Topic: What was the response you got when
Member # 37629
| Posted: 6:18 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
You asked why they didn't divorce you before starting A?
Mine was"I wanted you to be the one to file". WTF? You were miserable enough to A but I should file!?!?
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Posts: 215 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Member # 33735
| Posted: 6:22 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"I didn't know how to raise girls."
We had 3 girls and one boy all under the age of 11 when his first A (that I know of) happened.
M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."
Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 13447
| Posted: 6:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
I don't think I ever asked after 1A. I believed it was "just" an EA...a friendship that fell down a slippery slope.
After 2A, I knew we had created boundaries. He had agreed to leave rather than cheat. I asked him and got lots of answers like:
I never thought you'd find out.
I didn't realize it was an A until it was too late.
You have always been the one for me, even though I didn't realize it, so during the A I never wanted to lose you.
Crap like that. I'm sure we've all heard the same lines from our WSs.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11644 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 35215
| Posted: 6:34 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"I never wanted a divorce"
BS/FWS (me):42 Madhatter
WS/BS:45 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DDay(s) Too many to count
Final Dday 7/11/14 Same OW2
D on hold for now
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."
Posts: 3637 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37895
| Posted: 6:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"Because I never had any intention of leaving you."
How did that work out?
Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.
Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 18814
| Posted: 6:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
I did ask because I did tell him before I found out about the A that if he's not happy with us, I will file and he can just use me to blame the destruction of marriage so that he doesn't get "in trouble" with his family (who is very closely knit and believes in marriage and being selfless/service-oriented). He told me then "no" that he wants me. After A I got the same answer. Except he added that the A to his twisted mind allowed him to tolerate our marriage...
Love is a choice.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 34827
| Posted: 7:10 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
e said, he didn't want to be with her, she meant nothing, he loved me, he didn't want to be without his family. He told me even if I made him leave, he still wouldn't be with her. This is such bullshit because 4 yrs later, he's still in the A with the same ow. I would have had more respect for him if he just spoke the truth, I want my life and family at home and her on the side.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5729 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 27993
| Posted: 7:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
He said....I had no intention of leaving you....SHE said, let's just have a little fun!
For like a year! Every other week and a trip to London and some very expensive gifts.....
And I went NOWHERE and I got no gifts....because he was too busy traveling for business on trips that I could never go on!!!
And he told the OW he loved her, but like not like his wife, but he treated the OW better!
Married 34 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!
Posts: 189 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 38865
| Posted: 8:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"I didn't mean for it to happen"
WTF - you porked her in 2007, you only knew her 5 days. Met on an o/s tour. You then proceeded to keep contact for the next 5 years in secret. You deliberately planned to rehook up with her that required flying thousands and thousands of miles. It was all planned. How does that equate to not "meaning for it to happen".
Oh that's right admitting it would make you the bad guy. Got it. Did I mention how distasteful it was that you had me wax your back in preparation or how disgusting it is that you had me pay for the foreign currency to show her a good time.
Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 39362
| Posted: 8:18 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
Mine said, well we've made it through so much, I figured we'd get through this, too. Then he kept explaining that divorce is forever. He thinks I don't understand because my parents are still married.
He's also convinced we'll get back together. Just as soon as he's done screwing around and I go back to being a doormat.
He calls it my divorce, even though he's in a whole other relationship. He hasn't quite come to see the reality that it's over and done.
[This message edited by Rainbows at 8:21 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
There is always a rainbow after every storm.
Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 38341
| Posted: 8:20 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
Mine's a little different because he was cheating since we met. I asked him why he married me (essentially the same thing) and he replied "You needed me."
I was doing just fine on my own, thanks.
Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain
Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38162
| Posted: 8:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
Me: "Why didn't you tell me you wanted a divorce (or even that something was wrong) before you started snogging OW?"
WH: "I never wanted a divorce. Nothing was wrong with our marriage."
Me: "So, you wanted to stay married, snog OW, and keep me in the dark."
WH: "No, that's not what I wanted. Blah-blah-blah-justification-blah!"
Me: "So what you're really saying is that you are a f@cking dumbass."
WH: "Ummm . . . "
Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 40317
| Posted: 9:17 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"I was scared"
That's the response I got when I said "when you started having feelings for this woman, why didn't you just LEAVE??"
I've said it hundreds of times. I'm married to a coward.:(
Married: 17 years
Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 15088
| Posted: 9:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
I wasn't supposed to find out.
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Member # 40115
| Posted: 9:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
STBXH, "I truly do love you."
"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 38141
| Posted: 10:01 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
"Why would we get a divorce?"
WHAT????? I had to walk away.
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Posts: 689 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39193
| Posted: 10:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
He said he thought our fighting would keep getting worse until I said I wanted a divorce. Then he would be free to get with her and I would "never know" that he had been cheating for the last nine months of our marriage. He said he thought that would "be easier" on me.
No, I think what you mean is "easier" on you, you f@cking coward.
Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
Posts: 1853 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 40896
| Posted: 10:24 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
He told me because he was trying to make the marriage work. Um, how is cheating on me trying to make it work?!?
Me- BW 31, WH- 29
M 11 yrs Together 13
2 kids (special needs)
Last Dday 9/26/13 EA w/ 19 yr old OW, too many prior EAs to list, one he kissed
My value hasn't decreased based on his inability to see my worth.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Member # 39210
| Posted: 10:27 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013|
He told me he told her 'I'm not leaving my wife'. Like that made it better
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'
Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35624
| Posted: 12:32 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013|
"I never meant for it to go that far"
I asked him if his brain was with him every day, because he knew darn well what he was doing.
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Posts: 1023 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
|Topic Posts: 43|