Hi atsenaotie:
Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's been a rough day for me. There are definitely some things that haven't changed, but I've come to the realization that part of the fault of that lies with me as well. But for starters, one of our continuous arguments is his lack of communication; I asked him to give me a call/text last night when he got to his hotel (he didn't want to stay at my parents' house) and let me know where he was...didn't hear from him until I finally called around 10 this morning.
I'm at fault in this because I let my parents go on and on about how they felt his visit should have gone and took these feelings to heart, to the point that I then feel like I took their disappointments out on him during our next conversation. While he admits he's not the same person around me that he presents to others, it's frustrating to me that he has such a defeatist attitude towards the status of our relationship. Yes, I left, but there is no way our issues would have been acknowledged, nevertheless addressed, had I stayed home with him.
You mention my family having a discussion with him; they completely agree with this. My mom found me on the phone with him in tears earlier today; I haven't been upset like this in well over a month and it's so frustrating to feel like I'm going backwards after seeing him again. She eventually took the phone from me and told him he needs to come here and speak to us in person if he wants to talk; haven't heard from him since. He told me earlier in the conversation that he will probably not see me again until I go into labor, and that had he known I was still unsure about the status of things between us he never would have come, not even for the birth (though he says he wanted to be here for me and the baby).
So what's different, you ask? He is more open about his feelings and is a bit better about communication, but I know he still has a long ways to go. Though his encounter with my parents was awkward and our conversation unpleasant, he was able to control his temper and not act out or run away, something he would have normally done. But I'm also aware that he's a very broken person dealing with a lot of depression and issues within himself, which I know at the end of the day if I'm truthful with myself is one of the reasons why I haven't given up on him: I'm a fixer. He doesn't have a relationship with family; I'm the closest thing he has to someone he thought cared about him so to have been 'abandoned' by me (or so he thinks) leaves him feeling quite vulnerable. My therapist has said to me, and I agree, that he just doesn't seem to know how to love, or at least express his love in a productive manner. I know he's feeling tired and beat down to the point he actually cried while we were on the phone, something I've seen happen maybe 4 times in the 12 years I've known him...it just about broke my heart. I know what a good person he can be when he lets his walls down, but he's put up such a barrier with everyone it's hard to get anywhere with him.
Here's what I do know: I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want a family, and yes at this moment in time I still want a family with him. I want peace, and I want someone who is willing to fight for me at the end of the day because they can't imagine life without me. He says he wants the same, but he's so worried about being hurt that he gives up so easily, and I don't want to throw in the towel yet. Maybe I'm stupid, but it's the truth. Sorry this is such a long response.