Now I was NOT respectful and called him horrible names every time I would get upset ,and all I really felt I needed was a hug but instead he would scream "You're such a bitch , this is the fucking reason I needed other women" and really horrible things.
We are 7 months out from dday , and have learned to both handle pour emotions and words a little better, but it's so hard to move past the things he said when I was hurting. Does this heal?
I'm really sorry he said those things to you, I'm sure that hurt you deeply. No advice but I wanted you to know you were heard.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I think IC for both is a great idea (that was better for Mr. Green and me than MC) but I think you guys need to talk about what happened after D-Day, the name-calling. Do you feel like you can have a calm conversation about it? I needed my H to apologize for every mean thing he said to me (not so much after D-Day, when he was in his lying his ass off constantly phase, and he'd go on the offensive to throw me off guard). He never said anything as awful as what your H did (the "needed other women" thing). It would take a long time for me to get past that.
I hope you do address these in MC and for him in IC. He has a lot of work to do to fix what allowed him to behave like, and to lash out even further against the person he harmed.
He rarely sunk low enough to name calling because his parents did that. But after DDay when we were starting to attempt R he was kinder. He would get angry when I would question his honesty, or snoop, and throw many runs but once he really got it and real R started all of that stopped.
I would have been unable to tolerate any name calling and probably would have thrown him out if he tried that. It would have been very damaging to R.
You need to consider his state of mind when he was doing those horrible things. Was he still foggy and trying to come to terms with what he had done. Then he isn't the person e is now and it may be time to let it go. Has he apologized for saying such horrible things? Does he get the pain he caused ? Then you really have to decide if you are going to let it go. Hanging on to that pain in a relationship where the positive changes R are happening only slow the progress.
Otoh if he doesn't get it and isn't sorry for it then you new to hang on o that and remember it as R may not be real or heartfelt.
My WH could not handle me being upset.
I went through this w/my SAH. He was never taught or modeled how to deal w/emotions. His parents did not allow display of emotions. So when I triggered, he would panic and feel attacked- so he would lash-out and attack me. Not helpful for my healing at all.
My SAH is just now getting better at this. Both of us have done IC...He is still working hard. I agree with IC for a while before MC.
One really good book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have even had a couple of sessions w/this author and so has SAH. She is the one who gave us the best advice and tools to handle a verbally abusive situation.
Our MC once talked to my SAH about "falling on his sword". This means when I have a trigger, there is no defense allowed... instead, he must display massive humility and tenderness. He must also understand and admit that he caused this situation and apologize for it. No lashing out.
Easier said than done, but seeing progress.
Hugs and peace to you
So, like tushnurse says, you have to understand where you were, where you are, and where you are going. This behaviour obviously isn't acceptable, but if he is seeing progress and is committed to changing for the better, then it may be something you can move forward from in time.
I'll tell you, I can still see his face & hear his voice from some of the cruel things he said to me, both pre and post DDay. It's been in some cases 18 years and I can still see/hear the things he said. I'll never be able to forget it.
Lashing out like this is a fear response. It is very common with WS's when they are not remorseful.
WH is currently going through a bad patch of brambles and has pulled me in with him.
But honestly, once he cheated on me his behavior became very verbally and emotionally abusive. It was what he excelled at and he used it like armor. Still does.
He has a new book he's reading at the suggestion of his IC, and feels it strikes a chord in him. It's about violent communication (not as in physical violence).
As I said, he's dragged me down the rabbit hole with him the last week, and finally displayed a behavior that scared the crap out of me, him, and his IC needed to correct it immediately.
It's all about respectful-v- disrespectful.