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New TT and Trigger.

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Crazyman642 posted 11/7/2013 12:23 PM

Don't know if this belongs in Just Found Out, but I did. AGAIN, Sorta.

WW Finally admitted that during the phone sex with the OP, that she was touching herself and "trying". Up until now she had said that everything was faked. Her definition of faked, I couldn't orgasm so I was faking it." That is pretty much what she told me. Which I kinda already knew was bullshit, but I had been listening to it for months and guess I wanted to beleive it. To her the admission was a difficult talk.

i have trying really hard to move towards R. I have been going through old pictures of good times, and posting comments about how beautiful my WW is and told her about pictures I had never seen. She says on ya I know that pic I really like it. Then it hits me, all these pictures, ones that I took, that made her looking stunning, that were beyond special to me.(sitting on my desk as work for two years.) these are the very pictures that she shared with her OP. For some reason they just don't feel special any more...

How about this one, during the time of her one year affair, my dumb ass not knowning, went as far as to buy this beautiful anniversary band. Then it hits me since she ie left handed that that ring is probably in the picture she sent him of her playing with herself.

I know I am just sitting here bitching, but how do i get the anger to calm back down. We are supposed to go see our pastor tonight and our MC next Tuesday. I don't want to go to either right now. Then she texts asking if she can take me on a date night tomorrow, she will drive I can drink. I am afraid if I start drinking I will unload all of this in a blaze of emotions. I am barely holding it together right now.

bubbling over...

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/7/2013 12:35 PM

Drinking is bad, dont do it. Go out but go eat something healthy. She is not safe, so do not discuss the affair. If she starts to, hold up your hand and tell her youre too angry right now, then talk about the kids. I believe in no contact for the first month after discovery, so make sure if you go out with her you set the boundaries, not her.

Raven96 posted 11/7/2013 16:07 PM

I'm so sorry. She NEEDS to understand that this stupid TT is slowly nailing the coffin shut. UGH!

How is she other than "wanting to take you out?" Is she remorseful? Is she doing the things you need her to do to heal? Has she read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?"

I don't have any good advice, other than when the images and thoughts get so overwhelming that I can't handle it I tend to either take a nap or go for a walk. Do you know anyone with a punching bag you can borrow for an hour or so??


Uhtred posted 11/7/2013 19:08 PM

Your wife and mine must have gotten together and concocted their stories together. My wife also said that she only had an orgasm twice with the other man out of all the times she had sex with him.

She also says that he was unable to finish. Damn this really pisses me off that they lie like they do and expect us to believe it.

Crazyman642 posted 11/8/2013 07:35 AM

Just to clarify a couple points. We are three plus months from DDay. We have been in MC since I found out and started seeing the Crisis pastor from our church. I bought and she said read the book. As a matter of fact I am going to back through it today and take notes from my side and let her read them. Also, her affair was and EA that lead to pictures and phone sex. Still PA in my opinion, but she claims no physical contact. Though the OP only lived (he is dead now, I didnt do it.) four hours away and I travel all the time for work out of the country. I checked cell phone record and could not correlate any time that they were in the same place and time. Was always time and date stamped from VA and PA in this case.

I have been TT to death, and it has made everything so much harder. I made the mistake once of saying to her that when I am in a mood that she could distract me with sex. More joking than anything (was a good day) now she trys to use it all the time.

All of this from a stupid on line video game called Second Life. If you know anyone that plays stop them. It destroys lives...

If I just didn't think about it anymore I am sure everything would go to like it was before I found out, but like it was lead to her having an affair for a year. I told her yesterday there is no like it was before. That marriage is dead and gone. I told her I feel like I am dragging her threw this R process. She REALLY wants to R, but I just don't feel that she understands what she has done. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would be gone.

Sorry, bitching again...Any thoughts?

numb&dumb posted 11/8/2013 16:08 PM

One point for you to realize that was kind of a ah hah moment for me. She had a year head start to create all kinds of justifications, compartmentalize it, etc.

In her mind those things are keeping in a place where she doesn't have to deal with it.

Mine did until she got the mail and saw the invoice from my attorney (I know it wasn't smart to have it send to my house). She asked me what it was for, I told her I consulted him and asked him to begin drawing up a S agreement and a D agreement.

Up until that point she honestly believed that it was "no big deal." After all she had told herself that countless times over three years.

I am not saying that is the right way to deal with this, but something needs to show her that this is real and does have consequences, big ones.

She wants to go out tonight ? Tell her you don't want to. Tell her you need to be alone. Tell you are are re-thinking your life. Fear can be a powerful motivator.

Have you expressed your feelings to her so she can see how much this has rocked your world and hurt you ?

You need to impress upon her that this is not going away and the sooner she digs in the sooner it will be over (sin years).

Maybe ask her to read NJF or After the affair ?

As far as the sex thing, it is fairly common (raising my hand) I felt I had needs and it was easiest when she wanted to help me meet them. I was clear that it was not a "everything is OK," or apology accepted kind of thing. It was physical and not emotional. Honestly it was the only that helped me feel better earlier on.

Being clear about what it means can help curb he attempts to stifle or shut you up.

Crazyman642 posted 11/10/2013 17:55 PM

I kinda dropped the bomb on her last week. Told her that I am no longer trying to fix this she created the problem and if she wants this marriage to have a chance from here on out it is all on her to fix it.

She knows and says she is sorry, I feel it, but still wonder if she is sorry she got caught. I am sure that is a common thing.

She is doing a lot to try to make it up to me, but I needed more. The ideal of a set something coming from an attorney would be a really good wake up. If I dont start rapidly seeing results I will drop that one on her next.

We are currently reading the how to help your spouse heal from your affair, maybe one of those will come next.

Sex is a good thing I guess from all this.. :)

whyme1525 posted 11/10/2013 21:00 PM

I think our sspouses took lessons from each other cause I heard the same bullshit from my wife and ive thought about the band in the picture she sent of her playing with herself to the om and it want to rip that ring right off her finger.....

cuckhold posted 11/11/2013 18:45 PM

Regret= passive

remorse= active

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