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Ever see the signs?

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Hisbunnyonly posted 11/6/2013 15:29 PM

Do you ever see the signs of an A in someone close to you's marriage? What do you do or say? I see constant signs like hiding facebook passwords, deleting text messages, going out randomly and never calling or letting anyone know where you are, in my friends marriages, but i never say anything b/c i don't want to seem intrusive. but i am always in my mind thinking something is going on, and normally have ended up right. what do you do in this situation? just keep quiet? or point it out?
BS welcome...

pointofnoreturn posted 11/6/2013 16:48 PM

Well, put yourself in their shoes. If you had a friend who noticed your SO was being sneaky, would you want to know?

grassisgreener posted 11/6/2013 17:37 PM

I think its tricky. I think since its a huge part of my life, I feel like maybe I'm just seeing it everywhere whether there's cause or not.

But I'm not sure I would honestly appreciate anyone butting in. Once its there to confront, there's no hiding from it.

BUT!!! :-))) I also felt extreme gratitude when I WAS told by a third party A was still ongoing...

Tricky.:-)

heartache101 posted 11/6/2013 17:43 PM

I would talk to them. If they are approachable.

jemimapd posted 11/6/2013 18:28 PM

Yes. I have a friend who caught her husband on Ashley Madsion arranging a meeting. He said he was only looking. He swore he wasn't going to go through with it. He's away a lot.

She told me she believed him.

I started to say something to her but I could almost feel the walls go up. I left it alone and continue to do so. Lately she has started to open up.

If you push it with someone who is in denial they will clam up.

You really have to judge where someone is at and remember that they can't necessarily deal with a lot of information, even if it is the truth.

IGaveItMyAll posted 11/6/2013 19:12 PM

I think going through it I see infidelity, slippery slopes and crossed boundaries everywhere. I am so much more aware of it now. I had a friend that was going down a bad path. I just mentioned to him "Hey man I noticed this and believe me you don't want to go what I went through. I am here to talk if you need me.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/6/2013 19:45 PM

I have a friend who recently got married...we went away with them this past summer for a weekend and she spent the entire weekend texting a guy that was a friend of hers...her fiance (husband now) was suspicious that something was going on....I don't know that anything was but her behavior was very similar to mine when I was involved in my A.

I never directly said anything to her but talked to her a LOT about my A and how I felt while my BH and I were seperated....she was and is a great support for me, so it was helpful to me also......but I was hoping that by talking to her about my A and the mess I created it would help her realize how quickly things spiral out of control, and how much it destroys lives.

Dreamland posted 11/6/2013 20:22 PM

I think it's really hard to see it unless you've been threw it. My BFF caught her xH years back. I never understood why she felt so responsible for his cheating. She was so hurt. If she came to me to tell me about my H cheating I'm not sure I would believe it.
So back to the question. I think if you get caught up in the web or if the BS asks you then I would say something. Otherwise who's to say that the BS isn't choosing to live with it. I have a good friend second marriage. She said she married for love the first time and he cheated. Second time time she married for money. He's a trial attorney. Big bucks and she is happy with her lifestyle and is willing to overlook his indiscretions. That how she calls it. She said as long as her and her daughter get the trust fund and he isn't obviously she's happy.
So after this whole thing I don't judge people anymore unless it's the OW.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 8:24 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Hisbunnyonly posted 11/6/2013 22:31 PM

Thanks for all the answers! I too agree its tricky....my best friend and I have been friends since we were 13. I can read her like a book and we talk to each other about everything. I have recently noticed her WH(he's had an affair previously that resulted in her moving in with me for 5 minths) has been returning to some bad habits, randomly leaving the house to go on "bike rides", working late hours, getting more irritable with her lately. And I know she's noticed it too bc she's mentioned it to me. I just don't know how to go about letting her know that I suspect if he's not in a full fledged A again, hes at least in that path. She knows all about my A btw, if that helps any with advice.

SandAway posted 11/7/2013 07:28 AM

Hisbunnyonly,

If she knows about your A and the fact that you two are so close, I think you could easily say that she should be on alert - especially if she has mentioned things she is uncomfortable with.

You don't need to suggest he is - just reaffirm that they seem like red flags.

TrulySad posted 11/7/2013 11:17 AM

I agree, signs are all over the place. A very sad reality for everyone.

I think if we continue to fear speaking out about it, or continue looking the other way, we're aiding and in a way, condoning the behavior.

There are ways to go about it with tact and kindness. My WBF now calls his friends (in relationships) out, when they comment about other women. He says something like "You're married dude, how do you think your wife would feel if she heard you?". He recently had a friend respond with "Hey, just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu".

My WBF's response... that guy is no longer his friend.

I'm proud of him standing his ground, and living by his words. I wish more people would do it.

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