Sorry to bother you but I'm kind of struggling right now. My DD18's best friend told me she saw stbx with a girl at a food court in a shopping center. He sat near her but DD18's friend ignored him. She said that he looked buffer and unhappy.
I don't know why I have tears. I don't think they are sad tears but angry tears? Like you blew up our lives for … nothing? You are jerking me around in the divorce proceedings for fun? So while I am taking care of our two teens with psychiatric issues, you are eating and shopping at the mall? You won't pay for anything for the kids but you can afford to eat out and shop? Is this tears of jealousy?
So please share with me how YOU reacted the first time you saw/heard about your WS in their new life. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and I don't know why.
I was very angry every time I heard something about the ex and his shiny new life. I think this is pretty common we are still angry about what we have lost and the hurdles we have to jump just to get through it and the mess we have been left to clean up in the wake of their destruction.
I promise one day you will reach indifference and no longer feel this way every time you hear something. Take it easy one day at a time. This too shall pass, we all have bad days. Tomorrow will be a better day try and focus on that.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
The first few times sucked because I had built up stripper whore in my mind to be this exotic, intelligent, perfect being. At that point I was still thinking that he left me because of my inadequacies. So hearing about their awesome, sparkly life and comparing it with my struggles and pain hurt and set me back.
Eventually, I saw reality. Their life is not shiny and sparkly, it's sad and pathetic. Their personality disorders feed on each other. They are like Tantalus...the escape is in sight and they are continually seeking it without realizing they are actually trapped.
I do not want that life because it isn't really a life...it is the appearance of a life. There is no satisfaction, contentment, or peace in that life...there is just the drive for the next fix.
I will take the burden and joy of living an authentic life over the plastic sparkle that ex-shat has opted for.
Because that was somehow relevant to our conversation, of course!
I tried not to show that it affected me, but I started sobbing right into the phone. Spent most of the rest of that day in tears too.
The good news is that it does get easier. When she was picking up the boys the other day, she "casually" mentioned to 13 that she used a ton of firewood on the weekend. She never wanted to hang around in the family room, or have a fire, with me - but is all about the romance with the sorry bastard she's using now.
It didn't phase me. I didn't give a shit. I saw her for the pathetic piece of shit that she is - still trying to hurt me when she can.
She still can hurt me, but this is one time she tried and failed - and it will continue to get better. It will happen for you too, friend.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
After I discovered her setting up dates online, I was completely done, and she knew as much. She had too much pride to act remorseful in any way after that, and too little class and self respect to even be completely discreet...while she was still living in my house and looking for a job and a place to live.
Some of it was, in retrospect, probably intentional on her part. She'd do things like leave a hotel key from one of her hookups in her car when she knew I had to use it...other stuff was just stupid and careless, like the dozens of selfies in her lingerie she left on her iPad for our 4 year old DD to stumble across. Nice.
I guess it hurt a little, but here's my point: it helped me find closure and heal all the more quickly. She paid no rent on space in my head or my heart anymore, and in the 18 months since then, I've realized that while her being truly happy is probably unlikely in the long term (unless she ever decides to actually look at herself), her stability and contentment are very much in the best interests of our kids - and so that's what I wish for her.
I always remember something my sister told me early on in this whole business: the opposite of love is not hate...the opposite of love is indifference.
Nice post, jagged. I'm trying to get to where you seem to be. Not easy, though.
Infidelity is traumatic. I feel every betrayal and lie after dday is a secondary trauma. Unless you've walked in these trenches, you really don't know.
Thank you so much for being there for me once again! Today I woke up and reminded myself of the abundance of blessings in my life … SI is on the top of that list!
The girls told me their dad is taking them to Dreamworld (a water park in another state). It stung for a bit but then I remembered what a pain in the arse he was about outings, how he hates crowds etc. etc. I still feel sad that my girls are going without me.
Hearing anything about them is like having contact.
My friend at work sat me down on a Monday morning and gently told me because she didn't want me to be blindsided. She had seen them shopping for an engagement ring the day before.
I was devastated. We weren't even divorced yet, and the day he was shopping for her engagement ring was our 30th wedding anniversary.
I edit often because my tablet is possessed!
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
It didn't really phase me after all of the times that the whore spent at his house when we were separated.
They deserve each other. Jagoffs.
(((Dmari))) It sucks. It just takes forever to get to the place of unsuck/sucks less.
I guess this was good practice for when I actually have to see them. We live on an island so chances are high we will one day bump in to each other.
I'm feeling better than yesterday so I feel thats good progress. I think I'm re-grieving my losses.
I purposely didnt look at FB or her sickening blog that I was alerted to, but i got hit anyway with some pretty hurtful info about them early on. The worst was that they went on an exotic vacation before I even filed for D. I was in shock. Then I heard that they were roaming around my building at work holding hands. Again, before my body was even cold. I was floored and so hurt. I honestly don't know how I got through those days.
Then, I started to hear other things that made it real clear that this was not a match made in heaven. They try to present a happy life, but it obviously sucks. There are lots of examples I could give of the suckiness that is them. For our purposes here, its enough to say that its clear to everyone that they suck. She's not a version of me. She doesn't even come close to a version of me. And he doesn't even come close to the version of the husband I thought I had. He's now as much of a non factor as he can be with still having to raise kids together. She will always be nothing.
The bottom line is that the sparkly facade is usually nothing more than desperate attempts on both of their parts to validate their vile behavior. As Sad in Az always points out, they don't stay together because it's xanadu. They stay together most times because they are clinging to a bad bad choice out of shame. If they don't at least put on the show, they let the rest of the world in on the secret that they left the best thing they will ever have for nothing.