Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Dha0128 (46042)

User Topic: Work husbands and work wives
LeopoldB
♂ 40606
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No urgency to this post... just wondering what people here are thinking and what their experiences have been - - good or bad - - with work spouses.

Work husbands and work wives... what are the boundaries? There are more and more posts at SI about spouses having EAs at work. I just wonder whether all of these are really EAs or whether a good number may be close working relationships that are on a slippery slope but have not slid down it yet and may never do so. The terms "work husband" and "work wife" are so common in the popular lexicon that they cannot all be inappropriate.

Here is Dr Phil on the issue:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/693

I had a work wife. It was great. She could read my mind, finish my sentences. I could depend on her and she was an incredibly valuable company employee. We clicked on the technical and esoteric nature of our respective expertise in our business careers. We could (and needed to) speak at length about topics that friends, families, and significant others could never begin to understand. She worked for a different department that needed to collaborate closely with my group; similar pay levels and titles. No overlapping hierarchical management responsibilities. Just really effective cross-functional process management.

It did not become inappropriate in part because we chose not to cross that line (there was borderline joking about it), in part because of circumstances, and in part because of lack of opportunity (located 1,400 miles apart). She left the company for a better opportunity and her replacement is less than half as productive, has a poor attitude and worse work ethic. The lack of coordination between departments is killing us.

I miss my work wife because we were a great team and everything is so much more difficult now. But I can understand that our spouses might have viewed the work environment as a threat or potential train wreck in the future.

How do you deal with spousal work relationships that span 2,000 hours per year, are intimate, emotional, yet not physical... when they certainly may seem to be potential threats or ongoing EAs?

Just wondering what folks are thinking about their own or their spouse's work relationships in light of having been betrayed.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At work, I have colleagues, not a spouse.

The very term "work husband" makes me cringe. That alone crosses boundaries, IMO.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in part because of circumstances, and in part because of lack of opportunity (located 1,400 miles apart).

What circumstances? If all that stopped it from being a physical affair was distance, then I say you already slid down the slope.

I have men I work with very closely. During intense times I follow rules; I keep personal talk to a minimum, I only speak of my spouse in the highest possible regard, I never drink, no private meals. That kind of thing. It's WORK. If my husband called someone his work wife I'd lose my shit.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can still remember the day my XWH referred to this woman I didn't know as his work wife. The stab was intense- yet being a SAHM I really didn't know what it meant. All I knew was that it felt wrong. I didn't like it.

He told me it was all good fun. People in the office were just joking! She was so like me- we would probably be good friends if we got to know each other! I told him I didn't like it one bit and so I didn't hear much about her after that. Turns out the joke was on me.

She ended up becoming his COW. We are now divorced because of his affair.

I find the term "work wife/husband" so insulting I could scream. That person is nothing like a spouse-- they deal with the work persona. Not the burping, snoring, are the bills paid, underwear on the floor, what's for dinner, hold my hair while I puke cause I have the flu persona.

Not at all the same. And it's a big problem if this is the way the people in work environments are thinking now.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The terms "work husband" and "work wife" are so common in the popular lexicon that they cannot all be inappropriate.

The popularity of a subject is not indicative of its appropriateness. There are plenty of popular films and books that glorify infidelity. The phrase Love Affair is fairly popular. Meth is pretty popular.

When you start to justify the appropriateness of something, it's a pretty safe bet it's no longer appropriate.


It did not become inappropriate in part because we chose not to cross that line (there was borderline joking about it), in part because of circumstances, and in part because of lack of opportunity (located 1,400 miles apart).

Standing right at the edge just means it's a matter of time, not willpower. If it was a matter of willpower then the relationship would have remained completely professional, and I honestly cannot see how anything that is called a Work Wife or Work Husband is in any way completely professional.

I expect my spouse not to have any intimate relationships at work. I expect her to have professional relationships.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7635 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The popularity of a subject is not indicative of its appropriateness. There are plenty of popular films and books that glorify infidelity. The phrase Love Affair is fairly popular. Meth is pretty popular.

When you start to justify the appropriateness of something, it's a pretty safe bet it's no longer appropriate.

^^^^^^^This. OMG THIS.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18702 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
emotionalgirl
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny to think of it as a work wife or work husband. I think it is really all about boundaries.

My boss is a great guy, he just sucks at organization in any form and also has a habit of not taking care of his health. He knows my WH I know his wife, we do not socialize outside of work.

When I look at our work relationship, if I may call it that. I likely sometimes sound like a nagging spouse. I am always after him and nagging him for some form or paperwork that I need to do my job, and his wife and daughter have asked me to nag him about his unhealthy snacking on candy and stops for ice cream when he is out of the building. I always do in a joking manner, usually bringing his wife up. His wife once said to me...you can be the nagging work wife I will be the nagging home wife. This said neither of us would EVER cross THAT boundary! It is never even a thought and although I may nag him, he is still my boss who I treat with respect in every other way. Our work relationship is purely professional in every other way, and we DO NOT confide in each other about our personal lives outside of work other than generalities. He and I are both religious people who love our spouses value our marriages.

I think the term work wife and work husband is just an over used term. Like I said it is really all about your own values and morals. The situation is what you make of it, if my boss had different values perhaps it would cause a problem. If that were the case then my values are strong enough that I would have put our working relationship on a different footing from the start.

Morals and values....some people have them....some people don't. Regardless they are what it is all about!


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
LeopoldB
♂ 40606
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the very interesting responses.

If you have the opportunity to ask friends what they think of the terms "work husbands" and "work wives", I would be curious to hear whether they tend to interpret those labels judgmentally (negatively) or whether they consider them more a fact of modern work-life.

I originally heard the term "work wife" used in conversation by my SIL talking about her H (my brother's) work colleague. She did not use in a negative way (although maybe she was more perturbed than she let on). The context seemed to be that his work wife helped fill the role of the woman in the expression "behind every successful man is a woman" because someone had to be looking out for him during the 2,000 hours a year when she was not there.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***Posting as a member

Yes, the term is used with affection and passing permission. Unfortunately.

How is it escapable that assigning the term "husband" or "wife" to anyone outside an actual spouse is inappropriate? Because it's cute and funny and everybody's doing it?

Husband. Wife. Forsaking all others. Monogamous commitment. Family. Priority. SEX. THAT is what these terms are supposed to correlate to.

I think that using them in the workplace is an excuse to have inappropriate feelings for someone, whether married outside the workplace or not. Yes, you spend 9 waking hours with this person. If you married someone outside of this partnership, you owe them the respect to cast this deceptively charming moniker out with the rest of the workplace EA slippery slope refuse. IMHO.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18702 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The context seemed to be that his work wife helped fill the role of the woman in the expression "behind every successful man is a woman" because someone had to be looking out for him during the 2,000 hours a year when she was not there
A grown ass man has to be looked out for by a woman at work? Am I misunderstanding this?

I do not like the term "work wife" or "work husband" because it implies intimacy. There should be no intimacy whatsoever between work colleagues. If you wouldn't say or act this way in front of your spouse, than you shouldn't be doing it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10096 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leopold, two points.

1. With all due respect I am not going to ask my friends about this because unless nd until someone understands boundaries, their opinion is crap

2. Why in the hell does a grown ass man need someone to "look out for him" at work?!?!?!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's completely inappropriate. To have a colleague is one thing. To assign them the husband or wife moniker crosses the line. It cheapens the meaning of husband and wife.

My EX had a work wife, and it was totally an EA. He almost moved us from one coast to the other because his work wife accepted a transfer within the company from one coast to the other. I can't believe he almost uprooted us like that because she was just a colleague. No, he was totally having an EA with her. He justified it by insisting everything was on the up 'n up, they supported each other at work, yadda yadda yadda. She was all he talked about.

I think anyone who has a work spouse has crossed the line.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recall when this term first became popular way before my X had an A. I thought the term was stupid then and I think the term is even stupider now. In fact, I now find the term to be offensive.

I have a work team. Sometimes the team is better than other times. Sometimes I "click" better with one team member than another. Sometimes I freakin hate a member of the team. I have never referred to my team as my "work family". Some of these people I have worked with for 15-20 years and I care about them, but none of them are my family.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
emotionalgirl
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel the need to add one more thing here. We in this modern times find it offensive that " a grown man or woman needs taking care of them or someone to look out for them at work" However if you speak to many older women who worked as executive secretaries, many of their work duties were much like those of a spouse. Many of them even picked out gifts for family members and ran errands such as picking up dry cleaning.

The term work wife or work husband was not used in that era, it still does not alter the fact that there were poor boundaries in some cases. Yes there were affairs, and cases where these men actually married their assistants. In all reality none of that has changed. the only change has been in the vernacular of todays generation. I think that it is truly just inappropriate use of the word husband or wife and that as long as a person has proper morals and boundaries, the term used to identify that person is just that...a term of identification. Is it right to use that term of identification, no. Is it done in an offensive or disrespectful manner, I don't believe so. Is it particularly hurtful and disrespectful to those of us whose spouses have had affairs and are perhaps overly sensitive, yes I believe so.

in actual fact It is likely just a very unfortunate change in the modern vernacular of today's generations. We all know that many of my own generation and the majority of those who have come after are not the most respectful bunch, nor do they use the best vocabulary! In many cases things are done by these generations due to ignorance regarding the strong feelings that they can generate.

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:08 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My questions would be:

1. Could you have had the same type work relationship with another man?
2. If so, would you have referred to him as your "work husband"?

And if you couldn't have had the exact same relationship with a man, it was not an entirely professional relationship and, therefore, crossed boundaries.


I had an excellent relationship with my former boss. I sometimes finished his sentences and often spoke for him in emails and written paperwork because he had poor grammar skills due to a learning disability. If he had ever referred to me as his "work wife", I would have quit out of respect for both his wife and my husband. I regard him with great affection and respect but our relationship never crossed lines. I'd never have been embarrassed had our spouses walked in on a conversation.

The level of intimacy you speak of in reference to the woman you worked with sounds beyond the scope of professionalism. The fact that you "joked" about crossing boundaries is an indication that there was something under the surface between you and while you state that it was never inappropriate, the fact that you did joke about it was inappropriate in and of itself. I doubt you could also say that you and she never engaged in a conversation you wouldn't have wanted your wife to hear just given the fact that

It did not become inappropriate in part because we chose not to cross that line (there was borderline joking about it), in part because of circumstances, and in part because of lack of opportunity (located 1,400 miles apart).

Nowhere in your explanation of why it didn't become appropriate because it would have been disrespectful to your spouses or because it was unprofessional conduct or because you really love your spouse and this was a professional relationship. You merely didn't become inappropriate because it was inconvenient. You might want to consider that because if inconvenience is the only thing stopping you from having an affair with coworkers, what's to stop you when you meet someone who is convenient.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:29 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
vivere
♀ 34465
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering what folks are thinking about their own or their spouse's work relationships in light of having been betrayed.

Assigning the status of 'wife' or 'husband' to anyone other than your wife or husband is hurtful, in my opinion. It creates an intimacy that just should not be there in a professional work environment.Creates a bond that should not exist in a professional capacity.

I like TearsofLove's question.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that expression.

I like and respect most of my coworkers , male and female. I cannot even begin to imagine using that phrase for any of them, or having it applied to me. Ick. Boundaries. Personal space.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6972 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be curious to hear whether they tend to interpret those labels judgmentally (negatively)

I find it interesting that you label a negative interpretation for the term "judgmental".

At any rate, my judgement of the term "work spouse" is that it's a childlike expression.

It makes me think of two kids playing "make believe" or "house" . I really think it has no place in a professional environment.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:29 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
sullymeishadomi
♀ 16305
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one of those people who believe men and women can have friendships and close work relationships as long as they are adult and know and have firm boundaries in place. Here at work, we joke (even borderline perv) and share personal stuff but for anyone to have an affair....eeewwww...and that is the response you would get from any of us. Tho we have fought in the past, we lost two people and our work dynamic has returned to that of family

Work wife or work husband... term makes my stomach turn. Wife and husband is an intimate relationship.very intimate. Sex, etc.

I have a coworker in another office. The way he speaks of his "work wives" raises my eyebrows. To me, its inappropriate.

To me, the term work wife or work husband takes away whats left of the stigma of cheating.

You can have coworkers with whom you work extremely well and have a close friendship without turning that person into a spouse.

Jmo


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8471 | Registered: Sep 2007
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, when those expressions (which I hate) are used, it indicates a boundary crossed. At best, if it is being used simply to indicate the close, appropriate and professional environment that exists between the two,people, then it is insensitive and hurtful.

If that was Dr. Phil you were quoting, then Dr. Phil is an asshole for calling his secretary his work wife.

Also, fwiw, I felt this way before my xWW cheated on me..


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 109
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.