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Update: Working with OW again and ridiculousness

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heartbroken2012 posted 11/6/2013 09:47 AM

So I posted recently saying my WH got word that OW was going to be working in his group. He promised me this wouldnt happen. He said he was going to talk to his boss, and higher. As of Monday I was getting nervous he wasnt going to...since the move is December and he hadnt done anything.

Update: WH spoke to his boss (new boss since he got transferred once to avoid OW). Told hiss boss everything - that it was a year ago, he told his former boss, I knew, they are NC, he transferred b/c of that etc. He said he cannot and will not work with her. Boss told him he would talk to the supervisors and former boss and see what he could do about getting the OW transferred to somewhere NOT move into the group. It helps that WH's current boss used to work with OW and had issues with her. So he is going to try.

So I am happy that my Wh is taking intiative and trying to do everything he can to stop him and the OW from working together. I am happy he is trying. He told me afterwards that he will willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel happy and comfortable and to try and make up for what he did.

So I am happy....BUT today we met for break and he told me that his boss is having a female co worker come over after mid day and help with special projects. We knew that this female might have to come over to his workplace to work. I hate that, and most of the time it doesnt happen. Today he told me that she was coming mid day. I was not happy. Since the A I am very uncomfortable with him working with females. I KNOW...this is a unrealistic hope. So i guess I got mad and was asking why she was coming over, and what special projects were they working on together, and told him how i felt with him working with a woman.

He said what he did was a year ago, and that not everyone is the same (meaning she might not be a cheater). BUT I have heard rumors about this girl that she does cheat on her bf, and to top it off she is friends (not real good friends) with the OW. He said I need to trust him and that he isnt going to cheat again. Ever. I told him I didnt trust him, and I will never blindly trust him again, and that trust is earned and he doesnt get to tell me when I should trust. He said that I think so low of him, and he can see that now, and that I shouldnt accuse and raise my voice at him over something he cant help, and being mean to him at break.

Did i overreact?

PS> My aunt says that if he is going to cheat again...he will...there is nothing that I can do to stop it, and if he IS going to...wouldnt I want to have him do it sooner rather than later. I guess I am just trying to protect myself and try and prevent him from doing it again.

Im so confused and hurt, and thinking maybe I take it out on him too much when he is trying?!

heartbroken2012 posted 11/6/2013 10:05 AM

I guess what's bothering me is that before he told me that girl was working with him, he told me that in their staff meeting she told him about some news she heard that is happening with their jobs (hours etc). So i asked him if he sat by her in the meeting and why did she tell him.

He says that he never talks to them (girls0 in his group and isnt friends with them, but this gives me the impression that he DOES talk to them and is friendlier than he lets on....maybe not too friendly, but still. it bothers me.

He threatened to not tell me anything if I was going to act like that and I was making him feel guilty when he hasnt done anything.

rachelc posted 11/6/2013 10:12 AM

He threatened to not tell me anything if I was going to act like that and I was making him feel guilty when he hasnt done anything.

blameshifting, deflecting, and gigantic red flag that you're not a team working on reconciliation.

confused615 posted 11/6/2013 10:20 AM

He has spent a lot of time in "R" telling you to get over it..being angry with you..running hot and cold...refusing to talk about it..etc.

Now he is threatening to not tell you things that he absolutely should tell you. It makes him mad that you get angry and don't trust him? Boohoo.

He shouldn't have cheated then...affairs have consequences. However, had he not wasted the last year since dday telling you this is basically your issue to get over and being inconvenienced by your pain, I have a feeling you would be a lot further along in your healing by now. That you still have absolutely no trust in him is not your is his.

Ostrich80 posted 11/6/2013 10:52 AM

I agree with the others but, I have a problem with your aunts remark. She's wrong, not everyone cheats again, some do not.
Has your aunt been through infidelity before? Is she kind of advising you in a negative way? I guess I'm trying to say if she's been hurt, she might be fueling your anxiety with your ws.

WhatsRight posted 11/6/2013 11:11 AM

I thought she said that the aunt said that IF he was going to cheat again, it would with or without a female coworker. And I agree with her. It is why I don't try to put my WH in a box and try to control him. I feel like no matter what I do, IF he is going to cheat again, he will.

heartbroken2012...I would never tell someone in "our" shoes (BS) that they are overreacting. But I do see several instances in this situation where your husband is making efforts to respect and consider your feelings. Of course, I am not in your shoes and don't know all of the past.

One mistake I know I make a lot is to be quite blunt. I wonder (for myself) as well as in this situation of yours, if you couldn't say "I want to trust, but I am still having a hard time trusting you" rather than "I don't trust you!". Sometimes, tack and tone mean everything.

I pray this turns out positively.

heartbroken2012 posted 11/6/2013 12:23 PM

Thank you!

I need to try and trust more. I guess there was a change and the female co-worker isnt working in the building today anymore.

He is trying to make an effort, but he will say things like I am his wife and he knows he loves me and he never forgets im his wife.

I dunno...Im a mess lately since this was the month the A started a year ago.

I feel so hurt still.

StillLivin posted 11/6/2013 13:10 PM

he will say things like I am his wife and he knows he loves me and he never forgets im his wife

This hit a nerve with me. My STBXWH used to tell me the same nonsense about knowing he was my husband (in reference to him not always wearing his wedding ring). Well his words meant nothing when he fornicated with Shrek the Slut, concidentally while he wasn NOT wearing his wedding ring. His actions were what contradicted his words.
No, I don't think you overreacted. However, at some point you are going to have to accept that you cannot control him if he chooses to cheat again. Your aunt made a good point, in that you would rather not waste precious years if he is going to cheat. Yes, better it be sooner than later, but best if he didn't cheat at all. His words, meh, mean nothing. Keep watching his actions. Listen to that. Also, he threatened you with non compliance in transparency. For me, that would be a deal breaker. I would've shown him the door and told him if he really felt that way, pack or I'll toss your shit out myself.
Was there a consequence for threatening you with nontransparency? I hope so.

StillLivin posted 11/6/2013 13:13 PM

Oh, and another point. His threatening is a control tactic. That is NOT a good sign when trying to R. It shows true R is not 100%.
Sometimes it is just a habit of trying to control that they still need to work on, but sometimes it means his selfishness is showing you who he still is.

painfulpast posted 11/6/2013 15:35 PM

I agree with StillLivin - this may be a habit. Also, and this is NOT justification for threatening you with hiding things - it is very difficult, if not impossible, to go to work and not talk to members of the opposite sex. If he tries too hard, he may start to look like the office freak. Picture it - he sits down at the staff meeting. The woman that told him about the hours walks in and sits down two seats from him (or next to him) and begins talking to him and another person or two, as in very common in these settings. He, in order to comply with the marriage agreements, puts his head down and does not respond. How many times can this happen before he becomes known as some kind of crazy man that hates women? He's a bit stuck in certain circumstances.

Regardless, he should not have threatened to not be transparent. There are other ways to speak to you, regardless of how you're speaking to him (as this was an issue for him). You didn't meet him with these issues - he brought them into the relationship and he needs to own that.

Ostrich80 posted 11/7/2013 11:12 AM

I thought she said that the aunt said that IF he was going to cheat again, it would with or without a female coworker.

Oops, your right, I missed the "if"

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