I too, feel as tho the affair killed something in me...killed that chemistry...that special feeling. i am 10 mos out from DDay and sex is still a struggle for me. I think, in part, because i NEED that special feeling, the chemistry. And i too struggle to regain it.
I have talked in depth with my MC/IC about this. we are still working on it....but i believe this is something that takes time to rebuild. effort and open communication from both sides.
Some things we have done to try and get the chemistry back....
Date nights. specifically new things that we have never done together before...something out of the ordinary, different. It creates an adventurous environment, promotes flirting, a giddy, kid like feeling. just doing crazy, fun things that make you feel young and stupid. Rebuilding a connection thru new activities.....trying to remove some of the hum-drum of everyday life.
we randomly text eachother throughout the day. not sexting, just the "hi, hows your day, whats up" kind of stuff. It lets the other person know we are thinking of them, care about them enough to take a second to say hi. It promotes a feeling of being special, being thought of, being noticed, not forgotten.
small random gestures. sometimes things like gifts, but more so things of a caring nature. He makes me tea every morning. leaves me little love notes. stuff like that. again, instills that feeling of caring, being thought of.
my hope is that, over time, these things we do, along with others, will help rebuild the feelings of love, caring, etc...which will lead to feelings of falling back in love which will help rekindle the feeling of special...the chemistry. For me personally, its those kinds of things...things that show me that i am important, thought of, noticed, loved, needed that fuel the chemistry.