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Husband confessed he cheated 3 yrs ago.......

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HiswifeHerlife posted 11/5/2013 12:58 PM

My hubby had a 3-4 month affair with a co worker at the beginning of 2011. I found out only because he came to me and confessed. He said it was too heavy in his heart and needed to tell me. He said he would never be fully happy in our marriage keeping such a horrible secret. However he only confessed about 85% of the story. He did tell me all the dirty details and explained where he was mentally at that time. I do take responsibility for not being the greatest communicator with my hubby and dealing with depression so I pushed him away at times. We have progressed positively each year of our marriage but my depression and the pressures of life seemed overwhelming in spurts. Well as I put the timeline of his affair together I realized I was pregnant and working full time at a daycare and also raising a 6 and 7 year old while he was having fun at work. He confessed 4 months ago but I figured out he wasn't completely honest. He gave all the details from beginning to end but lied about her identity. He said she quit when the affair ended and he hasn't seen or talked to her since. The truth is......they work in the same dept and have been since this all went down. He says when he ended ended completely. His reason for hiding her identity is because she is also married and is Lebanese, so in her culture, she can loose her kids and her entire family will disown her. I have talked to her and got her side of the story and everything adds up with his confession. She is very apologetic but admits that she started the affair and was volnurable because her husband mistreats her and my hubby was so nice and sweet. Me and my hubby are healing and he is doing all he can to rebuild my trust but I'm so hurt and torn because I struggle with telling her husband about what happened. She begs me not to but I feel like she deserves to face her consequences like my husband has to face his with me. Any advice????

lieshurt posted 11/5/2013 13:05 PM

She is very apologetic but admits that she started the affair

She wasn't concerned with losing her children or being disowned by her family when she chose to start the affair was she? I'd tell her BH asap and not tell your husband about it ahead of time. Otherwise, he may warn her about what you are going to do.

1devastedmom posted 11/5/2013 19:37 PM

You need to tell her husband. He deserves to know what his wife did. How would you feel if someone didn't tell you. She should've thought about the consequences before screwing around with a married man.

standingonmarble posted 11/5/2013 19:44 PM

I found out after 3 years too and then sent a letter to her BH at his work. I guess all hell broke loose but not my problem. Turns out she was doing another guy too. He never contacted me, but then he had way more on his end to deal with then I did on mine. The letter arrived a day or two before she gave birth to #5. (Thank you Karma!)

AP's will very often throw out the threat of doom and gloom to stop exposure. Most often its not true and ruse to keep their betrayal secret. If they can keep this one secret , what's to say they don't move onto another target?

Can you be sure that you won't cross paths with them at work functions? Can you be sure it totally over with just you watching? Telling him also puts another set of eyes on them.

Still working together is not good. I don't care how long its been. IMO

Gr8Lady posted 11/5/2013 19:45 PM

2011....OW betrayed spouse is entitled to know.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but your hubby protecting HER identity. What about protecting you and your feelings?
You need to come first,
Like said previously, she wasn't worried about loosing her children before.

Wouldn't you want to know? Everyone in the workplace knew.
Tell the BS.

IMHO he needs to worry about you, not saving her ass.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/5/2013 20:25 PM

Tell the bs on the other side. She acted with full knowledge of the consequences. And your husband lying about her and trying to protect her means he isnt fully committed to reconciling. He still thinks of her before you. You need to sit him in front of the marriage counselor, rip his ass, then tell him to find another job, now.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/5/2013 23:40 PM

So sorry for what you are going through.

His reason for hiding her identity is because she is also married and is Lebanese, so in her culture, she can loose her kids and her entire family will disown her.

Normally I would support telling the other BS, but perhaps not in this case. I did some quick research and found the punishment for Lebanese women that commit adultery is far more severe then the punishment for men.

I believe the OW is telling you the truth about losing her children and being disowned. Please do your own research as well and let your compassion guide your decision, not your anger.

ETA: Here is a small excerpt from an article I found online:

Lebanese law is different from public sentiment; adultery is seen as a moral crime, not a legal crime punishable in a court of law. Adultery may lead to divorce, family quarrels, and disagreements, and in a few cases, the murder of the woman in the name of family "honor."

Source: Women's Rights in the Middle East and North Africa: Citizenship and Justice By Freedom House

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:47 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

lloyddobler posted 11/6/2013 01:06 AM

Most of the advice on here about whether to tell the OBS leans toward telling, and for a variety of good and sound reasons: telling will shed light on the affair, you'd want the OBS to tell you if the shoes were on the other feet, health and safety issues, etc. But almost all of the advice on these forums also assumes a more or less Western European perspective on marriage rights and responsibilities. The fact is that there are many cultures in which marriages are arranged, many others in which attitudes about spousal responsibilities hold men and women to very different standards, and so on.

Lebanon is a diverse country with a variety of different ethnic and religious subcultures (for instance, the Lebanese in my own family are mostly a-religious, and that part of the family assimilated to US culture decades ago.... these days being Lebanese for most of us pretty much just means that we really, really like Lebanese food and have strong opinions about how much lemon juice is ideal in our hummus), so "Lebanese" doesn't really provide enough information to know the particulars of the AP's situation and what kinds of risk exposing the affair might pose to her. But it is certainly possible that the risks to her might indeed be quite great, and if both your husband and the AP say they might be dire, it could certainly be true even if their motivation in revealing that truth might not be 100% unblemished.

So, in short, the particulars of the situation may merit a different approach than is usually advocated on this forum.

That being said, it is of course true that your WH has to demonstrate to you that he cares about you and your well-being first and foremost. Even if YOU decide that it MIGHT pose an unacceptable risk to the AP to expose the affair to the OBS, it's ultimately your call to make, not your husband's. It's unfortunate that he wasn't 100% honest when he decided it was time to be honest and confess to the affair. He'll have to SHOW that he can act in ways that are consistent with what he promised he was interested in doing when he started confessing.

painfulpast posted 11/6/2013 05:04 AM

They worked together 3 years ago, and still do. I'm not certain where in the world you are located, but I don't think it's Lebanon because you said "she is Lebanese and in their culture", and to me that sounds like it's foreign to you.

If that is correct and they do not live in Lebanon, then the laws of Lebanon are not relevant, at all. She cheated, and her BS deserved to know. There is no way their coworkers didn't know, and that means every time you went to his office, or to work functions, everyone knew. I'm sure that upsets you. He is still dealing with it and not knowing. Also, how would you feel if he had discovered it, and your H somehow convinced him not to tell you, or what if he just didn't tell you. I doubt you'd be really if you did eventually discover all the details, including that OBS knew and couldn't be bothered to tell you.

If you are really considering not telling, I would tell her she has 21 days - 3 weeks - to leave the company and that she is NEVER to speak to you or your H ever again. If she does not quit, then I would tell. If she ever contacts you again, I would tell. Otherwise you are the only person that is watching for another affair. I wouldn't want that for me, and I doubt anyone would.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's not something anyone wants.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/6/2013 10:37 AM

If that is correct and they do not live in Lebanon, then the laws of Lebanon are not relevant, at all.

These are moral laws, not criminal laws. So even if the OW is not living in Lebanon, then it will still impact how she is treated by friends and family.

Since the OW is familiar with these moral laws and the very severe consequences, I can only wonder if she acted out of desperation. The WH must have truly been selfish to help put the OW in this position. It saddens me to see the number of men that behave less than honorable.

My heart goes out to HiswifeHerlife. This is such a difficult position to be in. She is showing amazing strength by taking everything into consideration before making a decision.

painfulpast posted 11/6/2013 10:45 AM

The WH must have truly been selfish to help put the OW in this position. It saddens me to see the number of men that behave less than honorable.

Respectfully, WHAT????

She is responsible for herself. She wasnít raped or tricked. She admits SHE started the affair. How on earth are you placing more blame on him than on her? They both cheated. WH is not responsible for OP, at all. She knew the risks when she pursued a married man.

I think itís completely unfair to make comments about men when the woman pursued this illicit relationship.

overandone posted 11/6/2013 11:09 AM

Bear in mind that,even if she is Lebanese, the fact that she is allowed to work in a place unchaperoned with male colleagues would indicate she does not come from a particularly traditional Lebanese background.

And how many times have we heard the "my husband mistreats me" line? If you screw around in the west with someone else's husband, then you should expect the same treatment as anyone else in the west, ie your husband gets to know about it.

As GR8Lady said, she was prepared to take the risk, if that's what it was, of losing her children the minute she and your fWH crossed the line.

painfulpast posted 11/6/2013 11:14 AM

She wonít lose her children unless she allows it. She is not in Lebanon, so whatever their moral or civil laws are, they arenít where she is now. You donít lose your children due to infidelity.

WH here is claiming things that simply wonít happen. If Iím wrong, please enlighten me, but exactly how is she going to lose her children?

Again, Iíd tell her she either quits the job and company (no transfer) immediately, with no more than 3 weeks notice, or Iím outing her. Sheís been hanging around my H for 3 years and heís been protecting her for that entire time. Enough. She needs to go, now.

If she wonít quit then I tell the BH. Iím betting heíll have her quit straight away.

I have zero pity for an OW, or any WS that is hiding. She is both. Too fín bad for her.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/6/2013 11:18 AM

painfulpast, I wasn't trying to say who is more to blame or to place blame on one individual. It's a terrible situation for all around. I also think the children need to be taken into consideration as well. If it means forever losing their Mother and/or the connection to their extended family, then they are a victim as well and their needs must be considered.

I think itís completely unfair to make comments about men when the woman pursued this illicit relationship.

Here is where I disagree. I don't care how hard the OW threw herself at the WH. The WH should have done the honorable thing and said NO. That's what I would do if another woman were pursuing me.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:24 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

dameia posted 11/6/2013 11:21 AM

The WH must have truly been selfish to help put the OW in this position.

I'm gonna have to agree with painfulpast on this one. The OW is 100% responsible for her actions. She admitted she was the aggressor in the relationship. To pin all the blame on HiswifeHerlife's WH is outrageous. OW knew what she was doing, knew what the potential ramifications were, and decided to do it anyway. For her to now claim poor little me is pure manipulation.


I'm sorry that you are here. I also found out about my WH's A's long after they were over. I contacted the last OW and got her side of the story. She also admitted to being the aggressor. I didn't contact her BH because they were already D, because of the A. So I was the only person who didn't know, for 5 years!

Most OW will claim that they will face dire consequences if their BH finds out. Most of them just don't want to face the consequences of their actions. But who knows, maybe this one will have her kids taken away and her family will disown her. It's up to you whether or not to out her to her BH. Ask yourself a few questions:

Would you want to know?
How would you feel if she was disowned/lost her kids?

Things along those lines. Would you feel worse knowing that she was never outed to her BH or would you feel worse if she lost her kids? (which, if they're living in the states probably wouldn't happen, since we go through the court system, and A's don't automatically qualify you as an unfit parent).

Good luck, keep posting and reading.

painfulpast posted 11/6/2013 11:29 AM

I don't care how hard the OW threw herself at the WH. The WH should have done the honorable thing and said NO.

A male is no more or less responsible for entering into an affair than a female is. To think otherwise is sexist and alleviates a significant amount of responsibility of the female involved. Both should do the honorable thing, not just the male.

He should have said no. She should not have pursued. Neither should have engaged in an affair.

This woman behaved in a very dishonorable manner, and her BH has a right to know that. She, like every WS, knew the risks. If she wants to sleep around, she should be treated like a married woman that sleeps around.

HiswifeHerlife posted 11/6/2013 13:09 PM

I appreciate everyone's input and advice. My WH wasn't aware of all the consequences OW faced until he told her that he confessed everything to me. That's when the tears and the story came that she lose her kids. Not sure if this plays a part in her urgency for me to not tell but her husband provides a good life for her and the only reason she works is for the health insurance. I think she is afraid to lose her good life. Believe it or not, I actually sat face to face with her and talked about everything. Her reason why she had an A is because her H doesn't show her attention or affection and she fell in love with my husband from a distance as she watched how much he talked about me and our kids. My husband is wrong for his part in the A but after many talks I understand where he was mentally and emotionall and I understand that my communication with him was not that good. I don't excuse him but we got married young, at 23 and 24 and had our first baby a month before we married and our 2nd baby exactly 1 year and a week later. We never really allowed ourselves the time needed to enjoy eachother as a couple. Adulthood and motherhood took me by surprise. I wasn't prepared for life and unfortunetly didn't have guidence from my parents as they are a bit disfunctional. So needless to say, we had to live and learn and it took a toll on our relationship. I commend him on telling me and giving me EVERY DETAIL I asked for. I'm not any more mad at her than I am at him. I just feel that she needs to face her consequences as my WH has. BTW, my husband is not the first for her. He is the second.....but he is the only 1 that had sex with her so she says. When the A happened, I was preg with our 3rd child and yes I was a bit mean and I understand he was frustrated and thinking here we go again. He has always been a good man and I did take him for granted at times. I don't excuse him but I do understand where I pushed him mentally however I also understand he had other choices. She just made it so easy for him and I'm upset at the fact that she smelled his vulnerability and jumped on it. I will admit......she is very pretty. She admitted from the moment she seen him, that she made every effort to be around him and that's how they became friends and then the talks came and her boo hoo stories came and they ended sharing their frustrations and that's when she offered to be a comfort to him.

HiswifeHerlife posted 11/6/2013 13:22 PM

She knew what she was risking so I don't feel bad for her in any way. She went out of her way and purchased the condom they used. My hubby said the fact that there was no protection the few times they made out, made it easy to not have sex with her. He said it was just the fact that someone was giving him attention when I wasn't that satisfied him at that time. When she told him that she purchased the condoms, is when they went into a training room at their place of employment and had sex. They both admit it happened just once but made out several times at the bathroom or in a closet......GROSS! She says she never meant to hurt me but bought the condoms??? She said if she would have known he would tell me, she would have never done it.

HiswifeHerlife posted 11/6/2013 13:27 PM

She begs me not to tell. My WH has agreed to me telling and has apologized for protecting her. He says he just felt bad for her kids. We are working things out and he has a job lined up so I think I'll make my trip to her house on the weekend she works. They live 5 minutes from me and I have txt msgs from her admitting to everything and begging me to keep quiet so he will know I'm telling the truth.

dameia posted 11/6/2013 19:30 PM

Good for you! I think it's great that you decided to stand up for yourself. Especially considering that this is not her first A.

Her BH deserves to know what is going on, as it sounds like it's an ongoing thing. Let us know how it goes!

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