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he meant more to me now than ever

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tara1110 posted 11/5/2013 20:19 PM

I've been in this up and down emotions for the past 3.5 months since dday, still trying to figure out what have gone wrong. Although the pain has been less agonizing for me I still find myself looking back through the years we've spent together and it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

It would make a difference if my STBX was a bad person who did the wrong thing, but he is a good person... A good father... My best friend... I still read back on our old text messages for each other... Read back his love letters and cards he gave me... I should be moving and not reminisce the past anymore but I can't help it.

Right now, our relationship is more amicable than how it was been weeks after dday. He hugs me and tells me he's sorry... Sorry that all these happened to us. But those sorries doesn't mean he wants to mend things between us ( of course I wish they were) because I know that he is head over heels inlove with the OW.

I hope I'm not crazy and please somebody tell me that I'm not the only one feeling this way.... :(

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/5/2013 20:48 PM

Without knowing exactly what happened, it sounds like your H had an A and is still involved with his AP (affair partner). You and he are separated and planning to divorce. Is that accurate?

It also seems as though you are still very much in love with him and wish you and he could reconcile. The problem is that he doesn't want to reconcile. He's now "in love" with this other woman. Is that accurate?

If all of the above is accurate, I do think that you are giving him a bit too much credit. So, he's a good guy? He broke his marriage vows. He betrayed you. He's preparing to leave you. He's going to impact the future life of your child negatively. He didn't stop his feelings for the OW in favor of you and his love for you, but selfishly followed his impulses.

To me, it's as though those love letters he wrote to you needed to be followed by this:

Disclaimer: Everything contained in this love letter is subject to becoming null and void, if I happen to stumble across someone who really piques my interest.

Maybe ask yourself this. Has he written similar letters to the OW? Are they real, too? Is he just so full of love that one person just isn't enough for his inner wonder?

I don't know him, but he just doesn't sound like such a good guy to me.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/5/2013 20:59 PM

Your emotions are normal. Do read the 180 though. You are accessible to him, so your hurt, though real to you, isnt real to him. Affairs are fantasies. Once the cheap thrill and excitement of the hiding is gone, reality sets in. My guess is you have cried on his shoulder, told him how hurt you are, why cant we reconcile, etc. again, all natural reactions so dont feel bad. So now you get to slap him into reality. Do not talk to him. Again, at all. Find a safe room in the house and spend your time there. Dont sleep with him. He wants a smooth happy transition. Dont do it. Get to a lwyer and take his shorts. Put him on the hook for anything you can get. You only have you and your child to worry about now. The man hugging you and apologizing is a monster that took over your husband. Go nc on him, do the 180, and screw this guy up. At some point the other woman will look pretty bad to him.

PurpleRose posted 11/5/2013 21:30 PM

Oh honey, you will soon realize that he is no longer that "good guy" that you once thought he was. The Dooosh was a "good guy" (or so I thought) too. For many many years I believed I had a loving and caring husband/partner who would have my back through thick and thin until death do us part.

And now? He continues to show me, his family, his children... What a total Dooosh he truly has become. He cares only for his own happy. And he will gladly tell you that life is about HIS happiness now. Not a good guy.

Once all the shock wears off you will see this too. It's time for you to get yourself emotionally safe. He is not your friend anymore. Get yourself prepared and ready for him to turn on you- most of them do when they start to realize what S/D really means.

tara1110 posted 11/5/2013 21:40 PM

Thank you for your posts.
Nomistakeaboutit, all you said were accurate. I'm trying so hard to move on one step at a time but then again, I fall two steps back. It's not easy and I'm still grieving because I lost him. He WAS a good person until this happened... Thank you for snapping me back to the truth. I just go back to denial sometimes and like I said I can't help it sometimes. As for me, I am set with my plans to move out of state once our lease in over on this house we're renting. He moved out but he still spends a lot of time here until our son goes to bed.

Gotmylifeback2013, I've read the 180 and I am gonna try to do it. In our state, we have to have a separation period of 1 yr before I file for divorce. I already drafted the separation agreement and he agreed to all the terms. I just need to find the courage to do the full 180 and not to be too friendly to him anymore. We've NEVER slept together in the same room since Dday.

Thanks again for the posts.

Praying for strength and courage to move on...

tara1110 posted 11/5/2013 21:44 PM

Purple rose thanks for the post too....

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/7/2013 16:55 PM

I wanted to also say that truly, my heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain and sadness. You have experienced a great loss, which is a loss you never planned on. You are having to recalibrate your past, present and future. You are processing and are doing very well, actually. (For one thing, you found this site and reached out, and you've also listened.)

One thing that is counter intuitive for many "giving" people, is to switch gears and start thinking more about yourself. I'm sure your focus has remained constant on your child or children. Prepare for that to intensify, because they are going to need you as their rock.

My own opinion is that I would not count on a fog to clear. The "fog" is a concept that some people embrace and others do not. I would gently suggest looking at it this way. Even if he has an epiphany and comes running back to you, you still have a lot to consider. For example, how would you ever know that down the road he would not "fall in love" with someone else? That's a big question.

He should be on his hands and knees, begging with every ounce of strength in his body for you to take him back. He should have immediately stopped his A. He should be going to therapy to find out how he could have gone so far afield. He should be thinking about his family and his child (children). Very sadly, he is not. He is showing you something right now that is equally, or more painful, than the A itself. He's choosing to continue this disgraceful thing he has done. He is spitting in your face.

I don't know why your post has reached out to me int he way it has. There's just something about the words you've said. My heart breaks for you.

Stand tall. Be brave. Don't accept this in any way shape or form. He doesn't deserve your hugs. See clearly. Be strong for your children and for you. You can do it and you will survive this.

Best to you.


Simple posted 11/7/2013 18:04 PM

Please read through the 180 and realize that it is for YOU. We don't want you to go bat crazy but at the same time the hammer isn't being laid down. Your wonderful husband isn't getting the consequences of his actions. See my signature? Obviously this wonderful man decided to STOP working on his relationship with you and placed all those energies on the OW instead. He is definitely not worth your time. As I am sure you already know. A marriage takes two people to make it work. It's gotta be hard cause it looked to me like he knew your love language (this is from 5 love languages by dr. champman still a good read cause it can work for kids too - there's a children version you may want to get to help your kid go through this D). So because of that, it was easy to manipulate you maybe? easy to keep you from creating a fuss?

Hugs your way. I feel for you. Remember SI is here for you.

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