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How could she possibly know how I feel

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IGaveItMyAll posted 11/6/2013 18:50 PM

My wife had a dream last night that I had a 3 some, she walked in on me and I told her to leave. I ignored her kept fucking these 2 girls. I told her to get out and that this is what she gets for what she did to me. In her dream I told her I was done and I have the kids taken care of that she will hear from my lawyer. I told her that I don't love her and she ruined any chance of having a normal life with me. That this is what she deserves. She said she was crying begging me to not leave her that she didn't care that I was cheating she just didn't want me to leave her because she loved me and she was sorry.

So she woke up really sad today. She said because she remembered how she felt in her dream and felt horrible that I actually lived that and still do to this day. i think its great that she had the kind of remorse that she does but DAMN!!! she will never know how that really feels and how you have to live with that. Just as I dont know how it feels to be a Wayward and live with that. We are just trying to make some sense out of this mess!!! Argh

She has finally been actively going to IC and our intimacy has vastly approved. She is way more affectionate and caring but it all goes in waves. My emotions included. Damn I miss the inocence of our marriage. I miss the days I cold look at her and not see her cheating on me. She wishes everyday that she could take back what she did but she can't (she beats herself up about it. Which isn't healthy). Its so hard to move forward but we are pushing forward together. Thanks for the rant. I think we want to both get to a state of peace with what happened. Do you ever get there? To get to point where it was an occurance. Part of your marital history but your life is so much better now. I guess hats what everyone here is hoping for right?!?!

Skan posted 11/6/2013 19:29 PM

For me, yes. His adultery is now a part of our history. I honestly don't think of it much. I don't trigger when I drive by the hotel anymore. I don't trigger at Starbucks anymore. It's not the first or second thought that I have when I wake up, when I see him, when I think about us. The scar tissue is there, but when I poke it, it doesn't ooze anymore.

The phase I seem to be in now is the Fix Your Shit phase. Digging to get to the bottom of compulsions, fears of intimacy, being watchful of that slippery slope. (BTW, just saying the words "slippery slope" used to trigger me hard." Seeing what type of marriage that we can rebuild. Trying to dig deeper into each other and dig out all of the muck in the wounds.

You can see from my profile that it's been a rocky road. Might continue to be rocky going forward too. But since I don't want what we had, there at the end, pulling those rocks out of the road going forward is the only option. Hope this helps!

Morhurt posted 11/9/2013 13:33 PM

I 100% get what you're saying IGIMA. So often I wish he could feel the pain he has caused me, just for a few minutes even. Just a taste of what I live with 24 hrs/day.

It's not going to happen so I talk to him. I tell him the hurt, the triggers, the pain. I tell him the love and understanding too.

It's not fair and it never will be.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/9/2013 13:46 PM

There is no way for them to feel what we feel. I have wished for that on occasion, but I have also noticed that I genuinely do not want anyone to hurt like I have that I care about. All we can do is keep telling them about our feelings, and hope that they have learned enough to listen and support us rather than defend and close down.

Hard stuff, but sounds like she is really REALLY remorseful. That's a good direction for you.

hugs

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