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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: What to do now? Should I try to talk to him?
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
So I have been plugging along here for 3 months since Dday. Still trying to process this blindsiding and reconcile that my once loving H was actually a cowardly, deranged, deceitful lier with a dark side. And, dealing with the logistics of the Divorce- handling this as best I can.

Some days good, some days not so good. One of my BFFs came to see me with her kids from Europe last week, it was so great to see her and have her here- the support, the companionship, the laughter, it felt great.

I have been NC, except for the kids stuff, and even that I keep to absolute minimum as we agreed to a plan at beginning of month and I said I don't want to talk again until Dec.

We don't speak at all, and that shifty bastard can't even look me in the eyes. I saw him at DDs BBall game and I didn't look at him or talk to him, he sat near me, as my other DD wanted to sit on his lap…then after two minutes he slinked away to the other side of the court and then high tailed it out of there after the game so as to not have to see me or my friends.

Now today, I get a note from my lawyer saying that his lawyer filed a motion to request a first hearing, basically to speed things up. WTF. At that hearing, apparently you discuss what you want for settlement, parenting plan, etc and you see how far off you are and a trial gets set for some future date 3-6 months down the road.

This F**Ker told me he didn't even want lawyers and wanted mediation. Told me we could take it at a pace that is comfortable for all, given I was blindsided by all this. We have not had ONE discussion about settlement, and a few interim parenting plan discussions with divorce therapist. But, we have literally not spoken of how this Divorce would shake out EVER.

So, I am debating whether I should call that maggot and ask him why he is trying to speed it up and what it is he wants vs racking up attorney bills and living with the uncertainty.

So I could call him and try to get him to say what he wants, try to have a real conversation with him (hard as he is delusional lier.) There is an option to delay by 60 days. I could do that, would probably piss him off and give me more time to get to a place where I am all cold, icy business vs rage filled bitch. I could keep my mouth shut and let him sweat it out until this hearing, but rack up more attorney bills in the process.

This really blows. Help, what do I do??


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT waste your time talking to him. He is not your friend right now. And, it's probably the reason he couldn't look you in your face, because he knew he was being sneaky.
Make your budget, look at your assets, assess what you and your kids will need.
Then, after all of this, decide what YOU are asking for and take it to your attorney.
Talking to him will only give you drama.
I asked for spousal maintenance. I asked for enough to cover our mortgage. He also must pay half of any maintenance or repairs to the home until it is sold. I retained the home, but if we sell we have to split the debt or profit. I got to keep my name on his life insurance, and he must maintain me as 100% beneficiary until sale of the home, I also get his military Survivor's Benefit Plan until sale of the home (putting on the market in 2017). He had to pay off most of the credit cards, since he racked them up to over $30,000, was only fair. Oh, and we file married but separately.
I don't know if what I needed is what you need, but it is something to think about.
Don't waste precious energy dealing with him now. Again, he is NOT your friend. Forget the man you thought you knew. You have to be strategic, methodical, and cunning.
This is not normally who I am. I was always an open book to my husband, but I followed all of the advice given by SIers who had walked in my shoes previously.
Glad I did!
Best of LUCK.

edited for typos

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:16 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Don't try to talk to him. You're done talking to him. He's done talking to you. You talk to your lawyer and that's it.

My EX and I never talked, either. We let the lawyers talk.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10154 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My x seemed to have a lot of conversations that were only in his head. Then tell me how I had lied and changed the agreement

Go witb the filing. State via your lawyer what you are legally entitled to. Stand firm. There is no point in talking anymore. He sees himself as the victim. Fuck that, save your breath, this is just the start of the war.

((Hugs))


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too tried the "talk it out, take it slow, let's be reasonable" route too. Save your energy. Go hardcore and fast. No more talks. Let your attorney do the talking. As the others say, he is not your friend any more. Very hard, I know. But it must be done.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Dec 2012
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My x seemed to have a lot of conversations that were only in his head.

^^This^^^ XPOS is a pathological liar and can't tell the truth if his life depended on it. He is STILL trying to rewrite our conversations. I knew that, and that is why I got anything of substance in writing (email, text, etc.) because I knew he would suddenly have a different memory of our conversations when we were still being civil (I was only being superficially civil to get him to sign the dissolution agreement, and it made me physically ill to do it).

Think strategically at this point and do what you need to do to get what you need, knowing what you can realistically expect in the settlement based on your state's divorce laws. Avoid talking to him, and if you do record the conversation (check with your state laws for the legality of this). It is better to simply go thru your attorneys at this point since he has turned the tables on your already.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess that is unaminous! I won't even bother to try and talk to him. He has already proven time and time again that he is a lying sack of shit who cares only about himself. Even if I was only pretending to be nice, it would still be a waste of time because he is lier.

I am going to have to play chicken with him this month to see if he puts money in the joint account to pay the household bills, because I surely am not going to ask him to do it and let him think he is in control. I will let the auto payments bounce, f**k it.

Yes, strategic, methodical and cunning...that is how I need to be. I know I can do this, but hard to force every ounce of my being from the other extreme of rage filled, furious, vindictive. Now if my lawyer would just call me back that would be nice.....apparently this not talking is very expensive :>


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did not try to speak with him. I just told my lawyer to request concilliation services. That means after they schedule concilliation services, and I don't even have to show up, it starts the clock back up again for getting a preliminary hearing.

If you try and push the gas, I will push the brake. F**K you.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome. I was going to suggest the 'delay 60 days' option, but it looks like you've already done it. At this point, you don't need to know "what he wants", you need to decide "what you want". Once you have decided what you want and feel up to being "all about the business arrangements", you need to go for it.

My STBXH and I are 'playing nice' so far, but already the cracks are showing. I have sent my lawyer a list of what I want for a parenting agreement and a financial settlement. Hopefully we can push it through quickly, before the gloves come off...


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2101 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you try and push the gas, I will push the brake. F**K you.

Yeah Sleepless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2821 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 10

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