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MakingLemonade posted 11/6/2013 13:50 PM

After two rounds of TT D-days six years apart, I know I still don't have nearly the whole story based on his behaviors and personality disorder (ONSs, SA, NPD). X only admits to a certain point back in time (2007) to portray himself as a victim. But a friend confided he made a pass at her 17 years ago. We were married 22 years and together 25.

I don't want to know the details but I want to know the truth- how far back his infidelity occurred and what friends/acquaintances were involved. It's not that I want to go after anyone, which I will promise not to do, I just want to know it all so I can have the opportunity to make peace with what our marriage really was and move on.

Any reason not to push for another D-day?

Brandon808 posted 11/6/2013 14:23 PM

I know I only had the tip of the iceberg in terms of information. There were hints of worse here and there. Why didn't I pursue the truth? Because I had the truth. My xww did what she did and was not remorseful. The rest was just details. I didn't know all of the details but I knew enough to know the truth about her. Other than putting myself through more pain what purpose would have been served? What could I have learned that would genuinely change anything, especially considering my xww and the M were put into my past? I did go to IC to make peace with the truths that I learned.

thebighurt posted 11/6/2013 14:33 PM

I don't want to know the details but I want to know the truth- how far back his infidelity occurred ...... It's not that I want to go after anyone, which I will promise not to do, I just want to know it all so I can have the opportunity to make peace with what our marriage really was and move on.

This is my thought too, ML. I have posted before about learning from others and from things I have read and learned from IC. I now believe it goes back to the early years of the M. In TT, he admitted as far back as a year, then sent a note months after the D was final saying it had been too late for us four or five years before DDay. Shortly after DDay, someone told me he had a GF two years before that.

IC thinks it was longer, given what she knows of xpos's personality.

cmego posted 11/6/2013 14:40 PM

I have discussed this here on SI with mixed results.

My ex is gay. There are huge pieces missing to the puzzle. I have asked him, once we file for D in a few weeks (!!!! Yeah!!) that I want EVERYTHING he did typed and placed into a sealed envelope. Everything. Every affair, all money, dates, everything. Because I want the pieces to the puzzle. I want to make my past make some sense to me. I want to know every time he made me feel crazy, who was really crazy?

Someone here on SI told me that I was looking for HIS truth, HIS story. Maybe, but the two are intertwined and only he has all of the puzzle pieces.

His response to me when I asked was, "I'm not sure I can tell you everything." Which means it is massive. I know this. I'm not sure I will ever OPEN the envelope. But what I want is the opportunity to make my OWN decision about the truth. He has controlled the information for the last 20 years.

I think it is a personal decision. I'm 3 years post S now, I don't think much will hurt or surprise me. He may not give me the truth, I may never open the envelope. I don't know. I just want to control my own truth.

Pass posted 11/6/2013 14:42 PM

I suspect The Princess of screwing around since day one of our marriage. There was a specific incident that made me very suspicious when we had only been married a year (back in 1996!). She denies EVERYTHING about everything of course, so I will never know.

I have come to grips with that. With what I'm sure of, I already know she's a lying whore. The degree of whoreness (whoration? whoreosity?) doesn't matter much at this point.

Newlease posted 11/6/2013 15:16 PM

Maybe my situation is different. My XWH never tried to R, he was the one to file for D. I never got the "details" and to me it really didn't matter.

My memory and truth from our marriage is that I was a good and loyal wife. We had a good solid relationship and raised two wonderful sons together.

His version of "truth" does not affect me. The only part of his truth that matters is he cheated on me, deceived me, and divorced me. That was enough to give me closure.

NL

risingfromashes posted 11/6/2013 17:13 PM

I have recently come to suspect there were earlier affairs (if that is what you call 20 mins with an escort).
After DD#1 (2004) and DD#2 (2010) I was unrelenting in my search for every detail. The first time to make sense of the lies in our marriage. The second time to gather as much info as possible to use while divorcing him.

I feel twinges of pain and betrayal on occasion with the new info.
But we have been divorced for over a year and more info will only make me relive the ordeal.

As an aside thought for Pass:

degree of whoreness (whoration? whoreosity?)

How about Whorenacation?

[This message edited by risingfromashes at 5:13 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

jemimapd posted 11/6/2013 18:39 PM

I just want to know it all so I can have the opportunity to make peace with what our marriage really was and move on.

ML, thank you for posting this. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am getting divorced after my STBX lied his way through supposed reconciliation. To him it was enough that he had stopped screwing around. He has never got close to telling me the whole story.

All he has ever done is admit to what I uncovered and even then, with rock solid evidence, he would try to lie his way out of it. There are three women at least. But then there is all this shady behavior from years ago.

I want the truth about my marriage. I want to know what I participated in for the past ten years. I hate that he gets to control the amount of information I am allowed to know.

h0peless posted 11/6/2013 18:48 PM

I'm positive there's a hell of a lot more that I don't know about. I'm also positive that it wouldn't do me an ounce of good to know about it. Closure is a myth. The only thing that matters to me now regarding her and what she did is the fact that my STD tests came up clean.

gahurts posted 11/6/2013 19:37 PM

I really think looking for information after the D is final just prolongs your (our) suffering. I know there are things that I will never know the entire answers for. So be it. Does it bother me? Yeah it does. But every day it's less and less and most days I don't even thing about it unless something triggers it.

I really think if you dig for more information that it will rip open old wounds that were starting to heal. Cmego, if you get that sealed envelope, it may be like a curse calling your name until you do open it. And then you might feel peace or you may regret it.

I am the type of person who had to know all the answers. I need to know as much as possible. But when it comes to infidelity, I didn't start to heal until I finally learned to just let go. In this case I really think it is better to just let sleeping dogs lie.

InnerLight posted 11/7/2013 00:41 AM

I would hate to have to think or imagine more crap from my Xs trashy exploits. I heard enough already.

I would like to know and understand the true nature of my former marriage interms of its emotional content. Like if I were to ask him if he ever really loved me, or if he married me for the other reasons, or any of those emotional based questions, I wouldn't get accurate information. It would all be colored by his shame, or resentment at having to pay me spousal support. I will never know what our marriage was really about. I am getting better at accepting that.

It's up to me alone to create something out of my past that allows me to build the best life I can going forward.

stronger08 posted 11/7/2013 07:39 AM

I was given confirmation of a suspected A that happened 4 years before my D-Day. Different guy but the same old MO. She never admitted to it when I confronted originally. Turns out she was screwing her best friends H. A real POS who came to my home, shook my hand and ate my food. Shit I even bought Xmas presents for his kids one year when he was on one of his chronic unemployment periods. I knew something was up but had no proof. It was confirmed by a 3rd party after the D. I did not get angry as I had moved on by then. I was more like "I knew it" I honestly believe that a time will come when we all have to pay up for our sins. In this life or the next a price will need to be paid. I'll leave the repercussions to the man upstairs.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/7/2013 08:01 AM

NC=no new hurts. This is how I feel about all the info I don't have. And to me NC means no more info. Maybe in future years I'll want more, but gosh, hearing about the A and details sets me back in my new life.

I'm like Brandon808, I know enough to know XWH is sick, isn't going to get better without help, and cheated on me with my supposed friend.

MakingLemonade posted 11/7/2013 09:16 AM

I appreciate each of you taking the time to give me your perspective. My gut has been right nearly every single time. So I think it's best I assume his deviant behavior has gone on throughout our marriage and likely with a couple of particular people I know. If I asked, I am sure he would continue to lie. Better for me to accept my suspicions as fact and move on. Thank you for helping me come to a decision about this.

(((cmego))), I read an earlier post about the letter and your story. A good, long time friend turned out to be just like your STBXH and his wife found herself in the same position as you. It's been a huge shock to all his friends. He has embraced his sexuality and is in a relationship with someone but the cheating behaviors continue. I just wanted you to know your story is not unique in hopes it gives you comfort.

Bless each of you! I hate the reasons that brought us here, but I am grateful for the support to help each of us heal and move on to a beautiful new life!

Dreamboat posted 11/7/2013 11:28 AM

For me, I don't need anything else. Because of the A I now have suspicions about other times in our M that did not add up. But it does not matter what happened or did not happen.

For me, the bottom line is that he did not love me the way I thought he loved me or the way I loved him. That in and of itself reduces my M to a farce from the beginning. Nothing else matters.

cmego posted 11/7/2013 11:33 AM

MakingLemonade, I wish I was the only person this kinda stuff happens to, but it isn't. It does add an additional layer to the healing, and I don't know very many people in my specific situation. Infidelity sucks, regardless.

I think every person is different, and what I need for healing is going to be different than everyone else out there. I'm truly not sure if I would ever open the letter. What I want is the option. That I get to make the decision to know, not him. I was TT'd from the moment I met him, so he may never tell me everything (literally found out after D-day he had gay experiences before he met me…and failed to share those when we were dating…) That kind of manipulation is mind boggling. From the moment he met me, he was manipulating me. Choosing the information I knew so he could posses me.

I understand why some people don't understand my desire for that letter. It doesn't change anything, except to give ME some power back. I may never open it. I just want the option.

It won't change my healing if he doesn't provide the letter. I know he may lie all through it, I know it will not give me all of the answers "why". But, I still want it if I can. You have to make the best decision for your own healing. We are all different.