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khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 15:39 PM

So my wife and I got into it pretty bad about 2 months ago. She responded by walking out on myself and our 2 children for over a week. She'd never been much of a drinker, but would go through a fifth a night through out this. Upon her finally coming home she said she wanted to try to be separated. To try to see if she would miss me. At first we slept in the same bed, but eventually I moved to the basement. On my birthday in mid October she took me out and we genuinely had a great time. To the point our friends thought we had made it through. The very next day she was gone again. Then it shifted to divorce. She wants to move an hour away to be near her family. This means taking our children. She claims that she is the happiest she has ever been, but since she made that decision she has stopped working out, gained weight, bought a new car, racked up credit card debt and become even more of a drinker and partier. Two weeks ago she went to a party at her brothers house an hour away, and when I woke up at midnight freaking out I reached out to her via text for comfort. She helped, but confessed three days later she had the entire conversation with me while in another man's arms. She claims she's done, says that she is happy, but her actions are saying otherwise. She keeps communicating with this other guy, swearing she's not ready for a relationship. I've subjected myself to sex, snuggling, intimate talks about her feelings and the other guy for the last week and I've hit my breaking point. She says she wants a divorce, but not until we can afford a financially amicable one, but keeps putting us further and further in the hole, all the while treating me like a toy, taking me down off the shelf when she wants to play, putting me back when she's done. I love her very much and want nothing more than to work it out, but feel like I'm being held hostage in limbo while she figures out if she wants me, the other guy, or no one. I've decided to file Friday morning and have a very aggressive attorney on stand by as well, both details I've kept from her, as she would probably blow up and flee with my children. I feel like if she gave me a sign I would hold off, but I'm terrified to have to keep living my life with the pain I've had the last two months, without even being able to move forward.

devistatedmom posted 11/6/2013 15:47 PM

I'm sorry you are here, but you have some great people here to help you.

I am happy you are filing, and filing now. If she takes off with the children without anything filed, you may not be able to get them back, and be "stuck" seeing them only EOW, or worse. From the sounds of it, that isn't what you would want for you and the kids.

The fact that she's racking up debt? Well, until filed, that is marital debt, and you will be responsible for half. You need to file now to protect yourself and your kids.

She wants her new life, she just doesn't want any of the consequences. You are suppose to keep putting up with her behaviour and just pay for everything. Nope. I know it's hard, but try to keep the emotional and the divorce separate. The divorce papers are business, and to protect yourself. Your emotions, you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, and deal with them in the way you need to. Just not when working on the D. Protect yourself, and expect her to do an about turn when she realizes her gravy train is ending. Don't be fooled into stopping the D.She would have to do much more than just say sorry at this point.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 15:53 PM

I appreciate your support. I feel like she doesn't know what she wants as her mouths says happiness, but her actions state she the most depressed she's ever been. I told her it felt like she was trying to push me far enough away to have her fun and not feel guilty, but keep me close enough to salvage if she decides to. Her response was "so what if I am". To be perfectly honest, after two days of skimming this forum, it was reading your quote on another post about "he's no longer your best friend, now repeat" that made me feel like it wouldn't hurt to reach out here.

Merlin posted 11/6/2013 16:00 PM

File for divorce NOW.

Half of what she's spending is yours. So half of the debt will be yours as well.

All of how she's behaving is wrong for you.

You are no more than training wheels for her under these conditions.

If she needs to behave like this, she needs to do it as a single person with her own time and her own money and from her own place.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 16:03 PM

The problem I'm having is I want so badly for it to work out, but I know when I file Friday it's over. All hope will be gone and I'll deal with the fallout.

Phoenix1 posted 11/6/2013 16:03 PM

I told her it felt like she was trying to push me far enough away to have her fun and not feel guilty, but keep me close enough to salvage if she decides to.

That's called cake-eating, i.e., she wants her cake and eat it too. You are her Plan B. DON'T BE PLAN B. It doesn't sound like she is remotely interested in saving the M, so move forward with your filing to protect yourself financially, as well as preventing her from running off with the kids. Just because you file doesn't necessarily mean you have to follow through if she decides to pull her head out of her ass and do the REAL work needed to R. Words are cheap and actions speak volumes. File and watch her actions.

Sorry you are here, but you will get a wealth of support to get you through this.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 16:04 PM

Thank you Phoenix, I've already started to see the support :)

Gemini71 posted 11/6/2013 16:06 PM

What your WW is doing is called 'cake eating.' She has you AND her OM, why should she want anything to change?

Filing is probably the best thing you can do. It tells her that you are serious about this. If she wants to R, she needs to cut off the OM and start working on the marriage. If not, then you need to protect yourself. Sounds like her behavior is turning self destructive, and you may not want the kids living with her when she moves.

Stay strong, and keep posting.

Gemini71 posted 11/6/2013 16:08 PM

Sorry, cross posted.

When you file for D, it's not necessarily completely 'over.' Plenty of people R after filing for D. But unless her behavior changes, it's not likely.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 16:11 PM

We've been married 7 years and together 9. This all hit me like a bus. I literally two days before this all went down came home from work and approached her with "hey, pretty lady, give me a hug" her response "I'm all sweaty and gross from working out" "you know I don't care" and other than sporadic fights that's who I've been to her. Even throughout this I've been caring, compassionate, loving and supportive. I flipped out when she confessed to the A but 6 hours later came home and told her "I understand that 6 months ago you never would have been able to do this, so to get here, both of us had to drive that car down this road" not once have I blamed, belittled or judged. Every encounter has been that same way since this began.

Merlin posted 11/6/2013 16:23 PM


It's not necessarily over when you file. It is a wake up call to your wife that she cannot have it all at the same time and at your expense.

hellzapoppin posted 11/6/2013 16:26 PM

I'm sorry you're here but welcome.

If you want to keep getting the same response, keep doing the same thing. How's that working for you?

Take back your power.

Her actions do not signal R.

Is there any possibility she is undiagnosed bipolar?

What she is doing to you & your marriage is not acceptable.

Each of you is responsible for your marriage issues but she is the one driving the new car - the affair.

Don't let her run you over with it.

You can't "nice" her back to being a loving wife.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 16:48 PM

Oh from our relationship I'd guarantee she is bipolar. Many times in the past she has fled with our children for days over a disagreement. That's the other concern. I plan to not just file for divorce, switch my direct deposit to a new account and a new bank Friday, but also file for emergency temporary custody. This will throw her over the edge.

hellzapoppin posted 11/6/2013 17:07 PM

Is she agreeable to seeking treatment?

I've been around some people who are off meds for BP and it sucks all the air & energy from your life to deal with their behaviors.

I hope you have a good family support system.

Mojo for your Friday court filings! Keep your babies safe.

You will get through this.

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 17:17 PM

She refuses to admit she has anything wrong with her. She's fine, I'm the one with problems.

hellzapoppin posted 11/6/2013 17:24 PM

That's what I figured.

She's just not leaving you with many options.

You can't help her if she won't admit she needs help.

Maybe you filing can shock her back to reality, but maybe not.

A woman who has BP stayed with me for a few weeks because she had nowhere else to go & I quite liked her as a person & wanted to help.

One morning I awoke to find her gone. She turned up about 1700 miles away a couple of days later, like it was completely normal to run off in the middle of the night.

Sounds like your W has done this before, so do you have a plan in case she runs with your children? (Not to be a downer.)

Do you have a voice activated recorder in case she tries to pull something? Any neighbors who could help if there's trouble?

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 17:29 PM

Unfortunately until I speak to my attorney on Friday I won't have a leg to stand on if she does. I've just avoided contact with her for coming up on 24 hours. Granted I've been at work all day, I don't plan on going home tonight for the first time since this all happened.

Dreamboat posted 11/6/2013 17:33 PM

She wants to move an hour away to be near her family. This means taking our children.

Not necessarily. The last 2 times she left, did she take the kids? If not, then you have a case to say she abandoned them and thus cannot move with them. You need to start documenting her every interaction with the kids from here on out. When she stays out all night and you watch the kids, when she leaves for days or weeks and leaves the kids behind, when she calls the kids, when she does not call the kids, when she visits the kids, when she does not visit the kids. etc. Document both the good and the bad, just document consistently.

Regardless, discuss this with you L and push to get temp orders ASAP that prevents her from taking the kids. Without a court order then she can do anything she wants.

Do not think of filing as putting an end to your M, think of it as protecting your kids and yourself while your WW self destructs. Because that is what she is doing right now, self destructing -- all in the name of "having fun" Been there, seen that too. It is not pretty to watch but you have to realize that there is nothing that you can do or say that will make her "get it". She has to do that on her own. And you need to protect yourself so you only have to watch from the sidelines rather than being caught in the cross fire, or worse watching your kids caught in the cross fire.

I am sorry for your pain

hellzapoppin posted 11/6/2013 17:36 PM

Ah, so sorry, you must be hurting bad tonight.

I'm not a lawyer & don't know about your state, but in some cases, it can be a bad idea to leave the house.

Is there a family member or friend you can be with tonight?

khrisdeus posted 11/6/2013 17:43 PM

No interaction for 24 hours, and I get weak and check her Facebook wall to see she's posted the lyrics to a love song that's directed at him. Counting stars by OneRepublic and I want to die

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