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Will I ever trust again?

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She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 08:11 AM

I knew after my divorce.....and after the fog had cleared after I had dated disasterously too soon after my divorce....that dating would mean more of using my head...than my heart....and going into each situation with my eyes wide open. I knew this and know this now.

However, I find that I seem to question everything. I tend to analyze every situation and almost dig for the inevitable red flags that I believe are hiding just beneath the surface of seemingly great appearing dating candidates.

I have a guy friend I call "Massage guy" and he posted on Facebook yesterday that he has officially made it 2 years sober without a drop of alcohol. I'm so very proud of him. I haven't dated him out of my fear of a relapse... plus a few other things that are usually dealbreakers for me (one - he doesn't drive because he would have to have some odd breathalyzer contraption put in his vehicle from the insurance company installed and he can't afford it so he bums rides, runs, takes the bus or a cab) and two....he is a chain smoker and I've never smoked a day in my life. (I apologize to all smokers, I come from a smoking family but it still bothers me)

So, here is my problem. I thought about just hanging out with him and maybe giving him a chance. Thinking maybe I am being too picky because other than those 2 things...he is really amazing! He works 2 jobs - one is a professional massage therapist. He is a great father to his 8 year old son. He met my daughter at a friends cookout by accident (it was a hasher event and he is also a hasher) and she took to him like I've never seen her take to a man which kinda warmed my heart because she doesn't usually like men AT ALL! But, that's beside the point... he seems like the opposite....personality wise of the guys I typically date.... very shy....reserved....not cocky or self-absorbed.

Here is my problem. I invited him to go run with me tonight with my team after work and offered to pick him up. Last night he said to get him at his house. This morning he texts me and says "Oh, I forgot that I'm dog sitting 'for a friend' could you pick me up AND drop me off there?" He tells me where this is and I remember that its a girls house that we had dropped him off at after the Anny hash event (when then he said he just wanted to use her washer/dryer cause he lives with a married couple in an apartment).....um.....

I don't have any guy friends that I'm THAT close with that I would pet sit for or "just drop by" to do laundry......

Is it bad that I'm already not believing this girl is "just a friend" or maybe she is.... with some side benefits of some sort.

I know it shouldn't matter to me. Its not like we are dating or sleeping together or anything like that. But, I just don't know if I can deal with his many "friends" of the opposite sex.... Or maybe this is just underlying trust issues that I need to work on within myself..... maybe both. IDK.

Go ahead with the 2x4's.... I can take it.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:14 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

FaithFool posted 11/6/2013 08:23 AM

You're bargaining She11y.

If you want to be a chauffeur, then upgrade your license, learn to drive a limo and get paid for it in your spare time.

ETA you couldn't pay me to go to a chain-smoking massage therapist.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:50 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 08:58 AM

Okay....maybe I'm being harsh on the phrase "chain smoker." My dad is a chain smoker....and this guy doesn't smoke CONSTANTLY... so maybe he's not THAT bad... but I get what you are saying.

I am justifying and bargaining. I think sometimes when you have been alone for so long, you think that maybe you are being TOO picky. That maybe you are nit picking too much to the point where no man (or woman) will ever live up to your standards or be good enough to satisfy you.

Maybe the sea of frogs that we are swimming in is just that...... a sea of frogs..... and the goal is find one with as few warts as possible? IDK.... UGH...

She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 09:50 AM

I'm thinking about just cancelling on the run tonight. My sister told me she wasn't feeling well this morning anyways.... and I feel bad that she still is willing to watch Piper so I can run. Maybe this whole thing is just a lost cause.

Its all just so frustrating and slightly depressing.

9.10.11 posted 11/6/2013 10:03 AM

She11y, to trust again has it's risks and rewards. We have all been burned....bad. The risk is to get hurt again, the reward is to have a great relationship. I told myself that I wanted to take the risk because I could see a great reward in the future. BUT!!! I have had a couple of those times where I noticed something that was "odd" to me and i got hot, sweaty, and just flat out mad. I confronted it right when it happened. Turns out my fears were wrong. i was so glad I talked to her about it. It saved alot of anger and sleepless nights.

Will you, or I, ever trust again? Yes, but probably not 110%. Will there be "triggers", probably. Do I want to avoid all pain again......oh hell no! The reward is just too sweet.

I really like the frog analogy. We all have warts/"uniqueness". Would be boring if we were all the same.

found a great quote, imho. "Accept the things which fate hands you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." - Marcus Aurelius

She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 10:39 AM

found a great quote, imho. "Accept the things which fate hands you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." - Marcus Aurelius

Okay..... I will be brave and compromise. I will go to the run tonight... and have fun with Rick "as friends" for now. At the very least I can make a good friend out of this maybe...

Crescita posted 11/6/2013 11:06 AM

There are a lot of things here that give me pause. If you think learning to trust is an issue, start with that. Itís not him, this casual acquaintance that you need to have faith in though, it is you. Learn to trust your gut.

Itís easy to get caught in a trap of blaming the past, so letís look at this more objectively. Imagine it is a good friend or a full grown Piper asking for your opinion on whether or not they are being too pickyÖ

Recovering alcoholic/drunk driver, canít afford to drive, heavy smoker, lives with a married couple ??? Maybe Iím being too harsh, but if he has an 8 year old son, youíd think heíd find a more appropriate living situation. If this is a temporary, fallen on hard times thing, is this a good time for him to be pursuing a relationship? Does it sound like his priorities are in order?

Not saying he is a bad guy, just not independent enough to be able to contribute as a partner should.

She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 11:22 AM

Not saying he is a bad guy, just not independent enough to be able to contribute as a partner should

I agree wholeheartedly on everything you said. He has partial custody of his son and only sees him every other weekend. I think all of the things you stated above are my main reasons for NOT allowing it to go past the "friend zone" and it most likely never will.

ladies_first posted 11/6/2013 12:04 PM

I thought about just hanging out with him and maybe giving him a chance.

Is it bad that I'm already not believing this girl is "just a friend" or maybe she is.... with some side benefits of some sort. I know it shouldn't matter to me. Its not like we are dating or sleeping together or anything like that. But, I just don't know if I can deal with his many "friends" of the opposite sex....

Whoa, Nellie!!

You've built up a lot of EXPECTATIONS in your head.

I invited him to go run with me tonight with my team after work and offered to pick him up.

Then all he "owed" you was a yes-or-no answer about one run. He said yes, and provided you pickup directions. How, again, did his relationship status become your trust issue?

Trust issues are yours alone. Sorry kiddo, this is one for you and IC to take a good, hard look at.

Spirit13 posted 11/6/2013 12:04 PM

He is a super hard worker and works 2 jobs and STILL doesn't have enough money to have his own place? He has to live with a married couple and then bum laundry off of friends? I think that is weird on its own.

This guy just sounds like a bad risk. Honestly, just because he posted that he was alcohol free for 2 years doesn't mean he was.

You can expect him to be doing laundry at your place next......

HeartStings posted 11/6/2013 14:10 PM

Other than being a serial killer, Ted Bundy was a great guy, too.

Darlin', this guy's red flags are not hiding beneath any surface, he is waving them with both hands!

Next....

She11ybeanz posted 11/6/2013 14:31 PM

I cancelled on him. I feel like an ass but I'm so stressed at work today anyways that I'm just not in a good mood and don't feel up to the group run anyways. Its for the best. He hasn't responded yet but I'm pretty sure he got my message.....

NWfleur posted 11/6/2013 23:06 PM

I say, trust your gut. I think women's intuition is usually SPOT ON. Mine has rarely failed me. What does your gut say? You seem a little ambivalent about this guy, whether it be his bad habits or wishy washy living situation, other women, etc. You deserve a smooth path with someone who has their act together. Go with what your intuition says...

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/7/2013 00:36 AM

A chain smoker who is also a runner?! What distances does he prefer... 20 yard sprints?!!!

Maybe refocus on people who already have their shit together. Clearly, this guy does not. There is no diamond in the rough here. Here's a secret. There never is. WYSIWYG.

Starting to choose people that are healthy and whole (meaning they don't smoke, have their own apartment, have a car, have a bank account, have one job which allows balance in their life, etc.) might help you seem less like you're swimming in a sea of frogs. I've never heard that saying before, but it's an uncomfortable image at many levels.

Surrounding yourself with healthy and whole might make it easier to trust, too, although I don't really believe that. It's a good idea anyway:)

She11ybeanz posted 11/7/2013 08:27 AM

Well, I have kept him in the "friend zone" for a reason. My gut has told me that romantically he wasn't right for me. Being attractive and sweet is all fine and dandy if you are 16 years old...but at 34, there are more things to consider! Especially at 34 and a single mom! I have my daughter to consider and when I date, I look at the person and ask myself if I could see them as a potential father figure around my child because she has never had a father and I don't want her to be around someone that would be a bad influence. Her donor has nothing to do with her.

I definitely don't want to repeat history. I've dated guys that seem to have their shit together but I usually don't make it past a 1st date. Poofers suck... but I'm in no rush. I've been single a year and a half now and I am getting used to it. Sometimes I wonder if I even really want to be in a relationship anymore. Maybe someday....but sometimes I like my freedom too much. And, I am SUPER picky now. I have to be.

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/7/2013 08:59 AM

^^^great perspective. Best to you.

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