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A week or so prior to Devistatoin Day or Discovery Day, I started havnig nightmares and feeling a low grade melancholy mood. On the day itself, same thing. Now that it is passed, I am feeling more angry and depressed. My spouse wants me to "be done" with it all, and while I get that, it just isn't that easy.

How were others D-Days and the time leading up to and after the day?

Fury.

Tell him to strap it, it will likely get worse before it gets better.

But then you'll get to the Plain of Lethal Flatness, which should scare him more.

There is no "being done" with this.

What is the plane of lethal flatness...Apathy?

Yes, pretty much. Kind of a moniker attached to a stage many go through which includes apathy.

We're less than 2 weeks from it and so far the whole month has been a disaster.

Am afraid of what the actual day will be like.

Had no premonitions of something being wrong or off.

When I got the letter exposing the affair, for some reason I felt a slight sense of smugness (?) or maybe vindication that I wasn't the fucked up one in this marriage as he was always trying to convince me that I was. That was d-day. Next was sadness and anger, but more sadness for months.

Around 5-6 months the rage set in. I was angry, angry, angry.

Finally found SI at 8 months post d-day. Helped with my emotions a lot.

The PA started last October. From then until pretty much dday I was compulsively eating. Something I did in the past but thought I'd resolved. Despite the devastation since dday I'm not comfort eating.
On some level I knew I'd lost him. And I didn't know what to do with my deep anxiety. I am not in a good place now but I recognise it. It's better than that not knowing
Weird
I have a website I post on and found some old posts about how broken we were just before the EA started. I could tell you from what I wrote when he started seeing her secretly because of how he was with me. Haven't yet had the nerve to look at my posts about life from October 2012 because I will see it then too I'm sure. So obvious in hindsight.
What a fool

I went to a new therapist the morning of the first Dday. I said "I just can't be."
things broke loose that night.

2nd dday: I'm going to hire a PI just to spy one more time and if he's clean I'll never spy again. That turned out well...

trusting yourself - oh yeah....

You are not a fool. You were being a loving spouse by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Hindsight is always 20/20.