The OW lives in the same town and we have many, many joint friends. After almost five years, I am not super attuned to my surroundings but am careful in certain areas. Tonight was our daughters winter sports meeting at school. I was helping out our Asst. Coach and was not paying attention to the introduction of our new, full time Athletic Trainer. When she began speaking, I was excited that we finally had our own trainer instead of sharing one.
She looked a little familiar but I wasn't sure until I saw her name in the program, the whore's youngest daughter! What are the odds? She just graduated from college and will now be working with our daughter. Now personally, I have nothing against this girl. I knew her Dad most of my life, until his sudden death. She even looks like him, and I can see my daughter liking her.
My FWH is away tonight and I casually mentioned it in the "you are not going to believe this" way. He didn't say one word, just crickets. I finally said, " she looks like her Dad." He changed the subject. I mean really, what can be said about this except WTF....
The great news is that while totally unexpected, it didn't ruin my evening or even put me in a bad mood.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Forlorn, I just read your profile, prick appears to be the perfect word for your Ex. He will regret his actions against his children one day; not that he will tell them or you, but he will know. I get them falling out of love with us, I get them being selfish, I will never, ever understand walking away from your own children. Shame on him!
I have a friend whose husband left when her son was a year old. He never paid child support or even had visitation; just left. Last year, the son graduated from high school. She told me that leaving him was the nicest thing her ex had done for her son. Neither of them had to deal with his crazy. Her father and brother-in-law were wonderful role models for her son who is well adjusted and happy. Some people do not deserve the wonderful children they have.
Of course her children like him better, they are younger and will take any attention they can get since their own father left.
forlornheart....I can relate to TheClimb's story, but can't to yours. My heart goes out to you. I try to imagine my wife and her AP actually choosing each other...it is hard to stomach and puts me back to wondering just what the hell they were thinking. What was to be gained really?!? I imagine my wife hugging his kids, tucking them into bed at night...wonder if she ever romantized about that? Yeah...prick pretty much describes your husband at this point.
I think blended families are tough to start with...even if the husband and wife in it were NOT involved in the original family fracture. Think it would be almost impossible to make that work when it starts like your ex and his current wife started. 95% of all weddings fail when a WS and their AP marry. Pretty sure we can figure out why that would not work without extensive literature research. That still doesnt help what you are dealing with...
Having assisted with VBS and being around single Moms there is no doubt that kids need and desire "Dads" every bit as much as "Moms". Within just a few short hours I have kids wanting to hug me, talking louder for my attention, and literally grabbing my face and turning it towards them. I felt compassion for both the kids and their Moms BEFORE my wifes A...feel extra compassion for them now.
Back to small town......
My wifes good friend told her a couple of months ago...."Mrs.Blakesteele, you are NOT going to believe the rumor I heard today!". She proceeded to tell my wife she had heard my wife was carrying on an affair with AP. At first my wife didnt deny nor admit to anything...shocked. She called her back that same day and confessed it was not a rumor...it was true. That was a big step for my wife and a tough task. I know it was a consequence of her actions, but still recognize this was tough for her.
If we did not have daughters this would not be much of a concern for me...living in a small town post-A. I pray regularly that it is Gods will that they don't be exposed to the truth of my wifes choices....or that, if they are, it is done in a way that their young minds are not severly warped by the information. He has 5 kids, some teenage boys....her AP is onto another woman and has been reported to have had other women before my wife. I thank God no STD's were involved in this mess. I remember being a hormone driving boy...I think I would have been tempted to act out against my Dads AP had he chosen to live in the same town as we did and I had an opportunity to find out who his AP was. Childish, I know, but I WAS a child. I know where the anger and resentment SHOULD be placed...but I also know I, as an ADULT, preferred to act out against her AP then to express righteous anger whete it belonged...squarely on the shoulders of my wife.
'Course, if we did not have daughters....our sitch would be really different. Might have D immediately (her choice or mine), might have sold the house and moved, who knows.
The reality is we live in a small town, rumors abound, sex scandals are juicy, affairs cost WAAAAYYYY more than they are worth, and we do the best we can with this new reality.
TheClimb....you did a "BEST" upon this new reality that was given to you by your husbands affair. Thank you for posting...stay courageous!
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:46 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
Curious if she does how she is interacting with your kids. Speaks to my concerns I have surrounding our daughters.
You owe me nothing....just curious.
I love your posts; you are obviously a very kind person and have a great writing style.
You win the prize for BS of the year! No way I could have set across from him and been able to eat. I did attend a fashion show fund raiser once where the OW was at our table but I made my friend sit beside her. The OW could see me, but without turning in my chair, I could not clearly see her. She made it through dinner and left before the fashion show began... coward.
As to your question, to the best of my knowledge, the daughter does not know about her mother's A with my FWH. At the time of the affair, her father had been dead a little over a year and she was in her senior year of high school. After DD#1, the OW begged me not to tell her girls, which I wouldn't have and didn't. I didn't want those poor girls wondering what their whore of a mother was doing while they were away at college.
I also did not tell her family or employer mostly because I have connections with them. I don't want her sister-in-law who I have known since the age of six, to feel uncomfortable around me or avoid talking to me because of what the OW did. After DD#2, I told her husband's best friend as he was a friend of all of ours and I felt like he could keep an eye on her. He turned out not to be such a good friend of mine, but along with me giving my FWH my wedding band and telling them both she was free to have him, the affair ended.
I don't know how much contact the daughter will have with my daughter as this is the first year that we have a full time athletic trainer at our disposal. But since neither of the girls know what happened, I don't foresee any problems. If I have to deal with her, I will think of her as "Guy's" daughter, not the whore's.
Thank you for your post; it is so comforting to know that so many have my back and clearly get how I feel.
I, like you, never want to hurt a child. I am still shocked both my wife and her AP chose to endanger and hurt 7 kids through their selfish actions. Any WS that says that they didnt jeopardize the kids involved, didnt harm them in any way, is simply going to remain a WS for life.
You win the prize for BS of the year!
That is kind of you.....but
No way I could have set across from him and been able to eat.
....don't sell yourself short.
..it didn't ruin my evening or even put me in a bad mood.
YOU ALMOST DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID....just lacked food in front of you! You are doing great!
What would have happened to you if this same experience happened shortly after your DD? I am betting I know the answer...it would have ruined your event.
I am doing nothing more then other BS have before me...including you. This is a process. I am grateful that I have progressed to being able to do what I do when around the AP, because it will forever be a part of our life and there is a good chance that future run ins will happen...due to the "small town" thing.
Early on I wished for a great number of things that all BS wish for. Insane wishes really...things like I wish my wife never chose adultery, I wish she didnt give him head, I wish she didn't tell him she loved him, wished they had used protection, wish her AP wasnt such a prominent person in our community, wish he didn't drive a very common vehicle for our part of the world, etc. etc. etc.
This was a part of the process but, like some other parts of this, it was me holding onto a hope for a better past.
To be VERY sure....for 6 months when I was close to the AP if he so much as blinked in my direction I would have stomped his head into the ground until my boots felt earth! Yep, that is the truth...the ugly truth that blakesteele had to learn to live with. Never thought I could be so "ugly". I felt like a silver-back gorilla protecting his troop. Very immature, very primal, very understandable, and...eventually...very easy to accept that this was a part of me (that acceptance came from lots of IC work and praying! My rage took me 3 months to get in touch with....and, boy-howdy, did I get in touch with it!).
So don't think where you are at now is where you will be in the future....I can tell you even recognize your progress to date.
We may have had a bad start but we can choose to have a great finish!
I really noticed substantial change in me when I concentrated on being grateful.
I am grateful my wife did not get an STD...particularly the HPV thing, which I understand is a precursor to cancer.
I am grateful for our daughters...a blessing from God.
I am grateful for my job that allows income substantial enough for MC and IC to be an option for us.
I am grateful my wife found remorse at levels that are condusive to learn to R.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful much of the other parts of our lives are low-stress. (Job secure, debt gone, healthy spiritual life, no addictions)
My growth away from the "silver-back" mentality occured when I nurtured compassion. Compassion through acceptance and understanding.
I am accepting that I was not a "perfect" husband. That I did indeed do things that took intimacy out of our M. Accepting this caused me to look into the "whys" of those actions. Finding answers helped me identify parts that I needed to change, things I didnt know I needed to address. They were all things inside me. They were ugly things BUT I could control them...they were inside ME! I feel empowered by this fact, even though it is painfully ugly hard work...I can do it!
I am accepting that my wife is not "pure evil"....and, in fact, far from it. This is occurring via her openness and my refraining from getting angry and defensive as she shares things I don't really like to hear, but need to hear....things that need to be exposed and addressed.
I am accepting her AP has his own battles and struggles. Seeing him, his 5 kids, and his wife at the restaurant was very very sad for me to witness....not a word was spoken between him and his wife, his kids kinda did their own thing, she picked at her food, they both sat at 30 degree angles away from us in their seats. This part of my journey is made more difficult by his choice to find yet another woman to comitt adultery with, and reports that my wife was not his first taste of adultery....but, even with this information I am seeing my compassion growing for him...if for no other reason then how it is affecting his family. I pray for them as well.
To be sure, I dont feel sorry for him...dont feel sorry for my wife. That is not what compassion is...that is more like pity. Compassion to me is feeling the suffering of others. My wife and her AP made choices...the consequences of which are suffering. Without passing judgement I am learning to recognize suffering is suffering...and it generates compassion within me.
Please dont think the above description of my journey is linear...it is anything BUT linear. I still cry spontaneously and for no reason. I still question Gods will...pray for things as if I know better then He does what I "need". I still do hurtful things to my wife, I still struggle to stay in every moment while with our daughters....this is tough stuff.
14 months out and I can breath deeply again. Sometimes a couple of hours goes by that I don't think of what my M went through and what my M is today.
I had serious moments of temptation during the past 14 months....RA was a real hazard for me, and I was tempted to loosen one of the few boundaries I had throughout our marriage. My thoughts have not remained "pure" through this journey....
Whether your realize it or not, you are growing past your "silver back gorilla" phase.
I can tell by your well put together profile that you have all the introspective skills I have, and then some. They are serving you well...take peace in that.
TIME is a big part of this process.
Regardless....you are now a part of my specific SI member prayer list...a list that, sadly, continues to grow.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:51 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]
you are now a part of my specific SI member prayer list
Thank you Blakesteele!
Full disclosure came the day before my birthday in 2012. On my birthday our staff took us to lunch. Guess who sat right in front of me????? Yep, EAP. Had to fake my way through the "celebration."
Believe it or not, didn't fire her. She is one of my best employees, and to be honest WH was the prime instigator. She stupidly played along. Firing her would have left us open to sexual harrassment lawsuit I would never have recovered from.
So after a few months, HE left the office, left the business we had worked together to build. Just one more loss I have had to accept.
For months I would be physically I'll when I arrived at MY business. Have learned to handle that, but what REALLY bites is that neither if them has ever said Thank You- for protecting them, for not allowing this to ruin her family, his reputation.
MY name is on the door, so I did what I had to do to protect MY business. Boy, do we get strong or what!
Recovering from adultery being invited into your marriage is tough on all....so I am not saying I have it easier then you guys....but, dang, both of your scenarios seem tougher to me.
My hat is off to both of you.
What is common throughout all of our journey's is the disproportionate price everyone pays compared to the "gains" WS get from their choices and actions.
$4k spent last year on counseling and a weekend retreat.....but one example of how much a role in the hay costs.
My brother and I talked about adultery long before adultery was part of my marriage. We did some simple math revolving around a golf-pro's adulterous activities. We figured financially he would have been better off paying a woman $400k per fling compared to what his actions cost him.
We talked about this NOT to assign a value to maintaining integrity or anything "wholesome" like that. We simply looked at it as a consumer math problem.
I guess it is the total absence of logic that adultery is chosen? A decision of the "heart"? But if it is a decision of the heart, what does that say about my wife and her AP...that they choose each other over the safety, love and well being of 7 kids? I accept that I am an adult and his wife is an adult....so we can process through this pain....but kids? Guess I am still struggling with the insanity of the stark difference in gain/lost relationship....
Add to this the fact her AP is into another A with another woman....what does this say about him as a man? And this is the type of man my wife gave herself to?
Anyway....thanks for the post Theclimb. It was good for me to read and see others in similar situations. My wifes AP owns a business that could be affected by a "less than respectful" reputation. I dont pray for this as a family relies on that as their income. I really pray that my wifes AP chooses to stop the pain so that he and his family have a chance to grow and process through it. This is tough work even when the immediate pain subsides...
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:45 AM, November 8th (Friday)]
Some would say I shouldn't have covered their mistakes, but as it was in my power to shield those innocents. I did. Thanks for the support!!