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rbf1234 posted 11/6/2013 11:03 AM

Advice needed.

Having trouble with the same old conversation.

What is weighing me down these days is trying to understand what my husband has felt and is capable of feeling for me – in the past, present and future. Because obviously, the passion I felt for him was unrequited for a long time to a degree that I still find shocking. So I am trying to understand what he did/can in fact feel.

When I ask about this, I think I hope that he will say things about how much he loved me once upon a time, how much he loves me now that he sees me more clearly, how much he will be able to love me in the future once he deals with his issues.

Instead he talks about himself. How alienated he felt. How he wanted to come back to me in order to be the man he wanted to be. How he is trying to be a better person. All of which are important issues, but they are not on point to what is breaking my heart. And he gets frustrated when I try to redirect the conversation.

I am worried that while he wants to do everything he can to preserve the family and the stability of his home life, whatever love/passion for me he might once have been capable of got used up/washed away during the adverse events that plagued our life over the past 20 years. (It was as bad as a Russian novel, without the starvation.)

So the questions are: Is his inability to talk about how he feels about me an admission that he doesn’t have it/isn’t capable of great love for me? Is he just so absorbed by himself that he can only talk about his own problems/how he feels about himself? Or are we just having a failure to communicate/understand each other because we think about these issues so differently?

Thanks in advance.

Razor posted 11/6/2013 12:23 PM

Sadly allot of us deal with these issues.

It would be nice to know if we really are their FIRST choice when it comes to a partner. But we wonder if the LTA ended because the AP would not commit to our WS or if it ended because our WS woke up to what they were at risk of loosing.

It would be nice if our WS had some empathy for the destruction they brought to us. Instead my WW tells me that she wont do *that* again because of what it put her through.

It would be nice if our WS had real remorse that we could see and feel. My WW doesnt seem to have this.

It would be nice to know if our WS clings to *happy* memories of their LTA. Theres no way of knowing if they do or not because if they do its unlikely they would tell us.

It all comes down to the fact that we can never know what is in another persons mind and heart. All we have to go by are actions and of course actions (like words) can be contrived.

It seems as if your WS is all wrapped up in himself and is blaming you for him feeling alienated in the relationship.

In the end we can not make our WS think or feel or say or do the things we feel we need to rebuild ourself. They either do these things on their own or they dont. And we are left to decide if it is enough.

ladies_first posted 11/6/2013 12:46 PM

When I ask about this, I think I hope that he will say things about how much he loved me once upon a time, how much he loves me now that he sees me more clearly, how much he will be able to love me in the future once he deals with his issues.

Are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages concept?
*Words of Affirmation
*Physical Touch
*Quality Time
*Acts of Service
*Receiving Gifts

From the quote above, it looks like you need verbal affirmation from WH. Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic.

Communication is vital in any successful partnership, and the 5LL concept may be an easier sell to a wayward because the primary focus is NOT the affair, rather the giving and receiving love.

Take the 5LL test online and peruse the book. You may be pleasantly pleased to discover that your WH is showing love when he fills you car's gas tank and brings you coffee in bed on weekends ... but you may need "Words of Affirmation" to fill your love tank. Crossed wires perhaps? And not a dead battery?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 12:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

EaglesWings posted 11/9/2013 17:31 PM

I too struggle with getting WH to communicate verbally. If I ask he says he loves me, but never spontaneously offers those words. This week asked him if he was in the M because he wants to be or because it's easier than leaving. He didn't "know how to answer that." Enough said....

He had EA, planned and tried to take it to PA but she rebuffed his advance. That's when he told me it was over. However it went under ground for another month, until I told her she needed to cut him off or I would fire her sorry little a**, and explain to her hubby exactly why. She needs her job and unfortunately is a good employee, AND I didn't want a sexual harrassment lawsuit to deal with, so she cut him off and stayed with our company. At the time it felt right, helped move him out of the fog, but now I am left wondering who he'd have chosen if I had let things play out. Will never know.