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Do you buy this? I mean, I guess it's possible, but I tend to build it up as so much more in my head. WH says no, it was nothing special. Can I believe this or is this just the line they give us so they won't hurt us with the truth? He says all be ever wanted was an emotional connection. She pushed for the physical. He felt obligated to do the physical so he wouldn't lose the emotional/ego stroking. He said it was nothing special, but he did say it was sex so it felt good. Nothing crazy or kinky. I don't know. I don't know what to believe or what I want to hear. I guess there is no right answer for me.

I was told he same. I chose to believe it. I know I'm great, that's all that matters.

My WS described it as 'uncomfortable'. He had sex with OW 3x. He said she was non-orgasmic so he was only concerned with himself.. he said he had trouble penetrating her more than half way (she said it was because she hadn't had sex in so long ) and he had trouble staying hard because of it and just pulled away and finished himself off on 2 of those occasions. The third time she was blowing him and he said it was 'robotic' and he again pulled away from her and finished himself off.. Do I believe it? I dunno.. I asked why he kept going back, he said he thought it would get better , but it didn't.

Hmm. Mechanical sex doesn't count?

Interesting ideas that waywards have aren't they.

My fWH said the same. He was with her 3 times and couldn't hold an erection the first 2. She never had an O and told him that he hurt her cuz he was much bigger than her H. He said she was loose but there was also blockage so he couldn't get in. He said he thought of her as a body and there was no emotional connection. Sounds like they were literally a bad fit. She was very short with small everything. So I'm glad neither of them enjoyed it. He felt extreme guilt after the 3rd time and never did her again.

She was a craigslist whore who was the aggressor. When they met she said and acted like it was for sex. But she turned out to be a bunny boiler who was looking for financial gain. Getting rid of her turned into a nitemare for him given he didn't want me to find out.

Turns out she's had 7 kids with 4men. She assured my fWH that her tubes were tied when the condom broke. She told him soon after the 3rd sex act that tube ties can fail and she mite be pregnant. Luckily she wsn't. He smelled a setup and found out she had even said she was 2 years older than she is.

"Mechanical, eh? Might I suggest an inflatable love-doll R2D2 with three love openings next time?"

I call bullsh*t. Sorry. My FWH wanted bj's and that's what he went for and got from those multiple OW as well as full-on sex in the car, by the park, online, etc. My FWH just wanted to feel good cause he was in a "bad marriage" and is a victim of my verbal abuse . He's told me he finds women who looks like me cause he's always thinking of me. He's also told me that the sex was "nothing" and that he never went down on them like he did with me - like that would make it non-eww. Anyhow, every time I hear "sex is nothing", "sex is all physical", "sex was just a release", now I hear "sex is mechanical"... yea... I'll call it as I see it bullsh*t, it's SEX. They FUCKED. PERIOD.

I know it's hard to accept sometimes but they screwed. It was difficult to not make that about me as a BS but understanding and accepting they had sex is a step in the right direction. It's not about us. It's about broken people who we have no control over and never will. Dwelling on the type of sex they had I don't believe is helpful. It's honestly more important to dwell on why did they feel they need that from those AP? Why did they feel that they could not come to the BS for comfort?

Hope that helps.

I heard "mechanical" and "awkward". Also even OW admitted that he couldn't maintain an erection.

ha.

hahahahahaha!!!!

Sorry, but double HA.

Do I buy the mechanical/awkward thing? Yes and no. Yes, I don't believe he has the confidence to really "give it" to someone and let himself go the way he has with me (we've been together half our lives) and no...I know he enjoyed it on some level. Whether it was just an ego thing that he could get another woman or that she was so good at faking it that he believed he was doing great. Lol. Knowing her I don't think she got much out of it. She's a needy controlling psycho with androgynous features and zero sexual appeal.

However, as he said "it wasn't torture".

Frankly, I don't care anymore-another reason I signed the papers. I am sick of trying to get into his head. I know the next time I have sex I am going to make it count. It won't be mechanical!! What a waste of sex!

I got the "awkward" and "horrible". She couldnt come, her body was too skinny, etc. But he went back for seconds so i have a hard time believing that.

WH said "awkward" and not "hot amazing sex" as OW had said.

He started the Viagra around that time. I have no clue. His agenda will forever be hidden.

My WH had sex with 16 hookers and one ho-worker.

He said the sex was terrible with all of them. He referred to the sex with the hookers as "assisted masturbation". He claimed that he thought he could go home and masturbate or for $10 he could have sex with a hooker. (all of the hooker encounters took place while he was deployed in Thailand).

Do I believe it? Kinda yes, kinda no. Yes I think it probably wasn't great. These girls are doing a job, they're not enjoying themselves. There's no connection, just a sack of meat. But if it really wasn't enjoyable why do it 16 times?

He also said that sex with ho-worker was awful, he couldn't maintain an erection, and he eventually faked an orgasm to just get away from the whole situation. Once again.....

In the end, I'm getting to a point where I just don't care what he claims. The point is that he did it, not whether or not he had a good time doing it.

Right...why keep going back?

I think erectile dysfunction happens a lot to WS though. I wonder why my STBX didn't get viagra?

He even said that the first time they tried the OW admitted that every guy she's ever slept with has had trouble getting hard with her the first time.

Haha...I guess she was really upset and crying about it.

I'm sorry, but I think that is hilarious.

I am going to hell for laughing at that, but sometimes it just helps me sleep at night.

I think its possible, but unlikely. Especially from the male side.

I dont think affair sex is necessarily very kinky or freaky. But its probably exciting in various ways.

I think people have layers of emotions. Being objective, WS can have all sorts of feelings before, during, after. Some bad. Some magnificent.

I think the vast majority of WS want to downplay the magnificent part. I can even understand why they do it.

To me, though, if my wh is willing to admit the things which are hardest to tell me, I would have more faith in everything he was saying. Thats jmho.

[This message edited by DrivingPast at 9:38 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

My WH told me that they were together physically 3-4 times, but that they only had actual intercourse once, & that he had difficulty during intercourse because he felt guilty. Didn't stop him from buying a new box of condoms the next day (which I later found in his car) & giving OW some to keep in her house "for the next time". So, he may have felt guilty, but he was planning to go back for more.

He kept contacting her for 5 mos after Dday , that I know of, because "the sex was so good", but he states there was no more physical contact after Dday.

So, ok, he is back home with me & the kids for 2 years now, & things are better between us, but how do I forget all of that^^^^^^ & I have no idea what the real truth is

I think there are many factors to consider along WITH this question. For example: Did they only have sex once or twice, or was this ongoing, multiple times? If it only happened once or twice and then came to a stop, I'd be inclined to believe him. If it happened frequently over a period of time, then I would think he is trying to minimize this to you.

WH basically told me the same about his one sexual encounter with OW. He said that it was very vanilla - they undressed themselves, she did not participate in any foreplay and his end of it was very brief, she laid on the bed and about her only contribution to their "experience" was to scratch his back. He said that he estimates it was no more than 15-20 minutes from the time he walked into her house to the time he left and he likened it to masturbating. He said it was nothing like he had expected, nothing like she had promised, and felt no more satisfying than if he were home doing it himself. He did not go back for round two (just continued sexting for another 6 months).

So yes, I think this can be an honest statement. Definitely. But I think there are a lot of things you need to take into account along WITH it in order to more accurately assess it's level of truth.

Ambergray, it sounds like in your situation the sex was good but nothing special. When you start building it up in your head to be wild, passionate, secret, romantic or whatever, I would ask your H to describe it again.

I don't know what to believe or what I want to hear. I guess there is no right answer for me.

I think the right answer is the truth. If your gut says he's telling the truth, than maybe you need to hear it again. He should focus on how he felt and describe the reality of it.

In the end, I'm getting to a point where I just don't care what he claims. The point is that he did it, not whether or not he had a good time doing it.

Dameia, I get what you're saying, and my IC often said, "How would your situation be any different whether he enjoyed it or not?"

But do you guys think it's rugsweeping to say, "I don't care whether the sex was awesome or awful."? I ask because when I push aside thoughts of what the sex was actually like, they come back and haunt me. I think it's because it IS a different situation if the sex was really bad. It means the wayward is a different kind of messed-up. It's not your garden variety "I did it because it felt good and I wanted it." It's something even more self-destructive, twisted or compulsive.

Here's the other thing. If I give up trying to understand what kind of sex they had and I just say, "F@cking is f@cking", I feel like I'm rugsweeping the honesty issue. H says it was horrible. Is he lying? Can I R with a man who's still lying to me? I don't think I can, so we talk about it again and again. He describes what happened and his feelings. I gain a little more insight into my H--a man who's abusive childhood was so scarring that he allowed himself to feel obligated and trapped into bad sex with an unstable person.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 8:36 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

I heard the exact same thing.....it was mechanical, I wasn't comfortable. He also said, he couldn't wait to get out of the hotel room after the hook up!

I was told sex is better with me because we have a connection.

You know what? I smell some deep doo doo!

Because, like you heard above, sex is sex and it feels good!

Blah blah blah!!!!

I don't buy it. Even with Trac-Fone's very real ... disabilities... I don't believe that he had sex with OW multiple times if it was mechanical, or unsatisfactory, or he couldn't get it up.

I DO believe--and this is simply because I know his medical history and meds--that he didn't orgasm the time he told me he didn't.

Of course, his failure to orgasm did not cause him to stop trying....

Do you buy this?

Not really, wayward spouses go into such damage control mode and speak so much bullshit that you have to take most of what they tell you with a grain of salt, anyway. But the enjoyment/compatibility factor is totally irrelevant to me. They shouldn't have had any sex, good or bad, in the first place.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:32 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

So I have another perspective on this today.

Hear me out.

Our papers are at the courthouse waiting to be put through.

I went out on a date last night.

This is the first man I have kissed besides my STBX in 18 years.

18 years.

It was FANTASTIC. (Didn't have sex, just a little making out)

I felt alive, wanted, desirable, like there was no one else in the world but me.

It made me think that this whole "mechanical" and "awkward" thing is total bullshit. Ok, maybe at one point the sex became awkward, but at least leading up to it must have been invigorating.

I also got "it was different".

Yeah, it was different, because no 2 people are alike.

Now, I do NOT believe they had any kind of cosmic connection or that they "made love". It was sex. Probably awkward because he couldn't maintain an erection.

Maybe last night's date wasn't awkward because that was NOT an issue. Lol.

But I digress...

At some point the endorphins are kicking and it feels good.

Later after they realize what they've done they may fully regret it. Maybe it was a little awkward or more hard work than they thought it would be. But mine went back just as many do.

It makes me sick to think about it...and frankly I don't want to think about it.

Some things are deal breakers.