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OakStreet posted 11/7/2013 15:09 PM

My husband had a EA and then a brief PA with an employee. I discovered this when she sent a bitter text to him the day after "the event".

When I saw her the following day, she said how sorry she was, that she couldn't help her feelings toward my H AND that she would be looking for another job.

Today, I called H's office and she answered. I asked how the job hunt was going and she said she hadn't found anything, that she was probably going to stay. She then texted me, "If you feel you want some assurances or some answers, feel free to call me. Believe it or not, I am hurting deeper than I can intention is not to hurt you any more than you have been, but perhaps some answers will help you move on with "husband".

So, do I call her? It seems counterproductive, but I WOULD like to hear her angle on things.
HELP! I still haven't located a counselor, though I'm getting closer.

painfulpast posted 11/7/2013 15:21 PM

I would meet her, and I would inform her that she needs to find another job. It is completely unfair to you to have your H go to work daily with the woman he cheated with. She needs to go, or he does.

Let her give her side, but you may not like what you hear. She said she couldn't help her feelings for your H, and now she is 'hurt'. That doesn't sound like a good mix.

If you meet her, please give her NO information about you and your H. Just take in what she says, and then tell her to get a new job!!

mom of 2 posted 11/7/2013 15:25 PM

I asked how the job hunt was going and she said she hadn't found anything, that she was probably going to stay.

Sorry but she's not going anywhere.

You are going to get a ton of conflicting replies here so you are going to have to decide what is the best decision for YOU. Having said that...

Hell yes I would call her! Take everything she says with a grain of salt but you never know. I spoke with one of my X's OW and some of what she told me were lies, but some verified it was my X that was lying. I am a need to know it all person so I would listen to anything she has to say, ask any questions you want, then decide for yourself if it holds weight.

Holly-Isis posted 11/7/2013 15:31 PM

No answer is going to be enough.

Your WH should be looking for another job if she won't leave.

ButterflyGirl posted 11/7/2013 16:34 PM

I don't think it's a good idea talking to the OW, but it's something I see most betrayed spouses doing (unfortunately, including me)..

I would suggest trying to verify his stories in other ways, bank statements, credit card statements, phone bills, searching his phone for apps or games that have chat features (my STBX took his A underground using the chat feature on WordFeud, a scrabble game similar to Words with Friends). There are many resources to do this without talking to known liars.

But if you do talk to her, I agree to just listen and do as little talking as possible. And if she does a whole lot of bashing of your WH, be careful that she isn't just trying to get you pissed off at him so she can have him for herself. I think of it like poker, when someone makes these faces and gestures like they hate their hand, but then raise all in. They really have a good hand, but they don't want you to know that. If she isn't planning on switching jobs, then I'm thinking she wants you to think she's mad at him, but really she wants you to be mad at him.

My advice would be to treat her like she's nothing. Don't talk to her, don't call her, don't email her, don't text her. Don't make her feel important. Make her feel like nothing, and hopefully that is what she will become. Talking with her too much forces your WH and her to continue talking too, and that's the last thing you want, and that's what happened to me. The more I talked to her, the more she talked to him so that they could get their stories straight.

And just to warn you, he might be trying to get her back as well as get you back. So many times they don't want to make a choice. They want to go back to the time when you had no idea, having loving wife at home and girlfriend on the side..

My advice is to stay away from her. And like others said, if she isn't switching jobs, then your husband needs to quit ASAP and look for another one himself..

Lots of hugs to you..

CryingGreenEyes posted 11/7/2013 16:47 PM

I can only speak from my own experience... OP's lie! They L-I-E!!! They are manipulative, lying, backstabbing life-sucking plagues! I wish I had never had the misfortune of speaking to the OW. She made the mind movies worse, stressed me out more and ultimately gave me NOTHING honest and of value. Waste of my time which left deep scars! Be prepared for what you may hear when you talk to her. Good luck!

Simple posted 11/7/2013 16:59 PM

I wouldn't and didn't talk to any of the multiple OW. I'm in the belief that AP are not worth our time. They are someone else's waywards. Their BS's can deal with them as we have to deal with ours. All I wish I should've done is told as many BHs that I know of whose wives my FWH had an EA or PA with.

If it was me in your situation, I would talk to WH and say he either finds a new job or she does. It doesn't look like she's leaving so he needs to find a new one. Consequences... tough!

Lovedyoumore posted 11/7/2013 17:13 PM

She is playing a role of compassionate, please forgive me, but I just could not help myself, injured party. Do not let her reel you in. She is fishing and wants you to give her info or validation. Do not do it. Never let her see you questioning your indignation at her role in the A or let her suck you into her game. It sounds as if she is some wounded spirit who will just move on out of there but she already gave you conflicting messages. Talk to your H. That is enough until he gives you a reason it is not enough.

Do not let her play the victim role here. Do not validate her.

I.will.survive posted 11/7/2013 17:29 PM

So, do I call her? It seems counterproductive, but I WOULD like to hear her angle on things.

Absolutely not. What will she say that will make you feel better? I actually heard those words from the OW in my case. It was very condescending and pissed me off. She was still in her hurt mode because she wanted my (now ex) husband and he no longer wanted her (or me, but who cares at this point.)

You talked to her already. Hearing her angle is NOT going to make you feel better, is it? The lies still happened. The betrayal still happened. Her reason will be no better than his reason for WHY this happened.

I just don't think you should give her the satisfaction of trying to make HERSELF feel better. She can write you a letter of apology if she feels inclined. But she does not need you in front of her giving her sympathy when she cries about being hurt (but not meaning to hurt you...yeah, whatever lady. Certainly she knew you existed and wouldn't approve.)

Anyway, I am sure you desperately want to talk to her and hear something that will make you feel better. What would that something be? Is it worth giving her the time and attention she craves to make this wrong "right?" She is still working with your husband. This isn't a good thing. Paying her more attention isn't a good thing either.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 5:30 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

OakStreet posted 11/7/2013 18:58 PM

Well, you all are probably right, but I couldn't help but talk to her.

I was really pissed that she is not leaving the workplace; so now I have to see if I will demand that my husband leave. This will be a great economic strain and also mean he will be out of town during the week. But I also feel bad for her - he lied to both of us.

Although I told her (and later him) that they were both liars, she told me he indicated that our marriage was nearly over. He denies saying that. He says he loves me and wants to work through counseling.
My heart is hardened toward him.

So, most of you were right. New hurt. But I'm not too sorry I talked to her.

JustWow posted 11/7/2013 19:35 PM

"nearly over" aint over.
She wasn't lied to.
She is no victim.

Gr8Lady posted 11/7/2013 20:29 PM

My take is this.
First of all the affair was wrong , no justification and tap dancing is going to change that fact.
Perhaps, for what ever reason she was "caught" up in the affair. Perhaps not. However there are always two sides to every story, and you may gain some significant information of clarity. WS version may vary significantly, or not.
I would make it clear the meeting is not for her, or to absolve her of guilt. Both parties are at fault.

I would be interested in hearing what OW has to say.

EasyDoesIt posted 11/7/2013 22:02 PM

UM DO NOT, DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT put in writing or let husband put in writing that she needs to find another job. He is so in for a screwing with a law suit for sexual harassment that it isn't even funny.

Honey, you need to go by yourself to a lawyer and find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially from potential fall-out from a law suit.

He shit where he eats and that was stupid. The economy sucks and jobs are hard to find. Plus, she just might still be getting fringe benefits from your husband. She's still there and he didn't tell you?

Wake up, babe. Please make an appointment with a lawyer and don't tell him a thing about it. Just do it.

Lovedyoumore posted 11/7/2013 22:04 PM

Who do you want to reconcile with? Him or her? If it is your H, you both do everything possible to be NC. If you are ready to kick him to the curb then meet her, trash him, and move on.

Yes, job moves sometimes cause economic issues. But, those moves can set you free from triggers and continued contact by the OW. Talk to your H about who moves on to another job, not the OW. This is not your mess to clean up with the OW. Your H should be transparent about all future activity, but he should be pushing, not you.

mandan66 posted 11/7/2013 22:45 PM

I'm with EasyDoesIt on this one. You can figure out which one of these 'winners' is telling the truth somewhere else down the line. Right now, I would be talking to an attorney about every detail of your ordeal, and once that is all set in motion, introduce the 'winners' to what grownup consequences are.

badnewsbears posted 11/7/2013 23:53 PM

i would definitely stop talking to her. Having known my WS OW prior to the A, it def. makes the mind movies horrible. She may feel horrible, but she still knew it was wrong to start with .... hang in there!

momentintime posted 11/8/2013 00:30 AM

How old is the OW? Younger woman looking for the older successful man or older woman looking for security?

No offense meant to younger or older women. Just meant for the woman on the prowl for a MM>

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:31 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

OakStreet posted 11/10/2013 18:49 PM

Well, I went away for the weekend and left my WH a long letter detailing how hurt & betrayed I was.
When I came home, he had written me a letter and, because he had "read about cheating" while I was gone, he gave me a timeline how this went from an EA to a PA. More fresh hurt. But he says he loves me and wants to make it work.

I do believe he wants to R, and we both need to work on our relationship. I am seeing a counselor who just does IC tomorrow to see if she can help me cope. This is all still very recent (D-day Oct. 14). I can't believe the physical pain this causes!

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