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Does this make sense?

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Knowing posted 11/5/2013 20:56 PM

My biggest persistent fear, 1 year post DDay, is that fWH will have another A. I fear this because discovery was excruciating. I was blindsided and I was crushed. I'm not against an open M, per se, or some kind of alternative (parenting/living) arrangement, we just never discussed it. fWH thought he was having an exit A and would tell me on his way out the door...

I didn't kick him out and I didn't get violent (his biggest fears), and I agreed to R. Recovery and reconciliation have gone well. I have come to understand that I fear another A because I may not react well to another discovery. In my mind I have an ideal end to our M, should it come to that. We literally split the house in 2 (it's more than big enough), I continue to be the primary caregiver (as it has been all throughout our M) and because we are amicably separated we have a flexible visitation/custody arrangement that allows for him to actually see his daughters when he can (he works over 100 hrs/wk during his work season that extends from March to November).

When I separated from my first husband it was amicable. The relationship had come to an end. He didn't send child support for the first 10 years of her life but I never held that against him and he saw his daughter when he could. We are friends to this day.

I don't fear our M ending, I fear it ending badly. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince fWH that it's better to tell me about an A partner before it's started rather than after. I want honesty and maturity. I fear I won't get it. That's what's holding me back right now.

And yes, does that even make sense?

morethantrying posted 11/5/2013 21:12 PM

yes, fear is tough. I have a lot of fears too. But for me the time I spend in "fear" could be spent in reconcilations and love instead. If it happens again it happens and I and you will survive...we already proved it.

I try to leave fear behind as it get me own happiness will not be blocked by something that may or most likely MAY NOT happen. We have learned lessons, we know how to communicate, and with this we have some control about what will or will not happen.

Fear is only a feeling, not a reality of what actually is at this moment. Talk with your WS and together work that fear out... the talking will help you both and help you FEEL less fearful and more positive as it will also help you firm up your commitment...Just my opinion... hang have already proved that you CAN!

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