Topic Posts: 6

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