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Newest Member: MisterBC (45704)

User Topic: Entitlement - not just a selfish act, a way of being?
vivere
♀ 34465
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has a motorbike. I've never really liked it and I resent him when he rides it. Seems illogical since it brings him happiness and as a supportive spouse I should be happy to see him happy...right??

Am I jealous that the bike gets loving cleaned and I have to beg for a foot rub once a blue moon? Am I jealous because WH struggles to get out of bed each day to help out but can jump up at 7am to 'go for a ride'? Surely not, it's all so petty.

So I think long and hard about why I am having this reaction to the bike and this is what I come up with.

The bike exemplifies his selfishness.

The bike was purchased (without discussion). We could not afford it. (Actually the business paid for it but the business could not afford it, still can not afford it and other essential things went unpaid for so that the bike could be purchased).

BUT he wanted the bike, he loved the bike, he deserved the bike...and there it is...he feels ENTITLED to have the bike.

I hate that bike and every time I drive into the garage It reminds me of my husbands attitude of entitlement and selfishness. The business still can't afford it. He can't see that he compromised his integrity by buying the bike. He reneged on (financial) agreements he made. He gets defensive when I suggest it should be sold to cover some debt. I know it won't happen.

This entitlement, he doesn't see it. When I mention the word selfish, he doesn't see it. He thinks I'm just saying it to make him feel bad.

I'm thinking that he needs to acknowledge this mindset in all areas of his life to really help implement change. He agrees that the A's were acts of selfishness but I see that as distinct from accepting that he is a selfish person whose decision making is primarily based on outcomes for him. Am I splitting hairs?? Should I just embrace the bike???

ETA: Since DDay he is much better at getting up earlier and helping out. Credit should be given where credit is due

[This message edited by vivere at 4:28 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..your viewpoint is right on!

..he is putting himself first, even ahead of the business finances and therefore, the home finances..

..tell him that if there is money for a bike, then there should be money for him to take you on a nice holiday or a new, untainted set of wedding rings.

..he should be putting YOU first ahead of his thrill rides..

..tell him the bike goes.... or you do!!

..sorry, but your H IS a selfish ass and will continue to be one unless you enforce your boundaries on his one side spending habits.

..wha t's next??? an airplane!!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an amazing connection you just made. And I see the same things in my M. So much more before we started R- but definitely. He was like a child. New snowboard, new motorcycles, trips to the mountain, expensive sunglasses- because he deserved it. He worked soooo hard and shouldn't he just get something?
I will say that he has sold all of his "toys" and didn't make a huge fuss. But it's taken me awhile to get him to understand that he always got "treated". My treats were going to the mall- with the kids mind you, buying things for the kids. I got too the movies- with the kids. He had guys nights and camping trips- I monitored birthday parties and sleepovers. We are still working in him acknowledging this. He's getting better. But I never made the actual connection until your post just now.

I posted a reply in another thread about the "how" for his A. My bottom line is that he did it because he was selfish and felt entitled. I never entered into it- he wasn't hurting me because it wasnt about me- it was about him and what he deserved it all of his "stress".
yes, this has been a pattern our whole M.
It's not petty- IMO you have hit the nail in the head. Isn't it strange how the things we never really thought about before have so much meaning behind them now? This is such a whole new world.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand how you feel.
My WH has his toys bought out of selfish entitlement, without any discussion with me.
His affair was another selfish entitlement. I was going thru counselling for past childhood molestation after 30 years of keeping it secret. Renewed unwanted contact from the abuser sent me spiralling. You see I wasn't initiating sex with him, still had sex with him, just that he had to do all the initiating which made him not feel wanted. So I guess he felt he was untitled to go elsewhere.

My WH also has a bike, vintage car and his dearly beloved sports on TV (any kind of sports) , that gets all of the attention ahead of me. You see he works soooo hard and he is entitled to come home and do what he wants.

((((Vivere))))))

Darn spell check didn't like my sooooo word

[This message edited by deena at 5:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3120 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to be the kind of person who "lump sums." What I mean when I say this is that when my H does something selfish, I suddenly remember ALL the selfish things he has ever done, and lump them together so that a pattern can be seen.

My H does this kind of stuff all the time. needs a new phone everytime apple releases the new one. Meanwhile I've had the same phone for 3 years now and don't get good reception in the house. Watching TV with H this time of year (around the holidays, when video games come out) is like watching TV with my four year old...every other commercial and he's all, "I want that, I'm getting that, I need that." Last month, he finally had enough, our old mattress was hurting his back. He went to the store that day, bought a new plush mattress (I like firm) and is now calling it my christmas present because he wants the new x-box for christmas. We bought a house- he "needed" brand new everything...and is now whining at me about being out of money, look at all he has done for the house, blah blah blah.

I see a pattern, involving H only thinking about HIM.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
vivere
♀ 34465
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smy - the ultimatum of the bike or me?? I won't go there because I'm not prepared to leave over a bike and I think that's what I'd have to do Either that or it would just refuel his reasons to resent me for making him 'give up' his bike. We have now split finances, to a point, so the plane is far less of a risk

wondertwin - OMG don't get me started on sunglasses and watches!! At least he bought them OS on the multiple 'business trips' so he got them duty free

((deena)) I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you needed whilst your WH indulged his needs. I think by definition a wayward has to be selfish to be able to do what they do.

BB - Yep, there's a pattern all right!Sometimes it's not until you sit back and look at the whole picture that everything falls together!


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
vivere
♀ 34465
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why I was thinking about the bike.

My husband and I were discussing why I thought it was a big deal that he did not tell me he was going for a 'ride' yesterday until I had gone to work and then he text me that he was going. He had known the night before. I copied my post above for him to read and this was the response I got...

I must be the worst guy in the world, I got a motorbike. wow how selfish is that, and i ride it about 4 times a year even more selfish. Jesus what a fucking asshole.,


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must be the worst guy in the world, I got a motorbike. wow how selfish is that, and i ride it about 4 times a year even more selfish. Jesus what a fucking asshole.,

It would be tempting to respond "Wow, I am so glad you're finally seeing the truth about yourself, keep going with those thoughts"!

My H also had a motorbike. Didn't consult me either when he purchased it from a guy at work. "It's going to save a lot on gas" he said, trying to convince me on why it was a good purchase. Yeah, it served only him and I know he took skankyho riding on it too. I almost took a hammer to it one day but he wasn't worth it. He willingly sold it after his disgusting A.

Since feelings of "entitlement" are rooted in SELF (EGO), to those who think that way it IS a way of being.

H told me one day the reason he committed adultery was because he "was entitled to" since he "worked"!!!! WTF???? Some of the insanity they say will make your head spin. I said "yeah, I worked too but I guess someone forgot to tell me that entitled me to fuck around on you". That struck him dumb. What an idiot. He never used that "excuse" again!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow how selfish is that, and i ride it about 4 times a year

So let me get this straight...he bought a bike you could not, or rather....the business could not afford, so that he can complain that he can only ride it 4 times a year? Then he launches into a dramatic

Jesus what a fucking asshole

Is he usually this dramatic when he gets called out to own his shit?

The proof is in the pudding, like making poor decisions, that put your family and business finances at risk.

If I were his creditor I'd cut him off based on his decision making skills. Not paying someone you owe, and then buying pleasure seeking items is a major sign of entitlement.

Until he recognizes this on his own, you will continue to live with a resentful teenage man-child.

Is there money for IC....because quite honestly THAT would be an investment.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Who does more? A common belief is that a person having an affair may not be ‘getting enough’ at home. But the reality is that he or she may not be giving enough. Contrary to popular wisdom, people are not as satisfied in relationships where they are ‘overbenefited’ as in relationships where there is more equity. In the most satisfying relationships, giving and receiving are balanced….

It’s easy for the person who is giving less to become involved with another person. Partners who give much less than they receive already have one foot out the door, so it’s not difficult for them to break the loosely held connection to their marriage. The more you invest, the more committed you are and the more attached you feel.” ~“Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, p.236

I'd rather live in an equitable partnership that grow resentful living with an entitled partner.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in many instances, it can be an indication of entitlement thinking in other areas as well including affairs.

Impulse control issues as well.

Like last year, when my WH decided he would break the bank by buying many expensive suits, ties, shirts, shoes, coats, etc. He doesn't dress this way for work. He wears a uniform. So I can understand maybe buying one great suit and a few shirts to have for special occasions...but it became something that put him and me (at that time we were discussing R) in debt. He was using those suits to impress OW turns out, but he felt entitled to the A, and he felt entitled to the suits to enhance the A.

The behavior reaches back years come to think of it. The expensive toys despite the cost. He wanted it, he got it. If I were to discuss new carpeting, something badly needed...forget it.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs Vivere.

As for his comment on only riding it 4 times a year......I had a weird laugh with that. My WH had to get 3 bikes and he too only rides them about 4 times a year. BUT it is necessary for him to have them AND he "deserves" them from all the work he does!!

Maybes our WH's should start an "Entitled Infrequent Riders" bike club.

Plus my WH says his rides are his relax time and he doesn't need to have to take me on rides with him. It is his alone/ guys time away.
Now I have no interest in his bikes and make my own entertainment and relax time. And I have turned down offers for a ride.

It is a sad kind of mindset they can have.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3120 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..so.... i have to wonder if he has worked out the math in how many dollars it is costing per ride?

..cost of bike, interest charges, insurance costs, fuel,oil,etc.. divided by 4 per year!

..those 4 rides work out to be VERY expensive!

..i guess he just likes looking at his shiny bike in the garage.

pretty expensive any way you look at it.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Shocked2believe
♀ 41010
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very curious about this topic when I first saw the title and wanted to say something. I may be completely off the mark here in some cases but when I discovered my WH EA he said something to me that made me think.

I did a lot of research on MLC (Mid-life crises) and seriously it is a serious issue to some people. I realise it doesn't affect everyone but it has a lot to do with entitlement issues, changing image, Affairs etc. If you get an opportunity, Google it and depending on your WS and your particular circumstances this may explain some things. I will not say it's a good enough excuse for any of their SELFISH actions but IMHO the more information I have which provides me more opportunities to make informed decisions the better. Hope this is helpful.
((Vivere))


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
IWantDoOver
39440
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I may ask:

Which came first? The motorcycle(s) ... or the affair(s)?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is happening here, but with a whole house.

I am sorry for it and you are spot on.

Material things should not be put before people but unfortunately sometimes are.

Be careful, if you ask me, how you approach the entitlement with your WH because it could spur on something bigger before you are ready to deal with it, esp. if he is already defensive. That's the entitlement speaking. X has this too.

A friend calls it a "god complex" where it is all about me, myself and I.

It worked for me that I had to adjust myself and realize that he was not going to change this, for he didn't think it was a problem-only I did. It just made fighting when I had the guts to bring it up.

For me it became a "pick your battles" type thing only here it was also computer things or "screen time" as he calls it with DD. He spends more time in front of screens than with people. But just gets mad when it's brought up.

And he spends money as if one dollar is actually three, for some reason thinking that money goes further than it really does.

In my opinion it seems like it would be better if there is ever a way that you could find to think differently about the bike. Believe me, I know how you feel. I used to feel this with the computers. Can you cover it so you don't see it when you drive in? Can you save up some money to buy something or do something for yourself?

It's just a material thing and I worry that the resentment and anger you have will be not good for you the longer you hold it in.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2364 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
losingmyground
♀ 36070
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with all of you.

Every new car has been his...for work. All the while I drive the kids around in a paid for car that breaks down without notice. In fact it is sitting in the driveway as I type because we cannot afford to fix it.

Coaching football comes before all else...because he loves it and its his release. Doesn't matter that we have a two yr old that cannot be unsupervised and no family to babysit. I work nights at a restaurant/bar and my schedule is chaotic due to lack of staffing. Even so far as to complain about dropping me off and picking me up so late because he has to have the car to go to football.

etc.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
betraydtwice
38921
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So funny I was just realizing today what a selfish person H is. Had a bad sleep last night, (up off an on all night). H has bad legs. I tell him that I had such a bad sleep....his reply.."My leg hurts".....WTF. So I told him, funny how you turn everything I say into something about you..

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
vivere
♀ 34465
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts. I have to work now but will respond in more depth this evening.

May you all have a peaceful day


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To
IWantToDoOver

For my WH it was tattoos, motorcycle, affair, motorcycle, (another suspected cheating due to late nights and out all night--for this time he wouldn't admit to anything happening), motorcycle.
I think the affairs stopped 4 years ago when I found out I got an STD. And he finally admitted to a long affair for the first time.
But now he can't keep it up so maybe that is the reason they have stopped.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3120 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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