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WH still thinking about OW

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roarlouder posted 11/5/2013 14:58 PM

We are in a limbo phase- working on it but I am not sure if I want to stay. I know my WH is still thinking about OW a lot. I don't believe there's been contact, but know he misses her and isn't over it. I guess he's fighting against his urges... It was a 5yr's been 2 months- is this normal or a concern?

Allgoodnamesgone posted 11/5/2013 15:12 PM

Hi Roar,

I invite you to check out LTA forum in "I can Relate" - all people there have been dealing with long term affairs.

My WS's affair was 1 1/2 years in addition to whatever emotional inappropriateness occurred prior to the start of the physical relationship.

I know after DDay, my WS missed OW. Given my delicate emotional state, he didn't belabor the point, but I got the feeling he missed her & also feel it is normal for it to take a while for the feelings to dissipate.

My WS did break contact with OW almost immediately. Then he didnt, then he did, etc.

Obviously, our reconciliation didnt work out - so I cant give you any other perspective.

I can tell you here he is, 4 years after DDay, wanting to reconcile with me while still checking out and posting on OW's facebook page telling her she is hot...

Anyhoo - check out LTA.

roarlouder posted 11/5/2013 15:21 PM

Thx. It is hard to know where to post in I can relate because there was a LTA and multiple ONS. I think it will always be a struggle for him, if he's able, to monogamous. He says its not me, just the idea of someone new and different that's appealing. Ugh.

Allgoodnamesgone posted 11/5/2013 15:36 PM

Roar - you post where you like. And you can post throughout the site, of course, I just wasnt sure if you were aware of the LTA forum.

I hope you find some peace somewhere.


roarlouder posted 11/5/2013 15:40 PM

Thx- appreciate the help!

painfulpast posted 11/5/2013 15:43 PM

I couldn't do it. I could not sit there and watch my spouse miss someone else.

You are stronger than me. I hope this stops soon, for your sake.


roarlouder posted 11/5/2013 15:48 PM

I expect an element of it. He isn't vocalizing it to me, but I know him. I think part of it is his bruised ego- that he said it was done and she walked away easily. It's hard... I just wonder how much/how long is normal or when it's a red flag?

NewWorldMan posted 11/5/2013 16:33 PM

WS here. I hope it's ok for me to reply.

I had an LTA for 3 plus years. What your husband is going through is to be expected. That doesn't make it ok, nor does it mean you have to tolerate it. I missed my AP for a long time after D-Day and I even wound up getting "back together" with her. I think you should talk to your husband about this. I haven't read any of your other posts, so forgive me if I'm repeating questions already asked. But is his AP married? If so, does the BS know? Exposing the affair to the AP's BS will help put the kibosh on any fantasies your WH may have about rekindling the affair. My AP's BH never found out and doesn't know about the affair. This allowed the affair to begin again.

I hope I helped answer your question.

roarlouder posted 11/6/2013 07:54 AM

AP is separated, but I still let her husband know. I am not sure he believed me, but I did what I could. I think he's realizing it was all fantasy, and I think it's more the idea, the ego and habits of 5 yrs than actually her. I just want to watch for warming signs I guess.

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