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Emotionally or physically abusive?

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stongmomof3 posted 11/6/2013 14:08 PM

Is it typical for WS to be emotionally or physically abusive (or both) after having the affair discovered? Did anyone else go through this? We are in IC now (IC because MC was not helping and we are working on our own issues) .
My WH could not handle me being upset. If I triggered the first several months (which were OFTEN) he would lash out call me every name in the book.

Now I was NOT respectful and called him horrible names every time I would get upset ,and all I really felt I needed was a hug but instead he would scream "You're such a bitch , this is the fucking reason I needed other women" and really horrible things.

We are 7 months out from dday , and have learned to both handle pour emotions and words a little better, but it's so hard to move past the things he said when I was hurting. Does this heal?

Deeply Scared posted 11/6/2013 14:52 PM


I'm really sorry he said those things to you, I'm sure that hurt you deeply. No advice but I wanted you to know you were heard.

stongmomof3 posted 11/6/2013 15:00 PM

Thank you dee

JanaGreen posted 11/6/2013 15:56 PM

((HUGS)) I'm sorry.

I think IC for both is a great idea (that was better for Mr. Green and me than MC) but I think you guys need to talk about what happened after D-Day, the name-calling. Do you feel like you can have a calm conversation about it? I needed my H to apologize for every mean thing he said to me (not so much after D-Day, when he was in his lying his ass off constantly phase, and he'd go on the offensive to throw me off guard). He never said anything as awful as what your H did (the "needed other women" thing). It would take a long time for me to get past that.

Rebreather posted 11/6/2013 16:08 PM

I think an affair in and of itself is abusive. But no, after dday my FWH never said anything like that to me. Truly, I would have never reconciled had he done so. I can't take that kind of crap.

I hope you do address these in MC and for him in IC. He has a lot of work to do to fix what allowed him to behave like, and to lash out even further against the person he harmed.

MakingLemonade posted 11/6/2013 16:33 PM

Mine was emotionally abusive (during and post A) for over two years the first time around. The second time? He was headed that way and I wasn't sticking around to endure it.

stongmomof3 posted 11/6/2013 18:07 PM

We have talked about it, IC says he has so many fucked up childhood things he wasn't taught how to handle confrontation, (he was severely abused mentally and physically) He was NEVER once like this during or before I found out. He now with the help of the iC controls it and knows ONE more outburst and I am gone! He also takes responsibility and doesn't blame his childhood , that said I have lost all respect for him and don't believe a word he says. It will take a long time for him to earn my respect.

tushnurse posted 11/6/2013 18:47 PM

While my H was in the A he was a bastard to me. I did nothin right I was a horrible mom, lazy, a crappy housekeeper, bad cook (hahahahaha), an anything else he could pick on.

He rarely sunk low enough to name calling because his parents did that. But after DDay when we were starting to attempt R he was kinder. He would get angry when I would question his honesty, or snoop, and throw many runs but once he really got it and real R started all of that stopped.

I would have been unable to tolerate any name calling and probably would have thrown him out if he tried that. It would have been very damaging to R.

You need to consider his state of mind when he was doing those horrible things. Was he still foggy and trying to come to terms with what he had done. Then he isn't the person e is now and it may be time to let it go. Has he apologized for saying such horrible things? Does he get the pain he caused ? Then you really have to decide if you are going to let it go. Hanging on to that pain in a relationship where the positive changes R are happening only slow the progress.

Otoh if he doesn't get it and isn't sorry for it then you new to hang on o that and remember it as R may not be real or heartfelt.

cupcakegirl posted 11/6/2013 18:49 PM

My WH could not handle me being upset.

I went through this w/my SAH. He was never taught or modeled how to deal w/emotions. His parents did not allow display of emotions. So when I triggered, he would panic and feel attacked- so he would lash-out and attack me. Not helpful for my healing at all.

My SAH is just now getting better at this. Both of us have done IC...He is still working hard. I agree with IC for a while before MC.

One really good book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have even had a couple of sessions w/this author and so has SAH. She is the one who gave us the best advice and tools to handle a verbally abusive situation.

Our MC once talked to my SAH about "falling on his sword". This means when I have a trigger, there is no defense allowed... instead, he must display massive humility and tenderness. He must also understand and admit that he caused this situation and apologize for it. No lashing out.

Easier said than done, but seeing progress.

Hugs and peace to you

SerJR posted 11/6/2013 18:58 PM

Lashing out like this is a fear response. It is very common with WS's when they are not remorseful.
Likely what you said struck a nerve with him and he didn't like what he saw when he looked at himself through that lense. So in order to avoid it, he can deflect, go on the attack, try to paint you as the villain to justify what he did, and so forth.

So, like tushnurse says, you have to understand where you were, where you are, and where you are going. This behaviour obviously isn't acceptable, but if he is seeing progress and is committed to changing for the better, then it may be something you can move forward from in time.

Nature_Girl posted 11/6/2013 19:08 PM

Mine became extremely emotionally/verbally abusive after DDay. He was already horribly abusive to me before DDay. Once the cat was out of the bag he just got worse, PLUS he had new words & phrases to use to beat me down with from his IC.

I'll tell you, I can still see his face & hear his voice from some of the cruel things he said to me, both pre and post DDay. It's been in some cases 18 years and I can still see/hear the things he said. I'll never be able to forget it.

SoVerySadNow posted 11/6/2013 19:24 PM

Lashing out like this is a fear response. It is very common with WS's when they are not remorseful.

Hmm, this isn't very comforting but likely realistic.

WH is currently going through a bad patch of brambles and has pulled me in with him.
But honestly, once he cheated on me his behavior became very verbally and emotionally abusive. It was what he excelled at and he used it like armor. Still does.
He has a new book he's reading at the suggestion of his IC, and feels it strikes a chord in him. It's about violent communication (not as in physical violence).
As I said, he's dragged me down the rabbit hole with him the last week, and finally displayed a behavior that scared the crap out of me, him, and his IC needed to correct it immediately.
It's all about respectful-v- disrespectful.

stongmomof3 posted 11/7/2013 14:44 PM

Thank you thank you thank you! Each post was inspiring. And most is what my IC has told me. He does seem to be working on it. I am pretty much 180 right now so that seems to help too. I'm pregnant and realized I can't devote all my time and thoughts to this. I have to be strong for me and now that his fog has lifted and he has seen that I will be ok no matter what it's better. The first several months were absolute torture and I know I was a mean, sobbing crazy person .

Lionne posted 11/7/2013 19:48 PM

SoVery, I'd very much like to know the name if that book...
Strongmom, I got this too. Such ugly words, accusations, descriptions, and justifications, both, during his acting out, when I was in the dark, and during discovery phase which went on for YEARS. I understand some of the reasons he said those vicious things, clearly fear, shame and anger at me for threatening and exposing his hobbies, but, like Nature Girl, I will never be able to get the sounds and images out of my mind.
And, FTG, I had a horrible childhood, maybe yours wasnt perfect either, but there's clearly no excuse for any kind of abuse, verbal, emotional or otherwise. You had a reason to be mean and sobbing. He CHEATED on you. I don't think you should accept the blame here...

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