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Accepting my new reality

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Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 13:41 PM

My marriage counsellor told me that she feels I am stuck. That in order to heal and R I have to accept that this has happened to me and my marriage. But I can't. He couldn't have done this. I loved him soooo much. I admired, respected and adored him. I loved my life, my marriage, my three beautiful little girls. We had everything going for us. We hardly ever fought, we laughed, we did everything together. All his friends and family would tell him how lucky he was to have someone like me who loves all the same things he does. He couldn't have done this. Not too me, not to his little girls. Our girls were only 3,6 and 9 years old. I was only 32. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were happy. If I don't think about it, im okay. But if I stop and think about all the lies and him making love to another woman, I can't breathe and I sob. I still love him, but maybe a different love (not the to the moon and back kind like before)I know I want to R, he is extremely remorseful. But it doesn't help me accept it or stop the sadness. I want my old life back and I want to smile a real genuine smile again. I want to look at old pictures and feel the pride and love I used to feel not the sadness I feel now. I don't know what I did to deserve to have so many blessings in my life ripped away from me. I don't believe in love or faithfulness anymore. Im 9 months out from DDay, and the pain of what he did hurts just as badly.

ascian posted 11/6/2013 13:51 PM

What do you feel that you need in order to move forward?

devasted30 posted 11/6/2013 14:04 PM

I know exactly how you feel. In MC yesterday, I said the same thing. I will never forgive him but I need to accept that this has happened and I don't know how. Today I look around my house and know that we HAVE to move out of it - he entertained two of his girlfriends here. But, what do I take with me? Our bedroom suite - nope - one of them slept there with him. Use our spare bedroom suite - nope, the other one slept there with him. How about our kitchen dishes, nope - the first one stayed the weekend and cooked him meals etc and served them...used my bathroom - my soap etc etc etc. How in the Frig do you get through this and accept it. I don't know if I can accept it. Turns out my WS has played me for many many years and I don't know if I can do this R. I honestly don't know if I can do this R. So, I'm afraid I'd love to be able to tell you how, but I don't know either. And I have no clue what I or you need to get there. Hopefully, someone wiser than us can help.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 2:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 14:04 PM

That's just it, I don't think there's anything more my WH can do to show me he is remorseful and sorry. I just cannot believe this has happened. I have never considered cheating or lying to him. I really don't know what I need to move forward. I do feel stuck. I am only happy when I try very hard to not think about any details. The moment I do, I break down. I just hope that I can come to terms with what he did, so I can feel peace and my marriage can stand a chance.

ascian posted 11/6/2013 14:14 PM

Ok, let me try this a different way: What does "acceptance" mean to you?

(I am going somewhere with these short questions, but I don't want to prejudice your answers by putting my own words/thoughts into your mouth.)

lieshurt posted 11/6/2013 14:17 PM

There is nothing that says you must accept this new reality at all. For some, infidelity isn't something they could move on from and heal, so they ended up divorcing.

Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 14:26 PM

Acceptance to me means realizing that this has happened and being at peace with it so that I can move forward. But if I'm honest, a part of me thinks acceptance is letting him get away with this.

Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 14:29 PM

lieshurt: I agree but I do love him, and I really want this marriage to work. Before A, I always thought infidelity was a dealbreaker, but I also never thought it would happen to me.

devasted30 posted 11/6/2013 14:32 PM

BF7904 - exactly. I will never condone it and accepting it seems like I'm doing that. Yes, he is doing everything he possibly can to make this right, but I honestly don't know what else he could possibly do except "make it go away" "make it never have happened" I don't know if I love him - if I'm in love with who I thought he was or if I'm just scared to face a future that I had planned with him for over 29 years. I don't know who this man is anymore - who he ever was. How is that? How can that be? I'm not a stupid woman - my Therapist says I was "nave". I even have a hard time accepting that he has cheated on me for years and I didn't have a friggin clue. And our marriage was null and void in the intimacy dept. so no wonder he went looking elsewhere. I understand that. What I don't understand is why he would do it for so many years - why didn't he JUST FUUUUING LEAVE!!!

Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 14:38 PM

devasted30:I understand exactly how you feel. One of the hardest parts is wondering who this man is now. The man who did this and blatently disrespected my trust, my love and my body cannot be the same man I have spent the last 13 years with. I loved him soo much its hard to tell if that's what im holding onto, but it no longer (or maybe never did) exist.

Undefinabl3 posted 11/6/2013 14:40 PM

Acceptance to me means realizing that this has happened and being at peace with it so that I can move forward. But if I'm honest, a part of me thinks acceptance is letting him get away with this.

Ah....take out the 'being at peace with it' part.

Acceptance doesn't mean you have to make peace with it. It means that you need to admit to yourself that your husband did this to you and the girls and that now you are a different person.

Nowhere does it say you have to like it, or make immediate peace with it, or anything like that.

Also, the only way that he would 'not get away with it' is if you divorce him...and it sounds like that is not what you really want to do. You agreeing to work on R'ing with him isn't him getting away with it either, it's you giving the permission for healing to begin if possible. He has to EARN your trust back.

Its not the best analogy, but think of it like a huge dent in the car (the A). You take it to the body shop (MC) and they work on it and work on it, and the dent is gone. The accident still happened and the car will never be 100% the same, but the paint will match pretty close, but it is back to whole.

The affair will always be there, but if you open yourself to accepting that it happened and begin to work wtih MC, IC and your WS to help heal the hurt, then you could regain a new marriage.

crazyblindsided posted 11/6/2013 15:00 PM

Accepting my new reality was the hardest part for me. I will NEVER see my WH the same way again. He knows this and I know this and it hurts us both. On the other hand, he is striving to become a better person and a better husband to me and that is who I see today.

(((Butterfly7904))) It takes time to accept that something so hideous could have happened, let alone by the person who claims to love us the most. Be kind and gentle to yourself. I just recently started to accept that this happened and I am 20 months out from Dday. It takes a lot of time to process any trauma and infidelity is a major trauma.

rachelc posted 11/6/2013 15:13 PM

everything that was said above....
I'm afraid if I accept it, and I mean REALLY accept that he did this twice, I'll have to leave.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/6/2013 15:15 PM

Acceptance means realizing he stole from you. He stole your trust, your innocence, your choice, your faith in him, and he cannot unring that bell.

Your relationship is forever changed and you had no choice at all.

For some people this is a deal breaker and that is OK.

For many of us BS that have been blindsided the temptation is to rugsweep and just slowly forget this horrible thing happened. And that is a small temporary bandaid that solves nothing and causes greater disruption years later.

I am sorry you are going through this, and remember it takes years to get through infidelity.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:16 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

ontheslope posted 11/6/2013 18:07 PM

This is a subject that I think is hard for all BS.

Acceptance means different things, but I think when most BS first start talking about acceptance, they think of it as some sort of shield that makes all of the pain go away. "If I could only accept this, if only I could accept that it happened and move past it."

Truly though, I think that acceptance is an understanding of the new state of your M, and a realization as to what was lost, without a need to try and get it back. It is much like a person who loses a limb in an accident - their acceptance of the loss does not change the fact that their limb will never return to them, it simply allows them to adjust to life without it, and to be happy for the things that remain to them.

I am coming close to accepting what has happened to my M. I am coming close to accepting that things will never be the same, that something has been lost and never be regained. I am coming close to accepting that I may never regain the feelings for my W that I lost when the A happened, that that special *spark* that made us US is gone.

It is sad... so very sad. We have all lost so much, and I can only hope that some day we will get it back.

I am very sorry that you find yourself where you do. I wish I could offer some advice. Acceptance will come. Do not be afraid of it. But...and I say this gently...acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass. If it is acceptance you seek, be prepared for that. Acceptance is not some magic cure-all for your feelings or your M or your anger or your resentment or your loss. Acceptance is what it is.

Butterfly7904 posted 11/6/2013 23:08 PM

Thank you to everyone who replied. I don't feel quite so alone with my pain now.
Ontheslope what you said really helped me. I have read it over and over again and I feel I have a better understanding of how to move forward from here. Thank you so much.

Nest2007 posted 11/7/2013 00:25 AM

(((Butterfly))), did you sneak on over into my mind? You've expressed so much of how I feel. You're not alone. So many of the replies to your thread are helping me too.

rachelc posted 11/7/2013 05:57 AM

.acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass.

what do you mean?

ontheslope posted 11/10/2013 20:26 PM

acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass.

Sorry... did not mean to be so cryptic.

Change. People fear change. We are creatures of habit, of stability. Accepting that things will never be the same is to accept change. And to possibly accept future changes more easily - whatever those changes might be, even if those changes include D or S.

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