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brybry75 posted 11/5/2013 17:38 PM

Hi All,

My WW had a 2 yr affair with my xBFF and we are trying to R. Dday was 15 months ago and things are going well...

Except that I am struggling with desire. Our MC told us that there is no way that we can get that early "in love" feeling back - that has to do with chemistry of the first year and a half and we are way passed that.

So here I am left with the thoughts that the last person she will remember feeling that way with is him. Not her husband. Not the person who has stood by her for almost 23 years but him.

I have discussed it with WW and she tells me she loves me but doesn't feel that way about me - when she does it comes in waves. But I know how she felt about him. She spent all day fantasizing, sexting and emailing but can't bring herself to send even one to me. I know she enjoyed the anticipation and flirting before her encounters but does none of that with me...

I suppose my question is to everyone - is there anything that can be done to get that chemistry back? If not how has everyone else dealt with it?

Just thinking about it...it's not about sex. It's about feeling as though she wants me and only me. The way I used to feel...

SorrowBhindSmile posted 11/5/2013 21:25 PM

I too, feel as tho the affair killed something in me...killed that chemistry...that special feeling. i am 10 mos out from DDay and sex is still a struggle for me. I think, in part, because i NEED that special feeling, the chemistry. And i too struggle to regain it.

I have talked in depth with my MC/IC about this. we are still working on it....but i believe this is something that takes time to rebuild. effort and open communication from both sides.

Some things we have done to try and get the chemistry back....

Date nights. specifically new things that we have never done together before...something out of the ordinary, different. It creates an adventurous environment, promotes flirting, a giddy, kid like feeling. just doing crazy, fun things that make you feel young and stupid. Rebuilding a connection thru new activities.....trying to remove some of the hum-drum of everyday life.

we randomly text eachother throughout the day. not sexting, just the "hi, hows your day, whats up" kind of stuff. It lets the other person know we are thinking of them, care about them enough to take a second to say hi. It promotes a feeling of being special, being thought of, being noticed, not forgotten.

small random gestures. sometimes things like gifts, but more so things of a caring nature. He makes me tea every morning. leaves me little love notes. stuff like that. again, instills that feeling of caring, being thought of.

my hope is that, over time, these things we do, along with others, will help rebuild the feelings of love, caring, etc...which will lead to feelings of falling back in love which will help rekindle the feeling of special...the chemistry. For me personally, its those kinds of things...things that show me that i am important, thought of, noticed, loved, needed that fuel the chemistry.

morethantrying posted 11/5/2013 21:35 PM

Stop thinking (not saying this is always EASY but what great thing is?)so much and once in a while just let yourself get LOST in the memory of what it felt like and then LOST in the moment...

remember even without the A, that crazy fuzzy "love" feeling waxes and wanes...that is NORMAL for EVERY couple...

Try it one time...Just look in each other eyes and just be in the moment only and just get lost...I bet you can do it!!!! IMO

[This message edited by morethantrying at 9:36 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]