Wife and I have been married for 11 years, 2 kids 5 yrs old. Over the last 2 months, my wife and I have been discussing our marriage. It has been the worst 2 months of my life. First, she admitted to being an escort for 6 months before she was severely injured, went to rehab, changed her life, and met me. Later, she admitted to having a one night stand one week before our 2nd anniversary. In the same sentence, she admitted to kissing a coworker 1.5 years ago. Something didn't seem right. Bottom line, through TT, she admitted to dozens of ONS with friends and coworkers throughout our marriage. I knew she was lying about most of this. Then she admitted to multiple versions of sex for drugs 4 years ago. These were elaborate stories. The final version seemed to be that she got back into crack-cocaine (which I never knew she did before). She admitted to having sex for crack for about 6 months.
I was devastated. Still, some of her details did not add up. We have gone to see 3 different counselors, including her psychiatrist. We went to our pastor and his wife. I even taped her confessing some of these things to her friend.
Now she is saying she made most of it up. I will admit that I have confirmed that some of these things did not happen. But I am at a total loss here. Why would someone who is genuinely remorseful make up all of these horrible facts (with extreme detail). She says she doesn't know why she lied. That sounds like total BS.
Now I am being tortured. I know in my head that some of these things didn't happen. But I am stuck thinking about them. Part of me thinks that the only reason you lie, is because there is something far worse that you don't want the other to know.
Also, I am stuck thinking about the PA she did have, the emotional affair she had 1.5 yrs ago with coworker, and her escorting days (which she admits to). We are talking 80-100 clients over a 6 month timeframe.
I have to decide what to do about the things I know happened, but my question for now is...
Has anyone ever seen a case where a spouse made up infidelities on top of the ones that did happen? What gets me is she admitted to sleeping with first guy and kissing EA coworker in the same sentence. I know the kiss didn't happen. So who confesses to cheating on their spouse and throws in another one on top of it that didn't happen? It is driving me freaking crazy.
I am sorry I can't be of much help. I just wanted you to know that you have been heard.
Don't worry someone will be around to help. I am sure people are just trying to think of the right thing to say.
Draw boundaries. Mine would start with rehab, whether she is actively involved in drugs or not, if she hasnít effectively rehabbed itís just a matter of time. My guess is there might be abuse in her past or some major traumatic event she is running from. You need to make sure she is not able to do motre damage.
I think your bigger issues are whether she is capable of telling the truth and why did not tell the truth. It sounds like she has told this tale to multiple parties (two different counsellors, psychiatrist, pastor, friends). I am not an expert but this seems like extreme behaviour to me. What is her reaction when you/counsellor/psychiatrist ask her about her lies? Does she have an explanation?
2. Got tested. HIV free, but some tests come back tomorrow (Chlamydia)
3. Haven't seen a lawyer, but I know my rights. She admitted to some doctor shopping behavior. I told her that if we divorce, it is full custody or she goes to jail.
4.Seen a counselor twice. It does help.
5.Had her taken off accounts 2 years ago when she was struggling with addiction.
6.I am a recovering addict. We met because we worked at a rehab together (same organization, different cities). I know she is an addict, and I could handle that. I think I could even handle the things she admits now are true, but I can't see myself healing from this if I can't understand why she has been lying in such horrific fashion. It just creates doubt for me. Did she lie about all of it? Is she hiding more? She does seem genuine now. Part of the problem the last 2 months is my gut was telling me she was lying, but I thought she was hiding more, not making it up.
I was hoping someone had seen this before or something. What causes an otherwise rational person to tell their spouse these horrible things? I could understand I none of it happened and she had a mental illness. I'm sorry. Just having a mental breakdown here. Imagining my wife doing the things she described in detail over the last month has really broken me. And now I'm supposed to feel all better because it wasn't true? That's partly how she feels. Ohm but she did cheat on me. And she was an escort. Oh MY GOD. Just that fact alone could (should) be a deal breaker.
But that didn't last long.
I bounce between
A. no way she made all of that up
B. Jesus, she made all of that up. What a loon.
She has given me some reasons why she thinks she did it, but none of them strike me as genuine. She told me that maybe she was trying to hurt me. She was pushing me to see how much I could take. She started lying and each time I confronted her with it, she would dig deeper.
But these don't make sense to me. I told her on several occasions that we were getting a divorce, that she had been too used. I slept away from the house on one occasion and in a different room frequently during the last 2 months. Almost every day, she would ask for reassurances that I wasn't leaving her that day. "No separation, no divorce today?" I called her every horrible name in the book and have destroyed property and our bedroom wall one night. I am not normally a violent person and do not abuse her. I just couldn't take any more.
Your wife is an addict. Addicts lie. Now which things are lies are hard for us the loved ones of addicts to figure out and you will most likely never know for sure.
My son has told me things that were just so far fetched at times that they drove me insane wondering if they were true or not.
He told me once that a dr told him he has cancer. Now, I know he has problems, I know he has been to dr's and had many tests done. I know he probably has cancerous cells, but did the dr really tell him he has cancer? I don't know that and most likely my son doesn't either. He was high when he told me and he was probably high when he went to the dr.
Was you wife high when she told you all of these things? Maybe they are half truths and maybe she really doesn't know herself what is true if she was high when they happened.
Try to get your wife some help for her drug problem.
Thank whyme. It is good to hear that I am not emotionally abusive. I recorded my wife "confessing" a bunch of these lies to her friend. At one point, they did talk about what I had done was a form of abuse. (That really pissed me off. Kind of a cruel twist now).
Just given what I know is pretty horrifying. I knew she was promiscuous before we married. I didn't like it, but I loved her. I am sure finding out your wife was an escort would be a deal breaker for many. Deep down, I THINK I can eventually get over that. And the mind movies are still really bad. I think I asked for too much detail about the time she admits to having sex. Through some deductive reasoning I even know the damn date.
I feel like I am obsessed. I spend all day in my office or at home on this website, TAM and reddit reading about infidelity. I will be lucky if Im not eventually fired.
I did tell my boss/friend. Other than counselors, he was the only person I have shared this with. Partly cuz I wanted him to know why I am flaking out so bad. But also I needed to share with someone.
I know this is tough, and although each story varies, their are constants in each one that will help to set the groundwork for healing.
First, All infidelity involves lies, period. Its required for the deception to continue.
In my case, and it sounds like your too, it could be pathological. Liers lie, and the extremes vary.
Knowing that, only believe the facts that you can verify. Try and pass of the lies that you cant confirm.
Second, realize that an adulteress is made by one affair. Multiples are bad, but the facts are, once is enough and tells you what she is capable of.
Thirdly, you have the addiction. That's a compounding issue, because addicts will do whatever is necessary to get high.
I would ask that you don't over-think this by trying to add up the affairs or wrongs in each case, just recognize that there are three issues to deal with; Lies, Infidelity and addiction.
In my opinion, reconciling with one issue is hard, dealing with three is impossible by yourself.
Get professional help for the both of you, and start setting up a support structure of friends and family for yourself and kids.
Recognize that you cant fix this, period. SHE has to want to do it, and SHE has to do the work.
Also realize that you need to make alternate plans for your own healing and future, not based on her. Seek counseling, protect your kids, and separate your finances.
Take care of your mental, physical and emotional health, for your children's sake. Realize that you are a single parent now, at least until she gets her stuff together.
And, just in my opinion, set a timeline of required behaviors you consider deal-breakers.
Stick to your guns, and don't bend any lines.
And remember, everyone here is here for you if you need advice, or just need to vent.
The commonality is your wife has serious mental issues, requires counseling/IC and likely medication, as well as the desire to change if there is to be any improvement in your relationship.
Some people with this are simple compulsive liars and have used this as a form of attention mechanism (along with the infidelity) to fill deep holes dug by family/upbringing issues and trauma. Others, it might be personality disorder, such as borderline, narcissistic or (hopefully not) antisocial personality disorder.
Other times, it can be a light form of schizophrenia where they suffer memory distortions and/or auditory or visual hallucinations. Have you had arguments with her about situations as short as in the last 2 weeks where she recalls things drastically different from you?
The list goes on and on... but the one common point is your wife needs to identify/understand her issues 100% AND be willing to get the help she needs. And even at that, you will be in for a long haul of these behaviors so YOU have to decide if you're going to be up to the task also or simply cut and run for your well being! (Believe me, if it's a PD, you might be wiser to high tail and cut your losses now...).
Good luck no matter what!
I have seen this behavior up close and personal although it didn't have anything to do with infidelity.
Wild lies so above and beyond any possible realm of normalcy and for what? Absolutely nothing. Not even extra attention as far as I can see although they were probably hoping for it but the lies were too wild to be taken seriously. Yes, I absolutely knew they were not true.
I also saw this type of behavior up close and personal and it did have to do with infidelity but there were clear reasons for all the wild lies...attention getting and husband stealing.
One case is confirmed over multiple times, borderline personality disorder and the other, I'm sure, will come back the same.
I'm not trying to arm chair diagnose but something is clearly not alright here and it sounds like it goes beyond addiction although I'm sure that's more than enough.
My thoughts are with you as you sort this out.