[This message edited by devasted30 at 2:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
(I am going somewhere with these short questions, but I don't want to prejudice your answers by putting my own words/thoughts into your mouth.)
Acceptance to me means realizing that this has happened and being at peace with it so that I can move forward. But if I'm honest, a part of me thinks acceptance is letting him get away with this.
Ah....take out the 'being at peace with it' part.
Acceptance doesn't mean you have to make peace with it. It means that you need to admit to yourself that your husband did this to you and the girls and that now you are a different person.
Nowhere does it say you have to like it, or make immediate peace with it, or anything like that.
Also, the only way that he would 'not get away with it' is if you divorce him...and it sounds like that is not what you really want to do. You agreeing to work on R'ing with him isn't him getting away with it either, it's you giving the permission for healing to begin if possible. He has to EARN your trust back.
Its not the best analogy, but think of it like a huge dent in the car (the A). You take it to the body shop (MC) and they work on it and work on it, and the dent is gone. The accident still happened and the car will never be 100% the same, but the paint will match pretty close, but it is back to whole.
The affair will always be there, but if you open yourself to accepting that it happened and begin to work wtih MC, IC and your WS to help heal the hurt, then you could regain a new marriage.
(((Butterfly7904))) It takes time to accept that something so hideous could have happened, let alone by the person who claims to love us the most. Be kind and gentle to yourself. I just recently started to accept that this happened and I am 20 months out from Dday. It takes a lot of time to process any trauma and infidelity is a major trauma.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
Your relationship is forever changed and you had no choice at all.
For some people this is a deal breaker and that is OK.
For many of us BS that have been blindsided the temptation is to rugsweep and just slowly forget this horrible thing happened. And that is a small temporary bandaid that solves nothing and causes greater disruption years later.
I am sorry you are going through this, and remember it takes years to get through infidelity.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:16 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
Acceptance means different things, but I think when most BS first start talking about acceptance, they think of it as some sort of shield that makes all of the pain go away. "If I could only accept this, if only I could accept that it happened and move past it."
Truly though, I think that acceptance is an understanding of the new state of your M, and a realization as to what was lost, without a need to try and get it back. It is much like a person who loses a limb in an accident - their acceptance of the loss does not change the fact that their limb will never return to them, it simply allows them to adjust to life without it, and to be happy for the things that remain to them.
I am coming close to accepting what has happened to my M. I am coming close to accepting that things will never be the same, that something has been lost and never be regained. I am coming close to accepting that I may never regain the feelings for my W that I lost when the A happened, that that special *spark* that made us US is gone.
It is sad... so very sad. We have all lost so much, and I can only hope that some day we will get it back.
I am very sorry that you find yourself where you do. I wish I could offer some advice. Acceptance will come. Do not be afraid of it. But...and I say this gently...acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass. If it is acceptance you seek, be prepared for that. Acceptance is not some magic cure-all for your feelings or your M or your anger or your resentment or your loss. Acceptance is what it is.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
.acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass.
what do you mean?
acceptance may mean that which you fear most comes to pass.
Sorry... did not mean to be so cryptic.
Change. People fear change. We are creatures of habit, of stability. Accepting that things will never be the same is to accept change. And to possibly accept future changes more easily - whatever those changes might be, even if those changes include D or S.