One point for you to realize that was kind of a ah hah moment for me. She had a year head start to create all kinds of justifications, compartmentalize it, etc.
In her mind those things are keeping in a place where she doesn't have to deal with it.
Mine did until she got the mail and saw the invoice from my attorney (I know it wasn't smart to have it send to my house). She asked me what it was for, I told her I consulted him and asked him to begin drawing up a S agreement and a D agreement.
Up until that point she honestly believed that it was "no big deal." After all she had told herself that countless times over three years.
I am not saying that is the right way to deal with this, but something needs to show her that this is real and does have consequences, big ones.
She wants to go out tonight ? Tell her you don't want to. Tell her you need to be alone. Tell you are are re-thinking your life. Fear can be a powerful motivator.
Have you expressed your feelings to her so she can see how much this has rocked your world and hurt you ?
You need to impress upon her that this is not going away and the sooner she digs in the sooner it will be over (sin years).
Maybe ask her to read NJF or After the affair ?
As far as the sex thing, it is fairly common (raising my hand) I felt I had needs and it was easiest when she wanted to help me meet them. I was clear that it was not a "everything is OK," or apology accepted kind of thing. It was physical and not emotional. Honestly it was the only that helped me feel better earlier on.
Being clear about what it means can help curb he attempts to stifle or shut you up.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.