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mellie99 posted 11/6/2013 21:40 PM

Saw my WH for the first time in 2 1/2 months tonight; he's in town for the impending birth of our first child. I've been living with my parents since I left but was home alone when he got there; it was rather awkward but he was very sweet initially. Gave me a hug, rubbed and kissed my belly, told me how happy he was to see me...thought things were going well. We went for a walk and talked, came back to the house and talked some more...again, I thought things were going okay until my family arrived home.

From that point on he seemed to be a different person: rather standoffish, haughty, a bit arrogant. I know he was uncomfortable as he doesn't have a relationship with my parents and he seems to think my family hates him (which they don't; they really want things to work out with us) but his behavior just came across very poorly. He left soon after their arrival and I received a 'lecture' from my family about his behavior; they were really disappointed by his attitude towards them and said he really doesn't seem to be trying. I really tried to take it all in stride but ended up bawling before all was said and done, which I haven't done in front of them since I've been here.

I'm just so frustrated: why does he act one way with me and then like a total jerk in front of others? It's no wonder people think the worst of him, and while I'm sure I'm slightly blinded by the fact that I care about him and probably miss a lot of his behaviors, it hurts that he only lets people see his bad side and then gets offended when they assume the worst about him. I really want things to work out with us, but feel like a fool every time he does stuff like this, especially in front of others. It's like he feels this need to prove to people how great he is, and in return comes off like an arrogant a$$hole. I'm hoping this was just a really awkward reunion and that things will be better tomorrow or in a few days but right now I'm feeling a lot of doubt and confusion.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 9:41 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

atsenaotie posted 11/7/2013 11:00 AM

Hi mellie99,

Congratulations on your pending birth, and so sorry you have to deal with this other crap.

It may well be that your WH feels very uncomfortable around your family given the history, and that he did not project the image he intended to. It may also be that your WH is an ass, and that is how he came across, I do not know.

I did pick up on something I think can help though:

...I received a 'lecture' from my family about his behavior; they were really disappointed by his attitude towards them and said he really doesn't seem to be trying.

Your family needs to lecture, or better yet have a discussion, with your WH, not you. They are putting you in the middle of their relationship (or lack of one) with WH. As he is the father of your child, he is probably going to be around for many years, even if the two of you do not R. Now is the time for them and he to begin open and honest communication. They do not have to like each other, but they do need to talk to each other. He is probably going to be around at school events, birthdays, etc, and it ultimately will impact your child if your family bad-mouths your WH to you and does not talk with him. Your WH has to establish some level of relationship with your family for just the same reasons. Again, he does not have to like them, but he has to be able to talk to them.

Finally, you are at a time where family and those who love you and your child should be supporting you, not piling their issues on to you. Can you turn this over to a trusted family member and ask him or her to try to set up a clear the air meeting with WH before the birth so that all the family can celebrate that together?

Best Wishes

--Ats

ETA: I read your story and I am leaning more towards he is an ass. Still, your family need to talk directly with him about their feelings, not through you.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:05 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

atsenaotie posted 11/7/2013 12:07 PM

Hi again mellie99,

I read a little more of your story and posts. In the time you have been separated, has you self-described SA WH done anything to address or work on his SA and other issues? Have you spoken with an attorny about your separation and custody issues, about child support? Do you want him around during delivery and after the delivery?

In what ways is he different than the man you left 2.5 months ago?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:08 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

mellie99 posted 11/7/2013 16:05 PM

Hi atsenaotie:

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's been a rough day for me. There are definitely some things that haven't changed, but I've come to the realization that part of the fault of that lies with me as well. But for starters, one of our continuous arguments is his lack of communication; I asked him to give me a call/text last night when he got to his hotel (he didn't want to stay at my parents' house) and let me know where he was...didn't hear from him until I finally called around 10 this morning.

I'm at fault in this because I let my parents go on and on about how they felt his visit should have gone and took these feelings to heart, to the point that I then feel like I took their disappointments out on him during our next conversation. While he admits he's not the same person around me that he presents to others, it's frustrating to me that he has such a defeatist attitude towards the status of our relationship. Yes, I left, but there is no way our issues would have been acknowledged, nevertheless addressed, had I stayed home with him.

You mention my family having a discussion with him; they completely agree with this. My mom found me on the phone with him in tears earlier today; I haven't been upset like this in well over a month and it's so frustrating to feel like I'm going backwards after seeing him again. She eventually took the phone from me and told him he needs to come here and speak to us in person if he wants to talk; haven't heard from him since. He told me earlier in the conversation that he will probably not see me again until I go into labor, and that had he known I was still unsure about the status of things between us he never would have come, not even for the birth (though he says he wanted to be here for me and the baby).

So what's different, you ask? He is more open about his feelings and is a bit better about communication, but I know he still has a long ways to go. Though his encounter with my parents was awkward and our conversation unpleasant, he was able to control his temper and not act out or run away, something he would have normally done. But I'm also aware that he's a very broken person dealing with a lot of depression and issues within himself, which I know at the end of the day if I'm truthful with myself is one of the reasons why I haven't given up on him: I'm a fixer. He doesn't have a relationship with family; I'm the closest thing he has to someone he thought cared about him so to have been 'abandoned' by me (or so he thinks) leaves him feeling quite vulnerable. My therapist has said to me, and I agree, that he just doesn't seem to know how to love, or at least express his love in a productive manner. I know he's feeling tired and beat down to the point he actually cried while we were on the phone, something I've seen happen maybe 4 times in the 12 years I've known him...it just about broke my heart. I know what a good person he can be when he lets his walls down, but he's put up such a barrier with everyone it's hard to get anywhere with him.

Here's what I do know: I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want a family, and yes at this moment in time I still want a family with him. I want peace, and I want someone who is willing to fight for me at the end of the day because they can't imagine life without me. He says he wants the same, but he's so worried about being hurt that he gives up so easily, and I don't want to throw in the towel yet. Maybe I'm stupid, but it's the truth. Sorry this is such a long response.

atsenaotie posted 11/8/2013 15:04 PM

I want someone who is willing to fight for me at the end of the day because they can't imagine life without me.

So in what ways is he fighting to fix his brokeness and move past his depression to be the man you want and need? To be the father his child will need? A person with a defeatest attitude is not fighting for something, they are giving up.