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Is it cheating? Or am I looking too far in

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youngwife posted 11/7/2013 13:01 PM

Hi there,
Im 22 years old and have been in a relationship with my husband for 7 years, and have been married for 1 year. we have a 2 year old together. We have never broken up in any way, but we fight alot. I found out about 5 years ago he was in contact with other females. I started to feel uncomfortable about it when I found out he put a lock on his phone and wouldnt share the PW with me. needless to say I became obsessed and watched his every move until I acquired the PW. when I entered his phone I saw message upon message, to girls that were very innapropraite,along with photo exchanges. I even came across a conversation with a girl saying I just lived in the basement because my parents abused me.(which was very untrue) I confronted the girls first and they gave me all the info i asked for, but no one confirmed that they actually met up or did anything physically. so here i am now 7 years later with our child and things seem to go off and on, when hes with me he makes me feel like the only person he has eyes for. yet from time to time i see him sneaking around on his phone or email. I have found several secret email addresses and have hacked into them finding him answering Craigslist ads. Again, I have never found him to actually act out on his actions. yet im still extremely hurt. I do not want to leave him. I love him. I want to forgive him but it seems like a pattern, few months fine, and then he slips back. what should i do?

Deeply Scared posted 11/7/2013 13:23 PM


If it's making you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop. Sneaking around with his phone is never a good sign of things to come. The old saying is true...people that having nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Have you talked to him about this? What does he say about it?

Blobette posted 11/7/2013 13:28 PM

Unfortunately, he will keep doing this as long as you let him. And by looking aside, you are giving him permission. I know this is horribly unfair, because you're TELLING him how wrong this is -- so of course you're not really giving him permission. But you ARE giving him permission by your actions -- the hard truth is that sometimes tough love is needed. He has to see that he might lose you if he doesn't stop. If he can't stop, then you don't want him anyway.

You're so young! Think about living out your life with someone you don't trust. Why should you put up with that?

[This message edited by Blobette at 1:29 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

whiteflower99 posted 11/7/2013 14:22 PM

I'm sorry but yes it is cheating. At least by my definition. No married/committed person sends pictures of their bare cookies to members of the opposite sex without some intent.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to tell him. But you need to be prepared for him to deny, make you feel like it is all in your head, and no big deal. Bullshit. It IS a big deal.
Read the 180 in the healing library and stay strong.

Simple posted 11/7/2013 16:32 PM

Have you ever considered that the reason why your marriage is having such a tough time is because one of you isn't giving it their all? My FWH had been cheating on me when we were dating all the way until 7 years after we got married. In all that time, the cheating is what made our marriage worse even though I didn't know about it at the time cause he kept comparing me to the multiple OW and his perspective is skewed looking at himself as the victim in our marriage.

Cheaters tend to only think about themselves. All cheaters are selfish, all cheaters lie. Selfishness does not lead to a good healthy marriage. Neither does dishonesty.

Please read the healing library.

Hugs your way.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/7/2013 19:25 PM

You don't have to touch someone or even talk to them in person to cheat. Once you are hiding text messages with other women from your're basically there.

In my relationship, I define cheating as anything my H or I were to do with a person of the opposite sex that we wouldn't do with our SO right there.

Hiding text messages, secret e-mail accounts, lying to other women about who you are and your relationship with him, and answering gross CL ads...VERY much cheating, disrespectful, and not okay. I can't say as to if he has met up with these people or not. My H did the same thing and never met women in person. It was still cheating, it was still gross, and it still hurts.

You have the right to be loved exclusively. I am so sorry this is happening, and that he is treating you with such disrespect.

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