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Cant get over emotional affair

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mary37 posted 11/5/2013 18:24 PM

It has been 2 years and 5 months since i discovered my husbands affair. It had been going on for 3 months when i found out and had not yet turned into anything physical. I believe it would have if left undiscovered.
I cant get over all the lies and deceit and my husband still refuses to be completely honest with me about things.
He has admitted he had feelings for OW and fancied her and found her physically attractive etc but denies that he would have ended up having sex with her??? He says he never saw her in that way??
I think he believes that because they didnt have sex it wasnt an affair! And if he admits he wanted to have sex with her he would have to face facts. Despite the fact that he kept her secret from me, and had hundreds of texts on his mobile telling her she is "stunning" and has "amazing legs" and arranging nights out with eachother. I also discovered that he had been coming home late from work because he was going to the gym with her and giving her lifts home and choosing not to come to bed with me because he was texting her into the early hours!
I dont think I will begin to get over this until he is completely honest with me about everything but how can i get him to do that?
It makes me think he is not remorseful at all and we cant begin to rebuild the trust.
I dont want to give up on my marriage but feel I am being forced to as i cant go on like this.
I know he probably thinks that as soon as he is honest i will be upset and angry again but he really couldnt hurt me anymore than he already has. I need complete transparency from him. I feel stuck.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/5/2013 19:19 PM

Welcome Mary37. I am sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

You are right, he is not remorseful. I hate to tell you this, but it is probably more than what he has told you. Cheaters lie. and lie..and lie....

Your common sense is telling you he saw her sexually. His texts tell you that. He is gaslighting you.

Please take care of you. Listen to that small voice inside of you and if you want to leave...leave, A remorseful spouse will do whatever it takes.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Whatdoido333 posted 11/5/2013 19:32 PM

I am going through something very similar..calls, texts etc and they still work together in a very small office and they are often the only 2 in the office

The EA has been going on for 4 years. It sucks

Deanna posted 11/5/2013 19:32 PM

Hi. Welcome and sorry you are here. My husband had an emotional and physical affair. They did not have sex however they did kiss. It took me at least two years to truly believe there wasn't more to come. Once I believed that I had the truth (as much as you will truly have) I started to heal.
My husband admitted that if they had been alone they probably would have had sex. They carried out their entire affair at work and on the phone. Neither one of them are computer literate.
Gently here, it sounds like your husband did have alone time with OW. My therapist told me I could never recover until I was sure I believed his version of what happened. Are you sure you believe it wasn't physical? Not even a kiss or hug?
Our d-day was four years ago yesterday. We have an awesome life. I hope you work things out in your head and heart!

wiserinsocal posted 11/5/2013 20:24 PM

Welcome Mary,
Sorry that you are here. As to your situation, the facts speak for themselves. I can't tell you what to do but I do know how you must feel. A marriage hurt by an A needs (IMHO) to have complete honesty if there is to be any real hope for a complete recovery. Hang in there and may God bless you.

Smokehouse posted 11/5/2013 21:00 PM

My WW had an EA bordering on a PA. She said no sex prior to me catching it, but, would have went that way had I not caught it. It is the same for your WH.

I'm sure the reason he can say he never saw her in that way is due to possibly no sex yet. It feels safe for him to say that and please you at the same time. But he would havet if given the opportunity. However, an EA is as bad in my eyes. You are giving your heart and being to this person which was rightly ours. Sharing intimate details with another that should only be privy with us.

I too don't believe I got ALL the details, but most. You may never, I may never, and can we live with that? I am giving it a go in spite and watching my WW's actions. Lots of people say if you don't get the truth then you leave. Maybe, maybe not. I would say most W's hold back details to a degree. Some I've read on here get full disclosure after years. I tell my wife if there are details left out don't be scared to tell me when you are ready.

emotionalgirl posted 11/5/2013 22:41 PM

Hi Mary... My story is much like yours. My WH had an EA lasting 3 months. It has been incredibly painful for me. As you said all the secrets and lies the texting. Spending time with her while I sat at home bored and lonely. My WH did not admit that he found her attractive, also denies he would have made the A physical. I truly believe it was just a matter of time and circumstance. This is usually a slippery slope.

He believes that it was not an A because there was no sex, even though his IC told him he was living in a very grey area.

I am sure that I have never received the whole truth, how would I ever really know if i had or had not other than instinct. I have decided to move forward as I do not want to loose a 25 yr marriage. My WH is remorseful for his actions and knows that he caused me great pain. He also knows that I no longer trust him. He is doing everything to make this right, but I have a new reality now. I don't know if I will ever move past the trust but verify stage. I also frequently wondering if there will be a next time.

For me that is the sticking point that is not allowing me to move forward completely...the wondering if there will be a next time, not the fact that I don't know if I have TT.

I hope we both find what we need and find the path we are meant to walk. (((Hugs)))

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