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What questions to ask about the Affair

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Annalee posted 11/6/2013 15:38 PM

I want to know all of the details!!

Some background: Husband and I have been together 3 years (married 2) I am currently 6 months pregnant with our first child. The baby was planned.

I found out about a month ago that my husband had an affair. The affair lasted about 2 months and by the time I found out it had just recently ended. It started about a month after we found out I was expecting. Though he had texted her just the day before I found out asking to talk, he tells me that this was to have some closure and apologize.

I found out by looking through his phone (there had been several clues to make me suspicious). Initially he denied the affair but eventually admitted it when he realized I already had proof. I also contacted the other woman and she gave me some of the details. Apparently, she knew he was married but he had told her that it was over and we were in the process of separating/divorcing (not true).

They had been talking most days and had regular dates (dinner, lunch etc). He slept over at her house on three occasions. He tells me that they didnít have sex but got close (whatever that means!).

He says he was overwhelmed with the pregnancy and how his life was changing and that he resented me for this. He says he has realized how stupid he was and is now remorseful and wanting to rebuild our marriage.

I feel like I am obsessed with the affair. I want to know every single thing that happened and was said. I feel like I need to know because itís this big mystery that I wonít be able to move past until I fully understand it.

I have told him that I need to know everything and can sense that he is reluctant to discuss it every time I bring it up. My question is: what are some good questions that I can ask him to try to better understand what he did? And how should I go about getting him to talk about it?


sparkly1 posted 11/6/2013 15:46 PM

I don't have time right now to go into too much detail, but your story sounds very similar to mine, and the questions I want answered are making my head spin.

stongmomof3 posted 11/6/2013 19:53 PM

I am sorry you are going through this . I am pregnant too , makes it a little messier huh?
Here is a small list of what I wanted to know .
How long did it go on?
Full name and any details about AP (s)
How did he meet her (them)
Who initiated contact.
Would he be willing to take a lie detector?
Is she in a relationship.
Will he get tested immediately..

stongmomof3 posted 11/6/2013 19:56 PM

Sorry I wasn't finished

Does he love her?
Did he tell her that?
Did they kiss (and then did they.... I asked about every sex act I could think of)
Did he demonize me to AP?
Did he spend any money on her?
Would he be willing to go over bank statements and phone records from that entire period.
Did he use protection.

Those were the ones I asked the first month or so, I have since asked 100000000 more.
The usual response I get is "it didn't mean anything to me at the time or now so I don't remember"

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/6/2013 22:33 PM

The first question i asked, "you know this means you will lose everything, right?" But then i had been tortured by her for 3 years, so i was done. Also asked, "are you f ing stupid?"

Those of course arent real constructive, but i did ask some prying questions and for the most part i got the usual lies and half truths (we call those trickle truths). So ask away, but just know whatever you ask your spouse is going to lie about most of it. Decide right now if spending the next two years getting snippets of the story is enough for you. If its too much for you to take, stop asking questions and destroy him in court.

Always remember, apathy and silence are your two best friends. They always hang themselves with their own guilt and self loathing and lies.

Struggling3005 posted 11/6/2013 22:58 PM

I'm also pregnant, so I can sympathize with how you're feeling right now. I'm so sorry.

I asked every single question you can imagine. I hated painted such elaborate, romantic love stories in my head of my husband and these gorgeous women, that I needed to know every detail. (obviously nothing I imagined was true... There was nothing beautiful or romantic about any of it).

I asked why, who, when, how many times. I asked graphic questions regarding the sex. I kept asking until I felt that I got the truth.

MJane posted 11/7/2013 07:24 AM

Hi there - my H started the A when I was 8 months pregnant and I think still hasn't worked out why (am 7 weeks past Dday) - I think it is a tough question that you ask and really about what questions you are going to need for you. I needed to know specifics on where and how they met for their get-togethers and I needed to know whether she'd been in my home. I do think there might be things you don't want to know (it so depends on the person) - the OW had given me all their emails for their A (she broke the news to me on my doorstep trying to force the decision for him). After a LOT of thought I decided I only needed to read the first and end emails. The details of those are still embedded in my mind - and am glad I didn't read all. The reality is probably that your H said and did many things - he was in the fresh new thing phase (bright shiny uncomplicated - read un-pregnant - toy). I asked what i needed to know to even start thinking of R and most of my questions have been about wanting to address how this could ever have been a solution to his feelings and why he opted for that rather than addressing anything with me. Be careful in believing what he says about no sex - trickle truth is a real killer as I found out - he is probably saying what he thinks you want to hear. You'll be best placed to judge if he is lying or not but he is probably saving his skin mode now so worth pressing to get the truth for you on the extent of his affair and being serious about it being over....

CallMeRed1 posted 11/7/2013 07:35 AM

I personally wanted to know every little detail so I could make an informed decision.

I very gently want to say, please make sure both he and you get STD tested for the sake of your baby as well as yourselves.

womaninflux posted 11/7/2013 07:53 AM

I want to tell you how sorry I am you are going through this. You should know you do not deserve this and you did not do anything to cause this. Please believe this.

Some questions can and should be answered by him. Others you will need the assistance of a counselor to peel back the layers. The why he did it probably lies within his family of origin (family history, how his family dealt with problems, did his parents cheat/divorce, attachment issues, abuse, trauma).

I wanted to know about diseases, birth control (thankfully my SAWH's girlfriend did not get pregnant though I know she wanted to have kids with my husband ---yikes), money he spent, gifts given and received, who else knew about it. Any social media accounts? Something else that merits examination is the use of porn by him. It is not something to be brushed off or minimized. Are there other incidents - massages, strip clubs, one night stands, "out with the guys." One of my issues right now is that my husband still wants to hang out with the guys who knew about the affair even though he admits he let them in on it because he knew they would not judge him and he was trying to impress them. My issue with this is - - - what kind of friends are these in the first place? I notice that he did not tell any of his closer friends, the ones he respects and who would judge him (rightfully).

You can get through this if both of you want to remain married. It's going to take some time, work (for him to be remorseful and for you to eventually forgive) and a lot of soul searching. You both should read the very short book "How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair."

Please try to seek counselingÖit will help you a lot. It has made me a better parent and friend. I have to see the good that came out of this (not that I will ever be HAPPY that this happened) and that is my husband admits he has some very real and serious unresolved issues from his childhood and he is getting help. It's going to make him a better parent no matter what ends up happening to our relationship. Also some good is that I am standing up for myself, finding my voice, and am so GRATEFUL for my friends who have helped me. Just when you think you are so unloved, you realize how many great people really care about you. So you can't be so bad, right?

Good luck with everything.

sohowamI posted 11/7/2013 08:52 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this now. I can relate to this. I was also 8 months pregnant when my WS had a one-nighter at a drunken Christmas party. He caught Clamydia that he passed onto me and our unborn baby.

He had to tell me about the event because of the infection. He promised me faithfully, on bended knees that he would 'never, ever' be unfaithful again.

I was alone. I had a 2 year old. I had nowhere to go. I stayed with him and believed him.

He has been unfaithful to me for probably my entire marriage. I found this out last year. I have been married for 37 years.

You need to take this on board. Had I known then what I would find out thirty odd years later, I would have thrown him out and just done what I could. I was young enough.

You are young enough. Do you really think that his promises now are for real? Do you want to keep tabs on him and distrust him for the entirety of your marriage? Are you both having marriage counselling?

He sounds very immature. My WS is/was. He has had a huge sense of entitlement too. The feeling that he deserves more if he believes that things aren't going the way that he thinks they should.

Please get yourself tested and ask absolutely everything: where they did it; what they did; how they did it; what protection they used/didn't use; how many times; check his phone, his emails, his FB and everything you can on a daily basis. Find out who she is.

Mostly look after yourself. He hasn't. Do you think that he will now?

Annalee posted 11/7/2013 09:24 AM

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's so refreshing to hear from people who actually understand what this feel like!!

I talked to him last night and gave him a list a questions. I think he was pretty honest in his answers as he gave me more details about the different times they were together. He admitted they had had oral sex, which I had suspected. He didnít tell me anything I hadnít already guessed or assumed but it was still really hurtful. I cried a lot this morning but Iím hoping it will help me heal. I feel like there isnít really anything else big that Iím wondering about. Right now anyway. I', sure I'll think of more questions.

I know he probably left out some details, I just really hope itís nothing big.
As far as I know he has never cheated on me before. I do suspect there may have been some flirting/texting other women in the past but this is the first time it ever went anywhere. I wonder why it is that men (some men at least) seem to cheat when their partners are pregnant. Itís so cruel!! As if getting fat isnít enough of a hit to the self-esteem I now have to think about him comparing me to the other woman.

He has given me his email accounts and Facebook passwords. We are currently apart (he's in the military) so I can't see his phone but I can look at his bill. The only thing he refuses to give me access to is his credit card account. He says he has to have some privacy. I totally disagree with this but we just argue and argue about it and he wont budge.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/7/2013 10:22 AM

And why do some women cheat when theyre in midlife crisis? It has nothing to do with men or women. Its a problem they have with commitment, responsibility, and their own self worth. You, your pregnancy, your love and heart arent the issue. He is. And dont buy into the marriage was bad so we both have stuff to work on crap. Thats a load of shit from the therapy community. Infidelity happens in great marriages as well as bad ones. If you choose to reconcile tell him you refuse to talk about "the marriage" until you are ready and then you will not tolerate him dictating to you what you have or have not done. He will use the marriage as part of his blameshifting and will not focus on himself or his actions.

stongmomof3 posted 11/7/2013 10:26 AM

I would demand the credit card statements. But I'm anal like that.

sudra posted 11/7/2013 12:11 PM

First, you need to get tested for STDs. You are pregnant and it could affect your child. I know he said the didn't have intercourse but you cannot always believe what they initially tell you. Even if it was "only" oral, STDs can be transferred that way. Protect yourself and your child. He needs to be tested, too, but make sure you are. Men cannot be tested for everything that women can be tested for.

The only thing he refuses to give me access to is his credit card account. He says he has to have some privacy. I totally disagree with this but we just argue and argue about it and he wont budge.

Really?? Your husband won't give you access to credit card information?? If he wants privacy, tell him to close the bathroom door when he goes potty.

Withholding credit card information from your spouse isn't privacy: it's secrecy, and there no place for that in any marriage particularly after infidelity.

Read The Healing Library in the upper left corner of your screen, especially the FAQs.

He needs to be an open book to you.

tushnurse posted 11/7/2013 12:23 PM

Sorry you are here, but you will find a ton of support.

In two quick words I want you to listen to me.
HE'S LYING!!!! He has proven one thing to you, he is a liar that lies. So assume that he is lying when he gives you information, especially the stuff that just doesn't make sense.

You need to protect yourself, and your baby. You need to get STD tested, and demand he does, and you get to see the test results yourself before you are intimate with him again.

Assume he had sex, because he did. What adult male spends the night with someone, gives/gets oral, and doesn't do the deed?

. "He says he has to have some privacy. I totally disagree with this but we just argue and argue about it and he wont budge. " WRONG- You are married, and therefore there is no privacy. If he is giving you that song and dance it's because he is hiding more. I guarantee you that.
Those with nothing to hide hide nothing.

Go see an attorney, and find out what your rights are, and what his responsiblities are to you and the baby.

Does the OW have a spouse or a SO if so he deserves to know the truth as well, and it also gets the whole ugly A out in the open, and makes it less likely for things to continue if she is feeling some heat from her side.

Please know that you did NOTHING to cause this. Your H chose this, and he is broken he has to fix that. Which means he has a lot of work to do, and the first thing is to cut the bullshit. You need to call him out on his lies, and be prepared to play hard ball with him.
No ONE EVER SAVED their Marriage by trying to Nice or Love their Wayward spouse back.

((((and strength))))

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