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codependent and involved w "recovering" SA

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lonelylost posted 11/7/2013 14:24 PM

My ex was a closet SA. He never admitted anything. When I gathered all my proof I left. Ex let me go, never asking me back, thinking it was better to divorce than work on it. In my warped mind I was thinking I'll just find someone who would really love me.

Now I realize I'm codependent. Almost all of the characteristics I have: people pleasing, my mood is based on other's behavior towards me, agreeing to do things I don't really want to just to make them happy.

My problem is I'm involved with someone who claims to be a recovering SA (claims his SA only involved porn and compulsive masturbation which he has been clean since last year) who has been through therapy. He has been honest and is willing complete transparency because he knows my past. It has been almost 3 months and we are already saying "I love you" and talking about getting married next spring. Everything else about him is perfect.

A normal person would run like crazy. I've already caught him in half-truths about meaningless silly stuff. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to break up with him. He makes me feel amazing. My head is yelling this is crazy, this will end badly, but my gut wont do it. I can't break it off.

I don't want this to be my new beginning but I'm afraid I'm too weak to be alone.

HurtsButImOK posted 11/7/2013 14:30 PM

I'm afraid I'm too weak to be alone.

I fear for you that until you are sufficiently healed enough and comfortable enough in your own skin to be alone you will continue to attract and be drawn to 'broken' people.

Learn to love yourself first and foremost, it is the only way to be truly happy.

((lonelylost))

lieshurt posted 11/7/2013 14:40 PM

It has been almost 3 months and we are already saying "I love you" and talking about getting married next spring. Everything else about him is perfect.

Step back, take the rose colored glasses off and come back to reality hun. This just screams "hot mess of dysfunction".

A normal person would run like crazy. I've already caught him in half-truths about meaningless silly stuff. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to break up with him. He makes me feel amazing. My head is yelling this is crazy, this will end badly, but my gut wont do it. I can't break it off.

An emotionally healthy person would run like crazy.....from either one of you. As far as "I can't do it". Yes, you can. You are choosing not too.

If he is being dishonest about silly stuff now, what do you think he'll do about the serious stuff in the future?

Listen to your head. It's time to make wise choices for yourself.

E1979 posted 11/7/2013 14:50 PM

Oh my gosh, I'm you.
Minus the ex SA part. I am clearly a co-dependent person as well, based on your description of yourself.
Ugh, I am going to follow this thread....

E1979 posted 11/7/2013 14:50 PM

So true, I am attracting broken people.

Nature_Girl posted 11/7/2013 16:30 PM

I want something healthier for you. I want you to work on your emotional health for a while. Obviously there's still work to do because you're already involved with a SA again (recovering or not, that's where you ended up).

You already know the horror of being involved with a SA. Don't go there again. You deserve better.

lonelylost posted 11/7/2013 16:53 PM

Thanks for the responses. Even though I din't have a clear question, your messages give me encouragement.

HurtsButImOK: I want to be strong enough to put me first and work on myself. I have never been like that though. I guess his attention is how I am valuing myself. Dangerous I know. I'm hoping to find some really affordable therapy.

lieshurt: Yeah, we're both broken! He's in a group at church for restoring brokenness, which he bought me a workbook and wants me to follow along. When he does stuff like that, being interested in our health for a good relationship, I feel great! But then there always seems something I can't put my finger on about him that gets me panicky.

E1979: ((hugs)) Dating sucks, doesn't it! I completely left my marriage thinking I deserve someone better for a happy life. It's just not that easy, I think.

Nature_Girl: Thank you so much. I want healthier. I'm afraid I'm hooked because we already had sex. Something I wasn't even going to do before marriage. We both decided that wasn't the best route because of the guilt (we're into faith) and are refraining again. Oh, I'm a mess.

torn2bits posted 11/7/2013 18:19 PM

Lonely, please, please look at what you stated about your relationship. Its one thing to be with someone casually dating, but someone who you are talking marriage about should not be lieing to you!

I don't think you really want to go down the road with a SA. Please believe that you will find someone once you are healed.

Take good care of yourself.

NaiveAgain posted 11/7/2013 19:45 PM

He has been honest and is willing complete transparency because he knows my past
I've already caught him in half-truths about meaningless silly stuff. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to break up with him. He makes me feel amazing.
How important is trust to you in a relationship? You realize you will never have that with him, right? Your own statement about him is contradictory.

I want to be strong enough to put me first and work on myself. I have never been like that though
Also, look at it this way. In order to give someone else the love they deserve, first you have to be able to love yourself. You can't give what you yourself don't have.

But then there always seems something I can't put my finger on about him that gets me panicky
I think this is the most important statement you have said here. Listen to your gut. Your instincts are trying to tell you something.

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