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Anyone else feel like WS "died" & you're living w/ an imposter?

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Camille87 posted 11/7/2013 14:50 PM

We're in R, IC and MC. D-day 1 year anniversary is coming up and I still feel like my H died. I feel that the man I married would never in a million years have cheated on me so this man I'm trying to reconcile with is just an imposter who looks and sounds like my H did. In my heart I held a funeral months ago.

Don't get me wrong, he's doing everything possible to make things better but his A has been the absolute worst experience of my life. I want my "real" husband back, the one I went to the altar with and I just feel like I'm stuck with this inferior version of him, this weird person I don't even know.

Anyone relate to this?

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/7/2013 14:52 PM

OMG Absolutely! (((((Camille))))), no words of wisdom unfortuately. Just know you're heard, and not alone.

crazyblindsided posted 11/7/2013 14:57 PM

Yes I do relate to this and I am 20 months out from Dday. I am starting to see a NEW WH emerge. One that wants to be a better person. I can see where I overlooked important red flags in the past that make sense now as to why he fell down the slippery slope. I guess in a sense it is like WH and I both have to get to know the NEW person because I am not the same anymore either.

FightingBack posted 11/7/2013 14:58 PM


I used to think that way. In fact it gave me some comfort to think that the H who died would always hold a special place in my heart. but after some time we have to realize that that ideal husband was one of our own making.

Because they were indeed capable of betraying us proves that that ideal we had was just not real. .Not only is "that guy" gone, he never was.

It doesn't mean that you can't grow to love this guy though.

I'm sorry. (((Camille))) for both of us.

2married2quit posted 11/7/2013 15:11 PM

I used to think this as well, but the more time passes, the more she puts her feet back on the ground. Just to hear her hurt in the depth of her soul for what she did, makes me see that my wife is still there somewhere.

I guess the image that we had of them died. This is reality. They are human, the are capable, they will betray us. Sad, but true, however tomorrow can be better than yesterday.

Crushed1 posted 11/7/2013 15:11 PM

(((Camille))) Yep, had similar thoughts. But what if the H that had the A was the imposter and now your real H is back again?

When my H was in his A he was someone I didn't know at all. I nearly drove myself insane asking "What is wrong with you, what are you doing, what's happening"??? He was so strange that not only our three children, but his mother and sister, plus some of his lifelong friends asked me often "What's wrong with him"? No one recognized the person he was during the A.

Now after the A he is acting like the person we all knew...I know it's just insane...

cindee posted 11/7/2013 15:42 PM

I could have written your post! I am 23 months post D-Day. New Years 2011-2012, my fWH spent with the OW. To me, my husband "died" that night. I even told him that I felt that way... That he was a stranger to me, just looked a lot like the man I had been married to for over 20 years. This person cared nothing for my feelings, he was just in-the-moment need to have a good time. All of a sudden he needed bigger & better.
It took some time, but we are R. And my "new" H is more like he used to be when we first fell in love but more mature, more considerate and much wiser. He helps me along instead of just taking all the time. On my side, I've learned that I need to express myself and be firm in my needs also.

Skan posted 11/7/2013 15:42 PM

Oh gods, do I hear you! I used to walk into the room, look at my FWH quizzicly, and ask, "who ARE you?" He didn't even LOOK like my dearly beloved H. I would trigger, he'd try to hold me, and I would scream for him to leave me alone, don't touch me I don't know WHO you are, and then collapse on the floor sobbing for my H. Begging and pleading for my H to come back.

Now, I don't see a stranger when I look at him. He doesn't precisely look like my H, but he does look like my FWH. There are lines of pain and sorrow carved into him. But I sure don't look the same either. I carry my own scars.

Arnold01 posted 11/7/2013 15:48 PM

This SO resonates!

I'm not sure I feel like I live with an imposter, but I'm fearful that I'm going to discover that my H is gone and there is a monster in his place. H is doing and saying all the right things for the most part, and his actions match his words, but it sure is hard to let go of the fear and the distrust.

And thanks to my vivid imagination, it is easy for me to conjure up scenarios about all of the crazy twisted things my H might be doing to continue the A. I have no evidence of any of this...but my mind still goes crazy imagining that he's actually some sick and cruel imposter!

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/7/2013 17:37 PM

For me... For us.. It took realizing that the H before was the one I didn't really know. It was like a death- absolutely- I grieved for the loss of the man I thought I had known. It was a very pivotal and sad sad time for me- especially once I realized why i was crying. I so miss the man I thought he was- but he wasn't real.
As we go through R we are both learning new things about eachother and I had to let go of the H From before. I don't want that guy- he was broken and I just didn't know it.
I miss who I thought he was- but who he really was was a guy that thought nothing of destroying me. I don't want that guy back. I'm getting to know the new guy- I'm thinking he will treat me better.

littlemrsV0813 posted 11/8/2013 00:21 AM

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Thessalian posted 11/8/2013 01:08 AM

SI is so weird, it's like, every time I have a thought to myself or a talk with WH, I see the topic posted on SI the next day.

Yes, I feel like this. I feel like someone switched husbands on me in the middle of the night. Like I went to sleep next to one guy, woke up one day next to someone else, and decided to just adjust and keep on going. But the truth is just something I don't want to admit: the guy I thought I married is not the guy I married. I am mourning the loss of that imaginary man and the way I felt with him.

I thought I was so lucky, I was the girl that got the unrealistically awesome relationship when everyone else I knew had settled for just "real". I was the girl who uncompromisingly didn't wanna get hitched, and I was so proud that I'd only ended up married because I'd found the guy that not only met, but exceeded, my highest standards. Maybe I was secretly smug? I don't know. What I do know is that I was outrageously happy with who I had.

Well, hey. I woke up next to a stranger. Maybe this one's better at life than that one was.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:10 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

Losttransport posted 11/8/2013 10:34 AM

Yeah, he died. And he killed me too in the process. We are new people, and he's doing it right, but I don't like the new me.

Sorry, just having a bad day after insomnia reared its familiar head last night.

OldCow18 posted 11/8/2013 10:41 AM

I agree with Lost. We both died. I don't like the new me and I don't like the new him.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/8/2013 15:03 PM

Thessalian- I could have written that last paragraph myself. Weren't we so lucky to have the perfect marriage?
Eye roll.

Camille87 posted 11/8/2013 16:51 PM

Thanks everyone for the comments.

2married2quit: I appreciate the comment that to see the regret/remorse means spouse is in there somewhere.

Thessalian: I thought the same thing! Thought I'd found the most unique amazing relationship. Actually felt sorry for others who hadn't.

Dreamland posted 11/8/2013 18:04 PM

Yes yes yes to so many post...
I'm 20 months out as well.. So I think I mourn the Husband who promised so many things.. I sometimes can't stand looking at him because he gave what was mine to someone else... Yes he's doing all the right things now and acts more like the person He was when we were just married.
But I catch myself staring at him. Wondering who is behind the mask. Is it pre A during A or post A husband. I can't trust myself since he killed me.. I don't like who I am because of his betrayal. He swears he would never hurt me but I can't trust him. So how does one live with a person they can't trust. I have incremental trust. But I am always looking over my shoulder. And squinting trying to get the full picture in focus.
I hate that pang in my stomach when I'm not sure of things.. I guess we never get rid of it..
Ok sending hugss

PinkJeepLady posted 11/8/2013 21:02 PM

Sure do, every single day since dday, 17 months ago. It's more like my wonderful H went to work one day and never came back, it feels like that.
Who is the imposter???? And more importantly, why am I living with him. It often seems so fake.
We also live in a new house in a new area and it doesn't seem like home either.
Where is he is a very good question. None of it makes any sense, because my real H would never do this, in a million years.

brkn_heartd posted 11/8/2013 22:36 PM

Every day....

kickintheface posted 11/9/2013 17:56 PM

Yes. I feel like this "husband" I have is the murderer of the man I married. I don't feel like the man I married was a fake or that I didn't really know him...he was lured away by his ex-fiancé and she led him to his end. Now, I live with the "new" man that I feel took my husband away...and some how I am supposed to love him and respect him?

I don't feel like I am dead but I am horribly broken and completely different than who I used to be...but I know I am still in there. I just won't come out and be me with this imposter.

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