Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Some changes
Joanh
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waiting for a bomb to drop, but trying not to think that way. Been so calm, anxiety on both sides, showing up in the aches and pains, breathing night sweats etc. Overall calmness. I find this where I myself have the most anxiety. The most fears of the unknown, I feel the most uncomfortablness . I fear the unknown, it feels unsafe. And my world my past my history has been an overall feeling of unsafe.
Walla! that's what it is , I've been searching and searching the what why and how's. What is my core, and it keeps coming back that in my world love and trust collide. I don't trust the world so I can be open to love , I live with a shell around me protecting me, stopping me from being whole. I hold on to it cause its safe. I know I will survive. And I have. I've survived , at what cost though. The cost has been to everyone around me, including myself.
Its been discussed how the BS may not feel safe around you no matter how hard the WS is working on their stuff learning and healing. I've found my answer.
I'm scared, and for what, my learned reaction and protection from my past. It's been the closest persons to me that have betrayed my trust, have left me unprotected, and what have I done, I brought into this relationship , into my marriage that baggage. Yes there are situations that caused that to return, I know in the beginning I did feel safe , loved, protected. And I do know now where and why it changed, but the problem was me. I didn't do anything different. I didn't express my true feelings of hurt fear, I pushed away and blocked and built my shell around me again. And saw my H like everyone else. Didn't see the rest of him, didn't see he knew and learnt from what he had done or the changes or the trying to show me that he loved me. I couldn't see that he has been there, he has been worthy and deserving of all of me and that he loved me. I didn't give him the chance to know my fears my vulnerabilities my internal shame and self hate and the things the have led me to see the world.
He would have loved me still. And would have been willing to help me and listen. It's my tainted vision of the world that has lead him into my mess.
THis I will be forever sorry for. This and my actions . I am also sorry for my myself to have given this much control and this much energy too. To have wasted so much of my life, on things and people and situations that I had no control over and had done to me. I have been living a half life. And it saddens me to know the people around me have paid such a heavy price.
I've been still caught in this and I am throwing it away. I burned it this morning.
As I started the fire today, I thought of the people and things I wanted to say and what the consequences of their actions have been on me. Some are alive some are dead. ANd watch them burn away. And it felt good. I still have some unanswered questions which will never be answered , Really though does it matter anymore. Its what I do now with it that matters. Nothing they say will change it.
It really sucks that its taken being at the bottom to make me realize the hold and the damage I have allowed. In spite of my affairs , In spite what the past has been, I will not just survive , I want to live, love and be loved.
AS I type this , there is still that internal battle going on. Part of me wants to apologies for getting better cause How dare I think I deserve anything and the other psrt of me says It's okay, you have too to make anything better for anyone near you.
It just reminds me the internal battles a person has. Its a work in progress, all the fears a person carries.
I can only hope that with these new understandings of myself that I can give to my H and my children the love and caring they so rightly deserve.
Thanks again for listening and for all of you here thank you.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I don't understand everything you wrote, and I apologize for that because I certainly understand it was extremely heartfelt and meaningful.

I did understand this:

Part of me wants to apologies for getting better cause How dare I think I deserve anything

and I am responding only to say that you deserve to get better if you want it. Everyone - EVERYONE - that is taking the risks of looking inward and trying to improve on what they see deserves to get better and find peace.

Looking inward can be scary for everyone. WSs don't have the market cornered on inner demons, they've just seen a real action that requires some immediate attention. Most of us are left to just ignore all those things that make silence so unbearable.

So don't you think for a second that you don't deserve to get better, find some peace, and some happiness. These things are deserved by everyone willing to put in the effort.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Raven96
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, too. I agree with Painfulpast.

Keep working toward your goal. Do something special for YOU tonight or tomorrow. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. You deserve to be happy in your M and with your family. Please remember that!

(((Joanh)


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Raven96
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, too. I agree with Painfulpast.

Keep working toward your goal. Do something special for YOU tonight or tomorrow. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. You deserve to be happy in your M and with your family. Please remember that!

(((Joanh)


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ 40379
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS here and in total agreement with Painful and Raven. Keep strong and move forward and all credit to you.

(((Hugs)))


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 248 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To Painfulpast (and the other obviously self-assured BS's) chiming in: those are kind words and support. They get me choked up. Because a big part of my healing has been that kind of love and care from my BS. In the heat of battle, when the chips were down, and when I was at my most selfish and cruel - and my BS hurt the most - she showed me the power of love and forgiveness. That example inspired me, taught me, and showed me just how amazing and powerful true love is.

Joanh - I hope you will find a way to trust. It is a risk to do so, but the rewards are worth it.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 1:22 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.