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Ihtoiltm posted 11/6/2013 12:33 PM

I have a couple of questions for WS's...

What steps did you take to help you uncover your issues and reasons for your affair?

How long did it take you to get in touch with this information and what tools were most beneficial for you?

I feel that I am well on my way to knowing, dealing with and working through my issues but I want to be sure that I leave no stone unturned.

MissesJai posted 11/6/2013 13:14 PM

Intensive IC - every other week for 3 years. My IC kicked my ass - pushed me really hard, wouldn't accept half ass answers, challenged me on my bullshit, and gave me precisely what I needed to heal and change. I wouldn't be where I am today without her - she saved me from myself.

It took about a year to really get to the nucleus of my issues. In that time, she gave me tools but really, I wasn't ready to use them. It was when I hit my own year 2 that I was open and willing. If you're not open & willing, it doesn't matter what tools you are given because you won't use them.

In my case, what's been most effective is the loving relationship I have with MYSELF. I am honest with myself about myself. I love me. I remind myself of my value and worth. I squash negative self-talk. I reinforce positive thinking as much as possible. I validate myself so that I don't need to seek it elsewhere. I am also very realistic.

You can do this - just keep doing the work. It's going to be extremely painful at times, but don't quit. You owe it to yourself.

Good luck.

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/6/2013 22:51 PM

You're well on your way to knowing what your issues are? Sweetheart, I've seen little evidence of that. What issues have you identified? External validation? Bzzzzt, sorry, that is incorrect! That's merely a symptom of a deeper, underlying issue.

Ihtoiltm, you're not giving us much to work with. Open up here on SI and people will help you. Our DDays are almost identical, but I get the impression you haven't overturned that many stones yet. What have you been doing these past six months?

You asked what steps it took.

1) BH not kicking me to the curb
2) SI
3) Reading
4) IC, weekly
5) Detoxing from the AP
6) All of the above, for about five months.

For me, reading was pivotal. Read everything you can get your hands on, until something makes sense, and then follow that thread to the end. For me, getting started was *easy* because I knew I had CSA damage that I'd never dealt with.

If you don't have a Kindle or iPad, some kind of electronic reading one. Think you can't afford it? Well, divorce is way more expensive, so suck it up and get one. Carrying around a book called "After the Affair" in public might be embarrassing, but reading it on a problem, you can do that at your son's soccer practice.

Then start buying books from, and reading them.

What have you read so far? Not Just Friends by Glass is recommended here often.

A book that might help you identify FOO issues is How We Love by Yerkovich. I'm no Freud, but I suspect, based upon your story, that you chose a friend of your dad's for a reason. Dad didn't pay much attention to you growing up? So, you fucked one of his friends. Talked about marrying him and raising your sons with him, for God's sake. "Notice me now, Dad? See me now, uhtred?"

SI, of course, has been a very beneficial tool. I read a lot of the healing library, kept up with almost every thread in Wayward, and peek into JFO and General to remind myself how BWs view a reminder of what I was, and what I'll never be again. I even peek into D/S once in awhile, because hammering out custody agreements in court? No thanks, not if I can help it.

I'll close with another point that was pivotal for me. Letting go of the outcome. No matter what I do, BH could still decide my As were a dealbreaker. When I recognized that I have to fix myself, for myself...not for him or anyone else...that is when I was really able to move forward. One day at a time.

harrypotter posted 11/7/2013 04:52 AM

Okay, I am honestly probably just getting to a point where I am making progress I am telling you this because I just don't think I am all the way there yet. I have done MC with my BW and it probably helped me more then my wife he asked some hard questions. However I was not in the same place then that I am now and can honestly say that it would be more helpful now, I am currently deployed in military and had to take a break until I get home. I have been on SI for probably 6 months. I started reading for about a week and thought some was good but that a lot of it was just angry desperate people that couldn't help me. So I started to not read much here and switched to the Bible, prayer and books I thought I needed. All of those things I did were good but I didn't know what I didn't know. I was in self preservation mode, I wasn't ready to face the bad about me I was to worried about what I had to lose. A couple months ago I started reading on SI more, my BS would also send me treads that expressed what she was going through and ones she thought I should read. I started to find people who are places further along then me and I gave up on the dream that I knew how to help myself, that's obviously not true. Eventually I started to actually take responsibility for what I did, not just saying it....i mean really take responsibility, which for me meant excepting the fact that no matter how good I am or what I do my wife may choose to leave, it was scary and hard and I have laid down on the floor crying more times then I know but I got there. That is important I think, because as long as you are protecting yourself, I don't think you can open up the bad stuff. My fear of losing my family and wife was keeping me from being honest with myself. I am lucky my wife is still here and she asks the hard questions, and she knows me and she has been strong enough to sit with me, talk with me, ask the hard stuff and because she knows me she is able to add a lot of insight because honestly my view of myself and how things were was just that MY VIEW. I do not know anyone who got the root of their problems fast, so my opinion is if you are early on in this you thinking that you are at the bottom of things is probably a stretch. I would encourage you to stay on SI, and be honest here, that's what it's for. The more I read the more I get involved the more I know I'm not going anywhere soon.

[This message edited by harrypotter at 4:58 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/7/2013 07:54 AM

I'm a work in progress

We're 2 years out.
I'm in IC and slowly working towards my whys.
Posting here has been really effective for me. Having the experience, and opinions, of so many people has been amazing.
I'm in recovery and I'm working the 12 steps.

It's been a slow process, but I'm steadily moving forward, One Day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

It's also been a learning process, we've had huge bumps in our road.
They have made me look at issues like My lack of boundaries, external validation, My issues with saying "No", Honesty, humility.
These are all places that I'm still growing.
I will never be done. I won't hit a point and say "I've arrived, I'm done working on myself."

When I recognized that I have to fix myself, for myself...not for him or anyone else..

THIS^^^ This was huge for me. I want to get better, no matter what happens in our relationship.

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