My biggest persistent fear, 1 year post DDay, is that fWH will have another A. I fear this because discovery was excruciating. I was blindsided and I was crushed. I'm not against an open M, per se, or some kind of alternative (parenting/living) arrangement, we just never discussed it. fWH thought he was having an exit A and would tell me on his way out the door...
I didn't kick him out and I didn't get violent (his biggest fears), and I agreed to R. Recovery and reconciliation have gone well. I have come to understand that I fear another A because I may not react well to another discovery. In my mind I have an ideal end to our M, should it come to that. We literally split the house in 2 (it's more than big enough), I continue to be the primary caregiver (as it has been all throughout our M) and because we are amicably separated we have a flexible visitation/custody arrangement that allows for him to actually see his daughters when he can (he works over 100 hrs/wk during his work season that extends from March to November).
When I separated from my first husband it was amicable. The relationship had come to an end. He didn't send child support for the first 10 years of her life but I never held that against him and he saw his daughter when he could. We are friends to this day.
I don't fear our M ending, I fear it ending badly. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince fWH that it's better to tell me about an A partner before it's started rather than after. I want honesty and maturity. I fear I won't get it. That's what's holding me back right now.
And yes, does that even make sense?