I'm certain this is going to be long, but I feel that it is important for me to get this out somewhere, and I want to do it anonymously because I'm not ready to share with friends or family.
******* This is mostly just background, so skip down to the next stars for the important info *****
I've known for several months that something was not right with regard to my husband's ex-wife. She has always been mentally and emotionally unstable, and I mean that in the clinical sense, but her ups and downs have been more extreme than usual lately.
Years ago, I had to block all communication with her and even had a restraining order for a while because she was stalking and harassing me. Since then, the only way I've known what was going on with her was if WH either told me or forwarded her emails/texts, or if she pulled something like withholding the kids (she and WH share custody of their two daughters) and WH ended up in court over it.
All that to say that it hasn't been uncommon for me to pick up WH's phone to see what's going on with her. Truly I never did that because I didn't trust him but mostly because of morbid curiosity, and also because I feel like it's better to know ahead of time if she is about to do something really crazy like show up at our house in middle of the night or crash a family party.
So recently I've noticed that her personal attacks via text have been even more vicious, and usually followed within a few days by some way over-the-top compliments or texts that were friendly in tone. The ups and downs were so much more extreme than usual, that I suspected something in WH's behavior must be triggering them. Then one day over the Summer, I noticed that she had texted him just one word: "on?" while he was at work. Then a couple of weeks later, I saw the same thing. Around that same time, we started going WAY over on our cell phone data allowance. My usage hadn't changed, so I knew that it must be something he was doing. I checked and saw that he had downloaded the Voxer app and that he was friends with her there. Every time I checked after that, his chats with other people were still there, but hers was always clear. Then one of my stepdaughters casually mentioned sending him a Vox from "Mommy's" phone, a message that I never saw, and I knew he must be clearing their conversations for a reason.
While I was figuring this all out, we were in the process of adopting a baby, who was born in September. Knowing that something wasn't right was eating me up, but I was scared to confront him because I was afraid that it would put the adoption in jeopardy. If it had been a "normal" adoption, maybe I would have confronted it sooner, but the baby is the biological child of a close family member, and if we didn't adopt, baby would end up with strangers and I just couldn't bear that. So I kept my eyes open and my mouth shut. And continued to continually observe veiled references to "secret" conversations.
On Monday (11/4/2013) I was setting up WH's new phone, and I decided to look through his old emails. Because the volume of emails he receives from his ex is incredibly high (when she in middle of an episode, it isn't uncommon for him to receive more than 10 ranting emails from her per day) I haven't always read all of them. I found a couple of emails from early spring, right after we had told the step kids about the adoption. In them, OW made reference to the fact that she could cause me "quite a bit of heartbreak" if she wanted to, and went on to say that she was just choosing not to do so because she didn't "want to cause any grief" for WH. It hasn't been uncommon for her to make unfounded statements like that, and her credibility is so terrible that if it had been just those statements alone, I would have overlooked them. But taken altogether with the fact that I knew they were having secret conversations, I felt like I had all the proof I needed.
******* This is probably the only important part of the post *********
We actually had to go out of town, so I waited until we were in the car in middle of nowhere to say anything. I figured if he couldn't go anywhere, he would be forced to listen to me long enough for me to overcome any denials. All I said was, "something has been bothering me for a while. I know that there are boundaries being crossed with your XW, that you at a minimum are having secret conversations with her. I don't know the full extent of it, but I want you to tell me the truth." I fully expected him to deny it, but he paused for a second and then he said, "well, we do talk 'offline'. It hasn't been sexual, but it's definitely been more personal and more often than I should be talking to her."
The conversation went on from there, and I somehow managed to maintain my composure, but it boils down to an ongoing emotional affair over the last year between him and his XW. I've just got so many thoughts swirling around. I'm angry, I'm incredibly sad, I'm totally confused, and I'm terrified.
I don't really know what to do. He says he wants to make it right, I want us to stay together, but I have no idea how to go about rebuilding trust. He can't exactly go no contact with her until the kids are both grown, which isn't for 11 years. He asked me what I want him to do, and I'm just not sure. I did tell him that he is to cease any contact with her that isn't necessary communication about the kids, immediately. I don't even want him to tell her that he's not going to carry on with her anymore; I don't think she deserves that. It just needs to stop.
Part of me wants to demand all his passwords, and to start comparing his texts to the bill to make sure nothing is being deleted, and to install some kind of spyware on all his electronics to make sure he isn't talking to her. But I don't want to live like that. I want to trust that he is doing what he says, but I just can't right now. I don't know what's reasonable for me to ask, but I do know that something major has to happen.
***** This is just venting and random thoughts ******
One thought I can't get out of my head is, "WHY her???" She is beyond vile, in every sense of the word. She made his life living hell while they were married, and since they divorced has done countless awful things to him. She has tried to sabotage his career, kept his kids from him, told his family awful lies about him, continually demanded more and more money, stalked, harassed, verbally abused, and so on. And to top it all off, she is the most physically unattractive person you could imagine. I just do not understand why he would want to have anything to do with her when he admits that he hates her.
I'm so lost. If you read even part of this, thank you.