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Ambermoon posted 11/5/2013 19:15 PM

I posted this in my other thread "please help" but wanted to open this up a bit more and get as much feedback as I can. I need to understand why he is acting as he is. I need your strength.
He basically lied and cheated on me a week ago. He has his own house but lived with me. His electric was shut off due to him never paying his bills. He is extremely impulsive. If he wants a $300 dinner we get one even if that means his truck will get repossesed. He has shown NO REMORSE for cheating and has denied what I KNOW FOR SURE he did. This is a pattern. I threw him out. I am trying to keep it that way. You can find out about what happened last night if you read my other thread.

I do not disagree with the feedback I have gotten here. Athough I find myself doubting my thoughts, feelings and my perspective. I need strength to believe in my experience. I did not realize just how much he was manipulating me or how I got here? I need to continue to hear that he is toxic. I need to hear that he is being cruel. I need to hear that something is very wrong with him. I guess I need to hear it multiple times for me to believe it cause I flip from believing it to not. For some reason, I "forget" or think I can fix him or help him or that I am being unreasonable. I often feel that I am overreacting. I don't trust my own judgement or feelings right now so I need to rely on you for my voice of reason right now. I need your strength.
If you have a minute and want to read the need help thread that I posted last night you will have more information about my situation.
Basically he is texting me like nothing happened. And last night he was texting me asking me to CUM over to his house and was texting me very vulgar sexual things.... I asked how he could cheat and know how much I am hurting and not acknowledge it and he just said do you want to get fucked? And went on to send me very very detailed things of what he wanted to do to me and that I would never leave him because he is so good in bed.... he treated me like I am nothing but a whore to him and it hurt like hell.

Even with everything that happened last night, I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is and doesn't know how to express himself and he must be hurting and I am trying to find excuses for his behavior. I know this is crazy. Maybe I am?

I keep wanting to believe that he is someone who he clearly isn't. I remember the love and kindness part of him and I am then blinded to the cruel side of him. Although he isn't cruel. he has never put me down or said hurtful things to me - he just detaches. I guess even though he has never put me down or said anything bad to me - it is cruel when he talks about wanting a whore or when he talks about how hot the bartenders ass is or the girl in front of us in line at the grocery store. He would go on and on about her hot ass. It became so regular that I didn't even flinch. i would just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up and he would laugh. I guess that is cruel but that was just how he was so it became a non issue. I always thought he would say it to get me going - I don't know? It got old but after a while, it didn't bother me.
I do at times feel like I will be okay and that I can stay away from him but then it dissolves when I get a text from him asking me to bring a heating pad to him or some other stupid text message that totally disregards that he has hurt me. it is like we aren't even living the same life when he does this. I caught him cheating and he is acting like nothing happened. It is such a mind fuck?
I don't know why I am surprised. He has done this to me every time. He has never once acknowledged me or my feelings when he hurts me.

I do think he has something mentally wrong. I have always kind of thought that but for some reason, I overlooked it.
Someone asked about his anger. He has NEVER raised his voice to me EVER. He has NEVER shown anger to me EVER. I know this is abnormal. I could be screaming and yelling and he is completely calm and detached. Just says calmly with no emotion - I did not lie to you. I did not cheat on you and then he simply walks away and then texts me as nothing has happened. If I don't let it go then he will disappear until I am willing to forget it. I could be crying my eyes out and he once again, NO EMOTION. Just says that he has never hurt me and never would. It makes me feel crazy. I have literally caught him in the act and there is NO disputing that he has lied and he can SWEAR to me that it isn't true. And then I even begin to doubt what I know is truth. If I continue to cry or act mad at him, he simply leaves. He will NOT tolerate me acting in any way but happy and loving towards him. but never with anger. he will just walk away and text me like nothing has occurred.
I did treat him like he was GOD but he never made me do it and was SO APPRECIATIVE of everything I did. It never went unnoticed. He would thank me over and over for how good I was to him. I cooked a homemade meal every night for him after working 10 hours at my own job and took it to him at work every night at 9pm. I then waited up for him so we could spend time together when he got home from work at midnight and I had to get up at 6am. I washed his clothes. I waited on him hand and foot. I did anything he wanted to do sexually and socially - ANYTHING. If he wanted to stay home, we would. If he wanted to party till 3am and I had to work, I would do that to. Whatever he wanted he got. I never saw my friends and did ANYTHING without him. He never told me I couldn't. He would encourage me to go out but I never did. But he would say over and over how he was cheated on before and would die if I ever cheated and that he needed a good girl. I guess I wanted to be a "good girl" for him so I never gave him reason to worry if I was cheating so I rarely left the house when he wasn't home. Unless I was grocery shopping or doing laundry. But if I did, he would say great baby, have fun. He would text me and ask if I was having fun. Or what we all did but he never made me feel like he didn't approve. So once again, he didn't make me stay home but I did. We spent all of our time together. We very RARELY spent any time apart other than when we both worked. If he was with his friends, he would want me with him. We did EVERYTHING together. He would even want me to go hunting with him. So I was lavished with his intense attention for weeks or months and then that day would always come. It would all just stop. No text messages. No calls and he would disappear for a day/night. And then we would resume as nothing happened. And I always knew it was coming. He usually texts me every hour all day saying he was thinking about me. Or that he couldn't wait to get home and cuddle with me. Or that he just wanted to be with me. And then it would just stop. No word from him other than I have to work late. I will see you later. that was so HARD to deal with. And I DREADED when I saw the signs that he was disappearing. It hurt me so much and I used to break up with him over it when we first started dating but now I would just accept it. But early in the relationship he would just not show up and not call for 4 days and for the past year he has at least said I have to work late and prepped me for his disappearing act. I thought this was a big improvement and that at least he warned me when he would disappear.
Back to the anger. While I have never seen him angry at me. He has been arrested many times for fighting. I have seen him pick fights with other men at the bar when he is drunk. He will buy the whole bar drinks all night and loves everyone to fawn over him. but then if someone he was buying drinks for plays music that he doesn't like - he will tell them they cannot play that kind of music cause it sucks and if they don't listen to him, he will literally start degrading them and get up in their face and LAUGH and threaten them. I usually can get him out of the bar before a fight breaks out but I know he has been in some really bad fights where he has seriously injured people. He will rant and rave for hours when we get home about how he wants to kill this guy. And then he will move on to how much he loves and adores me. He will say that even though he may not say he loves me often (he has NEVER said he loves me when he isnt drinking) that he does and that I am the person he has waited for forever. He says if I hurt him that he would GO CRAZY - not sure what he would do. He will often pull me to the floor like he is playing and say do you know how much I love you and hold me down and bite me or twist my arm. He will ask me over and over do you love me? And he will bite me and get rough in a sexual playful way. I would often wake up covered in bruises after we had sex when he was drinking. He would bite me all over my body, twist my arm, pull my hair and I would have finger bruises all over my thighs and my arms. I once woke up a few weeks ago with 33 bruises. Thankfully it is colder and I could wear clothes to cover my legs, neck and arms to hide it at work. He would always squeeze my inner thigh when we were out and I had a permanent bruise there for almost 2 months because he did it so often. It was HUGE and yellow and really pretty bad. But that is how he showed me when we were out with people that he wanted me. It was like he had to pinch me or bite me or something to show how much he loved me. He would give me that look like I love you more than anything at the grocery store or the bar or home and would grab my ass so hard it would leave a bruise and kiss me. I honestly never saw that as a problem as he wasn't doing this in anger. It was always playful. And he would be saying how much he loved me when he did it. And it was just how we were so I never thought to much about it until lately. I am not sure if this is normal? Maybe I am overreacting as each couple have different ways of showing love.
Well I didn't mean to go on and on but it just started pouring out of me. I am so confused by his behavior. His need and want to be with me 24/7 and then disappearing/cheating/lying and then back like he never left. He won't acknowledge he has hurt me. It is like we are living in different worlds. It is strange. I have never really looked at these things as issues or abuse and many are mentioning that he is abusive and that he has npd. I don't even know what to think yet I know something is very wrong with him. I am probably not making sense but I just need to hear that I need to STAY AWAY from him. I feel stupid and weak but I want this to end so I guess I have to swallow my pride and reach out for help.

emotionalgirl posted 11/5/2013 20:40 PM

Ambermoon....just from reading this post, my automatic thought was...part of the problem is he is a binge alcoholic and you are a codependant spouse. This man also has some serious mental health issues and possibly a personality disorder.

Detachment the way he does it IS a form of abuse, it is emotional abuse. He has manipulated you into isolating yourself. You say that he has never raised his hands to you, but you talk about bruises inflicted in the name of love. Sweety....very are an abused wife both emotionally and physically. He is controlling you wether you see it or not. From your post and the way it gives background and history, this can and will only get worse. When is enough enough? The first time he does hit you with his fist. Many abusive spouses tell their loved one that they are only hitting them because they love them and wouldn't do it if they didn't love them so much.

Please, please, stay away from him. This behaviour IS NOT normal. This IS NOT how someone says I love you. If you do return, which I pray you don't, document bruises etc so that if this does escalate you have documentation for a restraining order.

Find a good IC and tell this story and see what the response is. I am sure it will be exactly what I am saying. If you can not afford an IC try and find a community clinic or try an abused woman's support group. Also I have to recommend a wonderful book called "Co-Dependant No More". I am sure that you will find it helpful.

Please remember you CAN NOT fix another person....ever!

Keep posting here for support and so that we know that you are doing ok. ((((Hugs))))

gonnabe2016 posted 11/5/2013 21:06 PM

he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.

STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/5/2013 21:07 PM

I second what gonnabe said

Ambermoon posted 11/5/2013 21:11 PM

Thank you Emotional Girl so much for reaching out to me. I feel that I am asking too much of all of you and I keep posting like a crazy person but I am just in so much pain.
I have some major personal financial things going on that need my attention and my phone is ringing off the hook from bill collectors, my job is very demanding and my son is going through some major issues and needs me and my car needs a repair that I cannot afford and we don't have any food in the house because I am broke. I need to focus on these other things but I feel like I am drowning.

I guess I never thought of abuse that way. I just picture someone in a rage and beating you up and calling you names.
When I read what I wrote it is VERY OBVIOUS that this is a very unhealthy relationship and that he is not stable. That I am not stable. And it is very clear that I need to stay away from him and I wonder how all of that could have turned so normal day to day that I didn't even see what was happening?
Well, I am going to try to get a grip on my emotions so I can focus on all of these other things that desperately need my attention. I feel like I have to reread all of the messages every 10 minutes to remind myself that I have to stay away from him. I actually at times think I will just forget it all so he can come back home and I don't have to feel this way. I won't have to worry about money. I won't have to face this pain. I can just go back to living the lie with him and kick him out when everything else in my life isn't falling apart. But I know this would be the worst thing I could do. So I will keep reading the advice of all of you wonderful people here to keep me strong. Thank you.

Ambermoon posted 11/5/2013 21:20 PM

If you say it enough GonnaBe I am going to start believing it...
Thank you for your continued support.

worried_lady posted 11/5/2013 21:33 PM

Listen to emotionalgairl and gonnabe2016

Study some of the Personality Disorders with a huge dose of mental issues and that might answer some of your questions. There is no way for a normal person to understand some of these actions. We can't. You will go crazy if you try. Get out and save yourself!!

emotionalgirl posted 11/5/2013 21:42 PM

My guess would be that if you really look at your finances, he is taking more than he is giving. Put yourself on a budget and focus on yourself and your son.

You can do this!

Crushed1 posted 11/5/2013 21:56 PM

Amber, google 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It is named for a true incident that happened in Sweden where bank robbers held hostages in a bank for six days and after a few days some of the victims actually began to feel sympathy and a closeness to the kidnappers. It sounds like he's holding you emotionally hostage.

How long have you known him? Are you engaged to him? I didn't find anything in your profile. If you've been with him for a while you may have become numb to his antics. Like you know he's doing all sorts of wrong...cheating, lying, denying, making sexual comments about other women in your presence...but then he does something nice and tells you how much he adores you and BAM, he sucks you back into his sick drama.

You say he's emotionless and unable to relate to your pain in any way so I suggest you google NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and Passive/Aggressive Personality, it sounds like he's got a lot of traits of these disorders.

I hope you will find some answers to help you decide what to do from here. Best of luck.

1devastedmom posted 11/5/2013 21:56 PM

Oh my heart aches for you. Please leave this man. Something is wrong with him. He will never get better. Leave while you are young and have no children. Please I beg you.

Skan posted 11/6/2013 12:55 PM

There's an old saying that if you plop a frog into hot water, he'll jump out so fast that he'll leave a green streak in the air. But, if you put him into some cool water and slowly heat it up, he'll get accustomed to it and eventually, you can serve frog legs.

This is what he's doing to you. It's call desensitization. This type of training can be very valuable. It's how you get abused animals (and people) to slowly learn to trust again, to be less reactive to phobias, to get over PTSD.

He, however, is doing the opposite to you. You can also train an animal or a person to expect abuse, mental or physical or a mixture of the two (which is what is happening to you). You can slowly train them that this is normal and expected and to not bat an eye at, say, you constantly referring to other women in sexual terms that initially caused you to protest. You can condition them to think that leaving bruses all over your body and forcably holding you down is "wrestling" and is a sign of love. You can condition them to think that if they ever leave the house without you, they are doing something wrong. You can condition them to fawn all over you and slavishly cater to your every desire. You can condition them to think that this is "normal."

This is what this very sick man is doing to you. And it will not stop until you get him completely out of your life.

I have a small challenge for you. Completely anynomous. Call your local battered woman's hotline. Here's the national domestic violance hotline's number: 1-800-799-7233. Read them what you've written and ask them what they think. I belive that you'll get your answer. Ask them for advice.

Keep writing here. Keep reading here. Cut this man out of your life. (((hugs)))

Ambermoon posted 11/6/2013 18:34 PM

Skan, That was perfectly explained and in a way that really made me have a AHA moment. Thank you.

I am starting to see the truth. As I reflect on our relationship, I do see so many things that were not acceptable to me in the beginning that are now normal. It is crazy how this could have happened... so slowly that I didn't even notice.
And I am slowly starting to see that I need to let go.....I need to walk away and never look back. I had a good day today. I got alot done that has been neglected since I found out. I feel a little more in control of myself and my life.

OMG - he literally just texted me. And I feel every ounce of what I just said GONE. And what do I want to do? Text him back. Call him. See him.
I cannot stand this. Why are my feelings still so strong for him when I now know everything that I do? This is crazy. I am stupid.

SerJR posted 11/6/2013 18:43 PM

You're the figurative frog in the water.
Unfortunately, the frog has no control over the increasing temperature of the water.
So what does the frog have to do?

Skan posted 11/6/2013 19:02 PM

Look. When I take an abused animal, I may sit for hours with it, totally ignoring it, until it relaxes in some small way and I can then toss it a piece of chicken and leave. The next day, I'm going to have to spend the same set of hours with it until it relaxes in some small way (and it might be as simple as it drops its head for a moment while standing rigidly still), treat, and leave. Days on end. Until one day, I sit down and it relaxes and I treat it.

Mind you, when I stand up to leave, the dog tenses up again. It's taken me days to get one, very small step forward. And only by doing absolutely everything right.

Say I'm sitting and, as the dog is thinking about relaxing, someone calls looking for me and, unthinking, I holler back IN HERE! Frightened the dog Gonna have to essentially start all over again.

Your mind is having an Ah Ha moment. That's great. That's progress. That's something that you can hold on to. But when he texts/calls you, all of the "behaviors" that he has instilled into you are going to flash back. Just as if I had hollered around that poor abused dog.

(As a sidenote, I'm not comparing you to a dog, you know. But we've all seen these studies and are familiar with them.)

This is why you must cut off all communication with this man. Block him. Go to the police station and show them your bruises if you still have them and see about getting a RO. Go complete NC with your abuser. Get yourself some counseling so you have a fighting chance to never be in this place again. Work on YOURSELF. Wean yourself away from him cold turkey. Consider him a dangerous animal that is seeking to kill you, body and soul, and treat him as such. (((hugs)))

Ambermoon posted 11/6/2013 19:06 PM

I know i am the frog and that I should be leaping from the pot.

I told him I would meet him somewhere if he was willing to talk - tell me the truth and how he could have done this to me.
He has not replied. I guess that isn't what he had in mind.....
I want to meet him and look my BEST and make him tell me he is sorry and tell me truth and then WALK AWAY from him.
I should just shut my phone off and forget this game. I am so mad at myself. He knows he has me where he wants me and I just keep allowing this to happen.
I am sorry if you all feel like I am wasting your time.

SerJR posted 11/6/2013 19:15 PM

I want to meet him and look my BEST and make him tell me he is sorry and tell me truth and then WALK AWAY from him.

You refer to "him/he" 4 times in that sentence.
You refer to "me/I" only 3 times (and all in relation to him).
Do you see a balance problem here with your needs?
Your needs are NOT dependent on him.
As long as they are, he is calling the shots.
I can understand that you may want the above. But you need to stay away from someone who is hurting you.
Detach and don't interact and give him an opening. Doing so would be like cutting up your arm and walking through the ebola factory.
Take control.

Ambermoon posted 11/6/2013 19:16 PM

Once again that makes sense why I have such a strong reaction to hearing from him. I am starting to understand.
My cell company doesn't offer blocked numbers. I checked and I won't go to police for bruises that were inflicted during sex that I consented to.

I am SO MAD at myself for telling him I would meet him to talk. He texted me 3 times asking to see me. I responded with the above and he just replied and said sorry I am at my parents house so can't hang out. UGH I AM SO PISSED OFF AT MYSELF. I AM SO PISSED AT HIM. I HATE THAT I AM SO WEAK WITH HIM. HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. WHEN WILL I LEARN?


SerJR posted 11/6/2013 19:21 PM

WTF indeed.
Did you know that anger can actually be a good thing?
It is your subconscious telling you that something is very, very wrong with this situation.
What do you think it is?
Anger also provides very intense energy - but you can control that and focus it to propel you forward.
What can you do to take just one little step out of this?

Ambermoon posted 11/6/2013 19:23 PM

I feel like I am back to square one. I am SO UPSET WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
Why didn't I ignore his text messages. Today was my best day since this all happened. I actually smiled a few times. I could listen to the radio without bawling my eyes out. I showered. I got out of bed. I felt hope.
And every time I give in to him, I lose hope that I will have the strength to really walk away from him. I am losing self esteem and self respect and I feel weak and foolish.
I cannot believe I agreed to meet him and then him to say NO after he begged me to see him.
OMG I cannot stand this.

emotionalgirl posted 11/6/2013 20:57 PM not beat yourself up. Think of it like a diet! I am always on a diet trying to loose a few pounds. What I have learnt in the past few months from my IC is that even if you slip and have a bad meal or even a bad day you just pick yourself up and you don't throw away the whole diet. The same applies here, you had a bad moment and answered his text. What do you do now? You pick yourself up and go back to not answering his texts!

I considered recommending that you change your phone number, but my concern is that he would then start showing up at your house. I don't think this guy is going to leave your life easily. I fear that if you ignore him for long enough, and he does show up and you reject him he will get really angry and hurt you. My advice stay strong...ignore those texts, that will give you the strength you need if he does show up to turn him away without letting him into your home again.

You have taken the first steps to freeing yourself from a very unhealthy and in my opinion, abusive relationship. Stay strong! Anytime you want to respond to his texts come here and post instead, there is always someone around to talk you out of it! (((Hugs)))

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