I see all of these sex posts where people are closer afterwards and have better sex. Did you go through this period before getting to the better? Has anyone been in this boat I'm in before? If so, how did you get out?
I equate it to touching something hot and getting burned. When I think I want to make love, I immediately think I better not because it'll hurt.
To answer your question, yes, went through the mind movies, the anger, (look at my user name after all), but after committing to the R, accepting what happened and that I have no power to change the past, it got better.It still hurts, but I am so looking forward to our future! Completely sucks, I know.
Best wishes to you Velvet!
We are gonna wait a long time to have sex. WH told me that he has always had inadaquacy and confidence issues in the bedroom(which I didn't know until now, maybe explains the lack luster sex previously). A couple of days after I found out about his long term A, I was angry, and said some horrible things that he said he will have a hard time getting over and that even when I am ready to have sex again, he may not be ready. We are probably gonna need a sex therapist to get through it because we are both hurt and vulnerable now.
But I am definitely worried about it when the day comes. I don't know how hard it is going to be to get past. I am just waiting until it feels right. I think forcing it to happen now, will just end in tears and set us up for a bad experience this soon.
After DD we resumed sex after a few months but it was not great. And recently I have lost all desire (I am just over a year out). Not sure what is going to happen next. It was such an important part of my life before. And now it feels as if my sexuality has died. The A killed my erotic imagination. I really don't know what to do.
When we had sex it would end with me crying and him getting frustrated and angry (before he was out of the fog). He said it wasn't worth if it of it just left me in a painful mess. He was right. So I did a few things.
The first was to just focus on the physical act. I was not going to have sex to feel close or intimate I pulled a 180 in the bedroom. It was just about me and me getting off. So it was often about me I was the focus. That meant quickies, and often just focus on me. I told H that I needed this to allow me to heal. This action was the smartest thing I could have done.
After months and we started real r things slowly changed and my H really enjoyed focusing on me and quickies turned into marathon sessions. Slowly the intimacy returned and that was a huge part of my healing. I became a much more sexual woman who was confident in and out of the bedroom.
So my suggestion is be patient. Make it all about you and focus on the physical. Just enjoy how it feels. Be kind to you the crazy monkey circus freak sex will come back as you both heal and your M gets stronger.
When I think I want to make love, I immediately think I better not because it'll hurt.
I guess what I would ask is..... Are you guys "making love"? Or are you just having sex.
To me it's been important since DDay to make love. It doesn't mean we'll never have sex for fun only again. It doesn't mean that we won't get around to the crazier part again one day.
But right now I need it to be sweet and full of meaning. For me it leads to trust which will eventually lead to everything else.