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simplydevastated posted 11/7/2013 14:13 PM

This has been something I've been thinking about for a while.

Be careful who you tell about your WS's A. In the beginning we all feel lost. Our emotions are raw and we are lucky if we make it one full day without crying. We all need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.

I'm not saying never tell anyone. What I'm saying is to think long and hard about what you want in your relationship first, then think long and hard about who you feel comfortable talking to, because once you start talking about it you can't take the words back.

If you chose to R with your WS be careful which family member/friend you tell because it could cause a rift and make R'ing with your WS that much more difficult. You don't need the added stress of having a family member constantly calling your WS an idiot and telling you that you're an idiot for staying. Who needs that? No one.

Another thing to keep in mind when you tell someone is that you cannot control what the other person says. You can ask them to not say anything, but that is not a 100% guarantee that they will listen. They could tell someone thinking that they are acting in your best interest and are trying to help, when all you wanted to do was to get this horrible information off your chest. You don't want your private life turning into town gossip.

A quote that I like from Benjamin Franklin - "Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

Again, I'm not saying not to talk to anyone about your situation. I'm just saying to please think about your own situation, what you road you want to travel, and then chose wisely who you decide to confide in.


Chippednotbroken posted 11/7/2013 14:20 PM

I agree. However, I haven't told Anyone. I have no support. I am going to a counselor tomorrow. But I fell down the rabbit hole and contacted the AP. she didnt know aBout me until DDay which was 3 months ago. This is the first contact we have had. I find myself clinging to her emails. Like I want to be besties because she is the only one who knows. Apparently she has talked to WH friends about it, some are still lying. But she can talk to whoever she wants, she is not with WH. I feel like a crazy person.

karmahappens posted 11/7/2013 14:27 PM

For me, I told many people. I was a little bat-shit-crazy at the time so I probably told people I don't even remember.

I don't mind though. It doesn't bother me who knows, who talks about it now, who thinks I am stupid for staying and even those that think I wasn't a good enough wife and possibly deserved it.

Meh, doesn't matter.

What my husband and I have gone through is a lot of hard work, soul searching, acceptance and learning. Anyone not willing to appreciate that won't appreciate us,and that's ok.

We have been married 25 years. Anyone that wants in on how we make it, how we are so happy, better sit down and buckle in. I don't just tell random people, but we have had a few couples ask us how we can be so happy after such a long time. For those that need to hear the truth, I share.

I no longer live a life of secrets or shame, I am very proud of who we are, who we have become and how we got here. We have had our shitty times but you won't ever catch me hiding from them or pretending they didn't matter.

For anyone that wants to cast a snide remark behind my back, it's ok. I bet I am in a happier place than they are and I bet their marriage has darkness they might be afraid to look at. None of it my business.

But that's just me, I understand others feel differently.

Sleepy312 posted 11/7/2013 14:30 PM

I totally agree. I didn't tell anyone for seven years. After seven years when there was a second D Day about the original affair I told one good friend. To this day I haven't told anyone in my family, and I never intend to unless we do divorce because family members tend to never forgive our significant others for hurting us.

I did give a little bit of information to my mother in law recently. It's hard to hide my hostility towards my husband sometimes, and when I gave her a snippet her comment was no wonder you have anxiety attacks and lost so much weight. DUH! I'm not just a crazy person like your son has led you to think. So, my MIL, SIL and her husband know.

Having a brother who is a serial cheater and recently divorced after 21 years of marriage I am ok with my husband's family knowing the truth because it sheds a lot of light on what is actually happening instead of the cheating men manipulating their families to think they are the victims.

Best to keep it to yourself and choose very wisely who you share the information with because most friends and family can't get past it.

Healing2012 posted 11/7/2013 14:34 PM

I agree. I waited almost four months to tell anyone Nd it's as killing me. I ended up telling the one person I knew would not judge me or my WH. At the time I wanted to R so I. Definitely did not tell many people...especially my family.

As time went on and I discovered he continued to have contact with the OW, I told more people. R seemed like it would never happen so I told my family. I kind of regret that now. On one hand they deserved to know, but things will never be the same again. We are in limbo, maybe even toying with the idea of R. I don't know how that could even happen now with all my family knows.

crazyblindsided posted 11/7/2013 14:48 PM

I am just like you karmahappens

mainlyinpain posted 11/7/2013 15:13 PM

For the first year I told no one except WH's brother, who helped me get him to tell the truth (well, some truths).

After a year, my sister hunted me down and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. I let it out and that felt really good, the telling and the support afterwards.

The problem is, she told others and I did not want that. It is difficult living life knowing that people talk about you and it and him and her.....behind your back. Difficult walking into social situations and feeling that. That they observe you to see how you are doing and make assessments and the worst is that you know that they are deciding why he wanted someone other than you. Looking at your obvious flaws or wondering where else you are deficient. Was she bad at sex? Not interesting? Not attentive, suppportive? On and on.
So, you do have to choose carefully but you have to tell some people.
I sometimes think though, this is such a trauma, catastrophe for the BS. In any other situation like this, people would shower them with attention, kindness and support. If they get cancer, if they suffer a loss, lose a limb.
It is hard to keep secret that you are in pain, harmed and also living with the person who caused this and who may still be causing it or will in the future. There is no RX or treatment or operation or radiation for this pain.
But I know that someone who has never experienced this will never get it. My whole outlook on infidelity changed when it happened to me. I always thought I would be consumed with anger and outrage and immediately kick him to the curb. The crushing, immobiliziing, overwhelming, overriding pain I felt instead was a complete surprise. Anger does not override it, at least not for me. I could not rise above the pain to meet any anger, to be empowered by it. Still don't seem to be able to. There is no stage of grief for me in this where I end up with acceptance as you would with a death. hindsight, or if I were to give advice, I would think the most luck you would have is to tell someone close to you who you know has also been a victim. They will understand. I didn't know anyone incredibly. In my world I alone on this planet.
But unfortunatley, statistically most people do probably know someone

In the end I agree, be careful who you tell.

Simple posted 11/7/2013 16:21 PM

Agree, fully. People who've gone through this situation is usually the best ones to tell if you need that support - hence I came to SI . Also, I told some really close friends and my sister who are all "friends of the marriage". Basically those people who understand forgiveness and wants what's best for BOTH parties. Not just one.

Itstoohard posted 11/7/2013 16:58 PM

I understand and I too have only told my adult daughter. But I wonder sometimes if we are not wrong not to "share" what we are going thru. Maybe if we did talk about it other people would be more apt to look for the signs of A. I'm sure we all do know many couples where one has cheated but becuz do one will talk about it we think we are the minority. If we think no one is having affairs we are less likely to ever think our SO is. I am so thankful for SI but maybe less of us would be here if we knew before hand how prevalent affairs are.

CryingGreenEyes posted 11/7/2013 17:02 PM

Very solid advice! Thankfully (and I don't know how) I managed to navigate my way through that thought process while I was dying on the inside. I only told people that would not treat him any differently, regardless of what I decided to do. I am blessed to have a great support system of family and friends. Not everyone is so lucky. This is good advice though, hopefully it will penetrate through the grief and tears and help others through those early days!

deena posted 11/7/2013 17:24 PM

I only told one friend in the four years I have positively known about the affair. Besides a counsellor.
I only have told her, partly because she had an abusive terrible marriage, but mostly because I got tired of her gushing about how much weight I had lost.
And I have never told my kids because I didn't want them to lose a father like I lost a husband.

myperfectlife posted 11/7/2013 17:59 PM

I told my close friends. They needed to know what was wrong, it was obvious I was in crisis.
Also, the whole damn town knows so it wasn't a secret.
In hindsight, I am glad people know. Because now that I have signed papers and I see it from their point of view, I wondered why the hell I stayed as long as I did.
I have to be able to sleep at night and look in the mirror.
Everyone's story is different, and my STBX made his bed with hundreds of insane choices, over and over-not just a ONS then immediate NC. So the looks he gets are his deserts.
I even told the lady who does my nails.
ETA: and of course my kids know because you can't swing a cat in this town without hitting someone who saw them together and says "who was that blond with your dad? your mom is much prettier!"

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 6:00 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

I think I can posted 11/7/2013 18:55 PM

When I kicked him out I told everybody. Never regretted it either--it wasn't my damn fault.

Personalities differ.

Gr8Lady posted 11/7/2013 20:37 PM

Excellent advice. Be careful who you tell and when.
If you do reconcile, and your family "knows", they will never feel the same about the WS.

myperfectlife posted 11/7/2013 21:40 PM

I'm sorry, they will never feel the same. WS doesn't deserve for them to feel the same.
My FOO knows and they all love my WS unconditionally but they are so insanely disappointed with the choices he made.
They and all of my friends would have stood by me no matter the choice I made. They would have expected me to EXPECT ENOUGH from my STBX if we were reconciling that if he could satisfy ME, it would exceed THEIR expectations.
If you have family and friends who can't understand why you would stay with someone then yes, I agree, don't tell them. But I think most people who have been married or have kids, or in something of a long term relationship-know that it is not an easy answer.
That, or I have just been very lucky that all of my friends and family have understood this.
On the other hand, I am divorcing, so maybe I just don't care as much.
Personally- his family is even more disappointed in him than mine is at this point. Because he represents them, and he failed them as well.

mainlyinpain posted 11/8/2013 10:29 AM

You can never know what someones reaction will be. Sometimes it is tempered by their own experience with infidelity whether as a BS or WS. So you kind of need to know their view on infidelity before you tell them. You don't want someone who will support the WS bad choice.

So, telling people who are supportive of the marriage would also put more eyes on the WS, eyes who now know not to dismiss little things that before they would have shrugged off. They can help you make sure that something isn't creeping back in.

And a kind word, a question "How is it going" from someone who knows what you are going through, can really be uplifting.

KatieG posted 11/8/2013 10:41 AM

I agree. At the beginning, I was going through so many emotions - hourly - that I thought, if I tell someone I will need to keep them up to date with what's happening and that seemed exhausting to me. I also couldn't bear the thought of people judging me or him. Friends sometimes think they are being supportive by agreeing with me and then I thought other people would just say leave him and if I didn't they would judge me.

So much has happened in a short time, I would find it very difficult to explain my position. I don't need he "How's it going?" question. I wanted to process my own stuff and then talk to my WBF.

I have told ONE friend, and she has gone through it - twice! I was her ear when she went through it and looking back I'm not sure I was that helpful. I wasn't judgmental but I kept thinking to myself, this would never happen to me! And now it has.

That's why this place is so good. We are all going through it and we all offer different thoughts and opinions. It just helps to listen to people who have been through it.

jjsr posted 11/8/2013 11:34 AM

I told someone whom I thought was my closest friend of 16+ years. At first she was very supportive of me and out attempts to R. Then contact became less and less and now there has been no contact in almost 2 years. Why? I don't know. We are both military wives and hadn't seen each other in person in 5 plus years at that point, but did speak on the phone a couple times a week. I was very hurt by her dumping me but what I have figured out is that if she was really my friend she wouldn't have dumped me.

Offhispedestal posted 11/8/2013 11:53 AM

I wish I wouldn't have told certain people. But it was not a choice for me. It was very obvious at the gym that they were both usually together , flirting etc... So once I joined the gym.
People were shocked because many didn't know he was married!

I agree that you can't always tell your family.
I did tell my family. It was a HUGE crushing blow for my mom.
I have NEVER, EVER seen her cry so emotionally. She ended up
Losing like 15+ lbs. She loved my H more than her own sons!!
I got a lot of support from my family and my sister inlaws.

After we got back together and decided to R a second time.
It took well over a yr and my mom seeing his actions. My H personally apologized to her for hurting me, hurting her and losing the respect she had for him. My oldest brother was not as easy to forgive. It took him like 2 yrs. My family has shown him forgiveness. My sisters love him and have all received individual apologies, he told me he was SOOO ashamed wishing he could just dig a hole and jump in. But he did this on his own knowing these were consequences and the only way to tear down that wall.

I lost a VERY close friend over this. She was actually the wife of his best friend since childhood. She was there for me
Long distance calling me everyday. She cried with me got angry for me. When I told her I was R she felt that he would cheat again and this time it would be with a much younger woman with no kids. It's hard to forgive long distance, hard to forgive without seeing the hard work, transparency, counseling... I tried contacting her several times and it became clear she did not want to talk to me. My H just couldn't believe she would stop being my friend... I let him know that when I was in a very dark place, she was there. She heard my cries, my hoarse voice, saw my weight loss in pics, my hair loss....
I understand

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 12:00 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 11/8/2013 12:52 PM

The only person other than IC/MC we told was someone I thought would support us and be a friend and encourager to me. Not to be. The next week after our talk with her I saw a picture of her at the OW house on Facebook. She told us they were not friends and that she had never hung out with her. I specifically asked her because they had crossed paths in the community. I felt a huge betrayal by her. We have not spoken since, but I know she still spends time with OW. I can only imagine what she told the OW because we bared our souls to this friend. I cannot believe she did this. We have known her for over 10 years and she was only an acquaintance of the OW for a few months.

I have not told a soul after that. That was enough. I have a huge trust issue.

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