My struggles, I love my DH for the life we have built together, our 4 children and as my friend. DH is a handsome man, but he put on a lot of weight so I lost my attraction for him, compounded by the attraction for my AP. My DH has issues, but he is not like this all the time. It is more isolated than a recurring issue. He is doing the work to address his issues and I see a lot of progress. But I have not felt that chemistry for my DH in years, even prior to the affair. I knew that if the AP was out of my life, I had a chance of resurrecting the feelings for DH as there is more good than there is bad.
I have not told my counselor or my DH about my affair. I struggle with the guilt I feel over the secret. If my DH knew, he would never forgive me and I know his “mean side” would come out. It is out of fear that I keep it from him. I had a girlfriend who I could talk to about this but she stopped talking with me when I reconciled with my DH in June.
I miss xAP, think about him all the time but I am not making contact. I know he is seeing other people now, makes me sad but I am also happy for him. Ladies, I am struggling. I don’t want to contact xAP, I want to move beyond it. Words of wisdom…
As for the A, what is it that is holding you back from telling your counselor?
Your story is very concerning. Physical abuse to your children is just unacceptable. Please, get out of that home for good.
Normally I would suggest to confess your A to your BH but I would fear for your safety. However I will suggest for you to be honest with your counsellor. What's the point of spending the money and time away from your kids, if you aren't laying it all on the table.
I know I need to tell my therapist so she has the full picture. She knows my husband as well so she knows my concerns and is concerned for me as well. In my marriage, work and relationship with xAP, I did not address issues for a long time, I withdrew instead. My therapist is helping me to act more courageous, hold boundries. I have grown alot since I started seeing her. Talking about the affair outloud when I have kept it secret for so long is very frightening. But I also feel I need to talk about it in order to move on.
I returned to my husband out of fear before. Part of me does want to tell him about the affair. It was the combination of the issues in the marriage and the affair that turned me away from him. I keep trying to engage, but it feels so fake but I am still scared to do anything else. Then I think if I really do get xAP out of my system then I can move on. But how????
If you feel fake in your M, I'm still not sure why you returned? I understand fear, and that your H had been abusive which can cause a lot of security issues. I also understand that the A was a bandaid to make you feel better. Instead of dealing with issues, you went with AP. OK, but you state you have seen a 'better' relationship because of it. I would think you would want that, instead of more abuse. And for your children as well.
I'm sad for you. Paralyzing fear is really hard and heartbreaking. Please, tell your counselor about the A. She cannot tell anyone else, and she can help you so much more if she knows your whole story.
Please stay safe.
You need to think really hard about this. Really hard about the likely scenarios. I would suggest that if you do really decide to stay with your BH, you are going to have to tell him, possibly in a MC setting. Because the likelihood of him finding out later is quite real. And now, while you both are supported by councilors, seems to be the safest time. If he finds out later, it seems quite likely that he will think that he's been made a fool of by making such great changes in his life (if indeed he does make them), and attack you for that. I would urge you to consider that.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Intensive IC - every other week for 3 years. My IC kicked my ass - pushed me really hard, wouldn't accept half ass answers, challenged me on my bullshit, and gave me precisely what I needed to heal and change. I wouldn't be where I am today without her - she saved me from myself.
It took about a year to really get to the nucleus of my issues. In that time, she gave me tools but really, I wasn't ready to use them. It was when I hit my own year 2 that I was open and willing. If you're not open & willing, it doesn't matter what tools you are given because you won't use them.
In my case, what's been most effective is the loving relationship I have with MYSELF. I am honest with myself about myself. I love me. I remind myself of my value and worth. I squash negative self-talk. I reinforce positive thinking as much as possible. I validate myself so that I don't need to seek it elsewhere. I am also very realistic.
You can do this - just keep doing the work. It's going to be extremely painful at times, but don't quit. You owe it to yourself.
I have been going to counseling but filtering what I put out for discussion. I feel like this big secret is trying to crawl out of my body.
Detoxing from AP, that is a good term. I still had access to some of his accounts so I was able to see what he was doing. Wrong, awful, soul-sucking I know, and I need to stop. I am allowing it to make me insane.