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How do I just let go.

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Lucylu19 posted 11/6/2013 08:40 AM

It's been nearly 6 months since D day and it has been the toughest 6 months of my life. Here's my story briefly...
I found out my boyfriend of 10 years was cheating when I was 8 months pregnant on our 3rd child. He was serving overseas with the army and met a female solider from a different European country. She knew nothing about us. They had an affair for 3 months .. Then he returned home.
As soon as I discovered it.. He left and called her and told her everything and she still wanted to be with him even though I was about to give birth. They are still with each other and he speaks to her daily online and has visited her about 4 times. He treats me like absolute crap as if I'm the one that did this to the family and he has been saying from day one that I just need to get over it. He is now cutting the money he gives Me for the kids so he can afford to fly over to her.
We have court next week to sort the money out.

Anyway I know for a fact that I will never ever go near him again but I just really want him to see the hurt and pain he has caused to me and the kids.. But he doesn't seem to be pulling his head out of his arse anytime soon. It's driving me mad and I need to let go but just can't.
He has hurt me so much and I know in a few years I will look back as realise he has done me a favour but I just can't get there right now.
I've my hands full with 3 young kids and exams and not sure whether I can return to work or not.
I need to just let go.. But I can't help looking at their Facebook or whatsapp to see if they are online. And it's not healthy.
Please.. When does it get easier.. How can I just let go and move on. He isn't bothered about the kids anymore and this is driving me nuts aswell. I feel like I'm in this in my own and no one else is aware of what damage he has caused. The money he is giving will just about cover nappies baby milk. But he can't see that just that he needs to get over to see her.

The sooner I stop caring what he does .. The better it will be for me. Any advise please.

Ostrich80 posted 11/6/2013 08:51 AM

Oh I'm so sorry, can't imagine what your going through. I have no advice on how to let go as it seems I haven't done it myself...yet. So he's openly seeing her? and taking $ from your family to Di it? Geez. So has he insinuated your supposed to aceeot this A? Is he living in your home or has he moved out? I hope someone comes along to give you proper advice. Just wanted to say welcome to SI and congrats on the new babe

Raven96 posted 11/6/2013 09:07 AM

It will come. His actions will make that easier for you as time goes on.

Please make sure you make it known at your court date where his money has gone and where his priorities are not. I can't imagine a judge would look kindly on a man that abandons his financial responsibility to his children.

I will hope for things to go your way for the support money. Make sure that you get a SET schedule of child support set this hearing if possible. The sooner you have earnings you can depend on the sooner you can start to move on with your life.


Lucylu19 posted 11/6/2013 09:43 AM

Thanks for your replies.. Yes he is seeing her openly enough but seemingly doesn't talk about her to the lads in work. His sister has just become her friend on Facebook and this winds me up as his family haven't been in contact with me in months.

We are in mediation for access and he said that he can't afford to maintain his lifestyle if he keeps giving me money. And he will just stop paying the mortgage. He on the other hand is telling me to adjust my lifestyle seen as though he's not there! I've never been a spender anyway always budget and all my belts are tightened already. I always looked after the finances.

I'm really hoping monday is a new beginning and I know where I can go from there. I want to sort out the access as well so there are no more arguments. He is constantly not able to see the kids coz of work and also wants a weekend off once a month to "move on with his life" even though he only has them only Friday over night.
His priorities are definitely f"cked!

Oh and meant to say he is out of the house living in a room in his mothers so when he comes to see te kids I have to leave my own house. But it's the best for the kids.

[This message edited by Lucylu19 at 9:49 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 11/6/2013 10:32 AM

A weekend off?? So he wants you to adjust your spending while your caring for 3 children that he's not really seeing like he should. Oh man, he is SO going to regret this selfish behavior. When fantasy land blows up in his face, I hope you will have moved on and he can feel the pain he's inflicted on his family. Geez that makes me so sad.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 10:34 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 11/6/2013 13:19 PM

Are you a homeowner, and if so, is his name on the mortgage? If it is, he must pay half of the mortgage and a judge will rule on to your attorney.
Since you are not legally married, check your state for common law marriage.
If you have a common law marriage, you have every right to contact his chain of command and inform them that he is not providing for you or the kids. If you are married by common law, he HAS to give you any BAH, basic allowance for housing, he is receiving.
Good luck Monday with court. I hope you are able to get the $$ you deserve.

ladies_first posted 11/6/2013 15:48 PM

But I can't help looking at their Facebook or whatsapp to see if they are online.

Yes, you can and must stop stalking both of them Facebook or whatsapp.

Energy follows Attention!

Detachment will start when you stop adding fuel to the fire.


tara1110 posted 11/6/2013 17:09 PM

Lucylu we kinda have the same situation. My husband was on deployment and met another girl overseas, had the 2 week affair and now they are in a long distance relationship. It has been 3.5 months for me and I also found myself stalking their FB accounts, but I STOPPED because it only made me feel worse. We have a 2 yr old son. He has moved out 2 weeks ago but he still spends a lot of time in the house until our son goes to bed. Of course I still love him despite what he did... Unfortunately we just cant change our feelings overnight ( or after 3 months).

He is madly inlove with this OW and they both profess their love for each other on FB ( by the way it is his New FB account) he is scheduled for deployment again in January at the same place and they just can't wait to be together again... While my world is in shambles and me and my son will be left alone, and I am also in financial distress trying to stretch every penny I have.

Enough about my story. I want you to know that you're not alone. I go to IC and the most important thing that you need to do is to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Stop obsessing about him and the girl. Hard to do but you have to stop stalking their FB.. Trust me you'll feel a little better. I have to admit I still find myself being caring for him sometimes but I need to stop doing it for myself and for my son.

I am also new to this but right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I couldn't give the a lot or the best advice but right now, stop checking their FB accounts.


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