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Newest Member: RoreverBlue (61146)

User Topic: Is it cheating? Or am I looking too far in
Member # 41276
Helpless  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,
Im 22 years old and have been in a relationship with my husband for 7 years, and have been married for 1 year. we have a 2 year old together. We have never broken up in any way, but we fight alot. I found out about 5 years ago he was in contact with other females. I started to feel uncomfortable about it when I found out he put a lock on his phone and wouldnt share the PW with me. needless to say I became obsessed and watched his every move until I acquired the PW. when I entered his phone I saw message upon message, to girls that were very innapropraite,along with photo exchanges. I even came across a conversation with a girl saying I just lived in the basement because my parents abused me.(which was very untrue) I confronted the girls first and they gave me all the info i asked for, but no one confirmed that they actually met up or did anything physically. so here i am now 7 years later with our child and things seem to go off and on, when hes with me he makes me feel like the only person he has eyes for. yet from time to time i see him sneaking around on his phone or email. I have found several secret email addresses and have hacked into them finding him answering Craigslist ads. Again, I have never found him to actually act out on his actions. yet im still extremely hurt. I do not want to leave him. I love him. I want to forgive him but it seems like a pattern, few months fine, and then he slips back. what should i do?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If it's making you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop. Sneaking around with his phone is never a good sign of things to come. The old saying is true...people that having nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Have you talked to him about this? What does he say about it?

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 210060 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, he will keep doing this as long as you let him. And by looking aside, you are giving him permission. I know this is horribly unfair, because you're TELLING him how wrong this is -- so of course you're not really giving him permission. But you ARE giving him permission by your actions -- the hard truth is that sometimes tough love is needed. He has to see that he might lose you if he doesn't stop. If he can't stop, then you don't want him anyway.

You're so young! Think about living out your life with someone you don't trust. Why should you put up with that?

[This message edited by Blobette at 1:29 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

BS (me): 51
WS: 52
Married: 27 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 13937
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but yes it is cheating. At least by my definition. No married/committed person sends pictures of their bare cookies to members of the opposite sex without some intent.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to tell him. But you need to be prepared for him to deny, make you feel like it is all in your head, and no big deal. Bullshit. It IS a big deal.
Read the 180 in the healing library and stay strong.

What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Not Lothlorien
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever considered that the reason why your marriage is having such a tough time is because one of you isn't giving it their all? My FWH had been cheating on me when we were dating all the way until 7 years after we got married. In all that time, the cheating is what made our marriage worse even though I didn't know about it at the time cause he kept comparing me to the multiple OW and his perspective is skewed looking at himself as the victim in our marriage.

Cheaters tend to only think about themselves. All cheaters are selfish, all cheaters lie. Selfishness does not lead to a good healthy marriage. Neither does dishonesty.

Please read the healing library.

Hugs your way.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to touch someone or even talk to them in person to cheat. Once you are hiding text messages with other women from your're basically there.

In my relationship, I define cheating as anything my H or I were to do with a person of the opposite sex that we wouldn't do with our SO right there.

Hiding text messages, secret e-mail accounts, lying to other women about who you are and your relationship with him, and answering gross CL ads...VERY much cheating, disrespectful, and not okay. I can't say as to if he has met up with these people or not. My H did the same thing and never met women in person. It was still cheating, it was still gross, and it still hurts.

You have the right to be loved exclusively. I am so sorry this is happening, and that he is treating you with such disrespect.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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