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Is this really the right choice?

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TornN2 posted 11/5/2013 11:54 AM

I am absolutely torn with if this is the right choice…. Quick Synopsis of this is basically we have been together for 4 years… He cheated on me once in the beginning of the relationship with his ex girl friend ( which I somewhat understood as wrong as it was since I influenced him to find closure, since the breakup was fresh and there were some unspoken dynamics) then last year (2012) he cheated on me for about 4-5 months with a different girl they were basically in a full blown relationship(unprotected sex, oral sex). He made new friends that only knew her and knew nothing of me, she’s also the one who really told me everything and it was heart breaking , replaying the day in my head is like replaying a funeral that’s really how much it hurts. After I found out things “ended”. Come to find out they were still communicating ( another stab to the heart) especially because our relationship wasn’t where it needed to be. And a year later( this summer) he decided that they needed to be friends he invited her over the house and I am not aware nor do I believe that nothing happened….It really was a slap and spit in my face that we are still going thru so much trying to reconcile in this relationship and he believes clearing the air and having a friendship with this female is important! I was and am super disgusted. The crazy part about it all is that I found out all of this again in the same month I found out about the affair the last time! Minus the insecurities this has caused me and the feeling like I’m loosing my mind I just don’t know if after all of this if it is worth it? I get moody when it comes to the situation it still seems fresh to me. I still cry I still get sad. When I found out last month that they were still communicating I had him call her in front of me to once again end it…I don’t know if it worked but I somewhat felt good to be in control of the situation or at least believe I was in control for at least a split second. We signed a contract and though he is still somewhat not sensitive about the situation he seems to be getting better and seems to want to work things out. But I can’t help but to think its going to happen again. I drive myself crazy searching his stuff (phone bill, texts, emails, social networks) I’m just so confused and soo hurt still..  my tears are really endless in this situation. Last month I also found out that he was having some type of relationship( not sure the extent) with another girl i found this out because of the late night texts, after I confronted the situation the girl then sent him pictures of broken hearts and all kinds of stuff. Again all this while we are still not on the best of terms.These in my eyes are all backwards steps...He then tells me its cause of me and how he doesn't trust me!! HE doesn't want to end up hurt...YET I have endured all this messed up crap! We don’t have any biological children together but he is the only father (other than my father and borthers) that she knows. She’s 5 and he’s been in her life since she was 1 1/2 . She loves his dearly , and so do I but a large part of me feels like in order for me to be able to move on from this horrible situation I need to get rid of all things that allow me to think and be so negative and to even think about this other women. I have nightmares about her and him and what happened. I can’t help but to think this is going to happen to me again and its going to kill me. But I really do want to reconcile. Is there anyone who see’s hope or maybe away for me to cope and deal with my personal struggles ( getting over the infidelity) while reconciling? Cause I just feel soo lost…..*here I go crying again* I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve done everything a great person would do, I forgive I try to make things work I look for the better……and its just like I get slapped in the face! WTD?

[This message edited by TornN2 at 12:02 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 11/5/2013 13:19 PM


Welcome to the club no one ever plans to join. You will find many wonderful people here who have had similar experiences, they will offer their words of wisdomw, and share their thoughts and concerns.

I suggest you read in the library up on the left side of your page there is a tab. There is a ton of useful information in there to help you find your feet, and figure out how to navigate this shitstorm.

I would also suggest that you copy this post, and place it in the Just Found Out Category. There you will find many others that are new to their situation, and are more for figuring out what to do next.

Now to answer your question, is staying the right choice?
Of course only you can answer that, but it sounds as though your partner has done ZERO to heal from this, has not changed his behaviors in any way shape or form, and certainly does not place your well being at the top of his list. There is not wonder that you are afraid he will do it again, as Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. His past behavior screams of his inablility to be monogomous with you.
He cheated early on, but you accept blame, because he needed closure? Really? How about he behave abhorently, and you allowed it because you wanted to hang on to him.
Then you find out about a second relationship, which led to a 3rd, but with the same person, and now a 4th with the other chicky he was texting, so he has had some level of emotional relationship/incident 4 times in the 4 years you have been together.

There are a few things that we all agree we need for a relationship to heal and be healthy after infidelity.

1. Honesty and Transparency - Is he giving you this? Is he willingly sharing his phone, his computer, and emails with you? Does he willingly account for his time that he is away from you? If not then you can hang your hat that he is not behaving, and is not being honest and transparent.

2. No Contact - He needs to establish, and maintain No Contact (NC) with these other women. He needs to this before you even consider trying to Reconcile (R).

3. The Wayward (WS) has to really do some hard work and look at themselves to figure out why they feel the need to cheat, what is broken in them that causes the desire to have this external validation? If he isn't doing this, then considering R with him is just setting yourself up for more heartbreak and abuse, and yes infidelity is abuse.

Honestly honey, I would say with the given information, and the fact that you are NOT married to this guy (and I am not one to encourage this when I see hope)I would run, run far, run fast, run hard. Get away from this toxic man, and then do some real work on yourself, to figure out why you think it's ok to allow a man to treat you in such a disrespectful manner.

(((((and strength))))

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/5/2013 15:18 PM

^^^^^^^^ I agree with all of that.

Gently- you cannot R alone. It sounds like you are doing all if the work and suffering here. Repeated contact with multiple OWs and a complete disregard for how it makes you feel.

You are taking on too much of this... And I have to ask- for what? Of course you are still crying- how can you get over something that hasn't stopped yet?

Reconciliation is difficult under the absolute best of circumstances. You cannot do it alone.

I agree- stay on the site and keep reading. Find an inner strength and decide what you really want here. Then try to figure out if he wants it too.
Of course everything is going well- he is having his cake and eating it too.
I wish you strength and peace. What I do not wish for you is to be stuck in a relationship with someone that obviuoskybhas no boundaries or respect for you.

You need to figure out what is best for you. Because it certainly isn't his priority right now. Stop accepting these behaviors- you will never move on if you are the only one that sees issues with this.
I would have snapped with the invite to te house.
under no circumstances would my WH be able to contact his OW to maintain a friendship. Because that is not what it is.
I feel he is playing you. You can't control him- but you can take steps to care for yourself and your child.

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