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Newest Member: m0ntp17 (61474)

User Topic: Cant get over emotional affair
♀ 41253
Member # 41253
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 2 years and 5 months since i discovered my husbands affair. It had been going on for 3 months when i found out and had not yet turned into anything physical. I believe it would have if left undiscovered.
I cant get over all the lies and deceit and my husband still refuses to be completely honest with me about things.
He has admitted he had feelings for OW and fancied her and found her physically attractive etc but denies that he would have ended up having sex with her??? He says he never saw her in that way??
I think he believes that because they didnt have sex it wasnt an affair! And if he admits he wanted to have sex with her he would have to face facts. Despite the fact that he kept her secret from me, and had hundreds of texts on his mobile telling her she is "stunning" and has "amazing legs" and arranging nights out with eachother. I also discovered that he had been coming home late from work because he was going to the gym with her and giving her lifts home and choosing not to come to bed with me because he was texting her into the early hours!
I dont think I will begin to get over this until he is completely honest with me about everything but how can i get him to do that?
It makes me think he is not remorseful at all and we cant begin to rebuild the trust.
I dont want to give up on my marriage but feel I am being forced to as i cant go on like this.
I know he probably thinks that as soon as he is honest i will be upset and angry again but he really couldnt hurt me anymore than he already has. I need complete transparency from him. I feel stuck.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Mary37. I am sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

You are right, he is not remorseful. I hate to tell you this, but it is probably more than what he has told you. Cheaters lie. and lie..and lie....

Your common sense is telling you he saw her sexually. His texts tell you that. He is gaslighting you.

Please take care of you. Listen to that small voice inside of you and if you want to leave...leave, A remorseful spouse will do whatever it takes.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4619 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 36597
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going through something very similar..calls, texts etc and they still work together in a very small office and they are often the only 2 in the office

The EA has been going on for 4 years. It sucks

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Welcome and sorry you are here. My husband had an emotional and physical affair. They did not have sex however they did kiss. It took me at least two years to truly believe there wasn't more to come. Once I believed that I had the truth (as much as you will truly have) I started to heal.
My husband admitted that if they had been alone they probably would have had sex. They carried out their entire affair at work and on the phone. Neither one of them are computer literate.
Gently here, it sounds like your husband did have alone time with OW. My therapist told me I could never recover until I was sure I believed his version of what happened. Are you sure you believe it wasn't physical? Not even a kiss or hug?
Our d-day was four years ago yesterday. We have an awesome life. I hope you work things out in your head and heart!

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♂ 18487
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Mary,
Sorry that you are here. As to your situation, the facts speak for themselves. I can't tell you what to do but I do know how you must feel. A marriage hurt by an A needs (IMHO) to have complete honesty if there is to be any real hope for a complete recovery. Hang in there and may God bless you.

"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...

Posts: 1802 | Registered: Mar 2008
♂ 40203
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW had an EA bordering on a PA. She said no sex prior to me catching it, but, would have went that way had I not caught it. It is the same for your WH.

I'm sure the reason he can say he never saw her in that way is due to possibly no sex yet. It feels safe for him to say that and please you at the same time. But he would havet if given the opportunity. However, an EA is as bad in my eyes. You are giving your heart and being to this person which was rightly ours. Sharing intimate details with another that should only be privy with us.

I too don't believe I got ALL the details, but most. You may never, I may never, and can we live with that? I am giving it a go in spite and watching my WW's actions. Lots of people say if you don't get the truth then you leave. Maybe, maybe not. I would say most W's hold back details to a degree. Some I've read on here get full disclosure after years. I tell my wife if there are details left out don't be scared to tell me when you are ready.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mary... My story is much like yours. My WH had an EA lasting 3 months. It has been incredibly painful for me. As you said all the secrets and lies the texting. Spending time with her while I sat at home bored and lonely. My WH did not admit that he found her attractive, also denies he would have made the A physical. I truly believe it was just a matter of time and circumstance. This is usually a slippery slope.

He believes that it was not an A because there was no sex, even though his IC told him he was living in a very grey area.

I am sure that I have never received the whole truth, how would I ever really know if i had or had not other than instinct. I have decided to move forward as I do not want to loose a 25 yr marriage. My WH is remorseful for his actions and knows that he caused me great pain. He also knows that I no longer trust him. He is doing everything to make this right, but I have a new reality now. I don't know if I will ever move past the trust but verify stage. I also frequently wondering if there will be a next time.

For me that is the sticking point that is not allowing me to move forward completely...the wondering if there will be a next time, not the fact that I don't know if I have TT.

I hope we both find what we need and find the path we are meant to walk. (((Hugs)))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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