Don't get me wrong, he's doing everything possible to make things better but his A has been the absolute worst experience of my life. I want my "real" husband back, the one I went to the altar with and I just feel like I'm stuck with this inferior version of him, this weird person I don't even know.
Anyone relate to this?
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
I used to think that way. In fact it gave me some comfort to think that the H who died would always hold a special place in my heart. but after some time we have to realize that that ideal husband was one of our own making.
Because they were indeed capable of betraying us proves that that ideal we had was just not real. .Not only is "that guy" gone, he never was.
It doesn't mean that you can't grow to love this guy though.
I'm sorry. (((Camille))) for both of us.
When my H was in his A he was someone I didn't know at all. I nearly drove myself insane asking "What is wrong with you, what are you doing, what's happening"??? He was so strange that not only our three children, but his mother and sister, plus some of his lifelong friends asked me often "What's wrong with him"? No one recognized the person he was during the A.
Now after the A he is acting like the person we all knew...I know it's just insane...
I guess the image that we had of them died. This is reality. They are human, the are capable, they will betray us. Sad, but true, however tomorrow can be better than yesterday.
Now, I don't see a stranger when I look at him. He doesn't precisely look like my H, but he does look like my FWH. There are lines of pain and sorrow carved into him. But I sure don't look the same either. I carry my own scars.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm not sure I feel like I live with an imposter, but I'm fearful that I'm going to discover that my H is gone and there is a monster in his place. H is doing and saying all the right things for the most part, and his actions match his words, but it sure is hard to let go of the fear and the distrust.
And thanks to my vivid imagination, it is easy for me to conjure up scenarios about all of the crazy twisted things my H might be doing to continue the A. I have no evidence of any of this...but my mind still goes crazy imagining that he's actually some sick and cruel imposter!
[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Yes, I feel like this. I feel like someone switched husbands on me in the middle of the night. Like I went to sleep next to one guy, woke up one day next to someone else, and decided to just adjust and keep on going. But the truth is just something I don't want to admit: the guy I thought I married is not the guy I married. I am mourning the loss of that imaginary man and the way I felt with him.
I thought I was so lucky, I was the girl that got the unrealistically awesome relationship when everyone else I knew had settled for just "real". I was the girl who uncompromisingly didn't wanna get hitched, and I was so proud that I'd only ended up married because I'd found the guy that not only met, but exceeded, my highest standards. Maybe I was secretly smug? I don't know. What I do know is that I was outrageously happy with who I had.
Well, hey. I woke up next to a stranger. Maybe this one's better at life than that one was.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:10 AM, November 8th (Friday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013 Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Sorry, just having a bad day after insomnia reared its familiar head last night.
2married2quit: I appreciate the comment that to see the regret/remorse means spouse is in there somewhere.
Thessalian: I thought the same thing! Thought I'd found the most unique amazing relationship. Actually felt sorry for others who hadn't.
I don't feel like I am dead but I am horribly broken and completely different than who I used to be...but I know I am still in there. I just won't come out and be me with this imposter.
